Help No Sex for 4 years!

[Russell1]

I've been married for 5 years to DH and we have 1DS. Basically we havent had sex since I got pregnant (DS now 4) and im really confused as to where the whole relationship is going. We're just like friends sharing the same house who happen to have a cuddle now and then and kiss each other goodbye when we leave for work in the morning. Im struggling to cope with the thought of never having sex again but the thought of having sex with my DH gives me the shivers.

We've totally forgotten how to communicate with each other and when DH tries to show some affection he makes a game of it and totally puts me off.

Does anyone have experience similar to this and is there any chance of us re-lighting the spark after this amount of time?

I love my dh very much but can you be "in love" with someone without the physical side?

We've slept in separate rooms for the last 5 years which doesnt help but i cant sleep through his snoring...Neither of us make any eeffort in the bedroom so we are both at fault here, but what is really happing to us...

Apart from the sexual side we get along great and we have a laugh but i feel so much guilt when all our friends are dropping hints about their sex lives and pregnancies etc. Sorry for the long rant, any advice appreciated!

You don't have to be thankful or grateful for being denied a vital part of a loving relationship, it will eventually destroy any love you have for him if you don;t try and get him to admit to a problem.
Morning erections are a purely physiological response and nothing to do with arousal, all it means is that there is no physical reason why he shouldn't be able to have sex.

He owes you an explanation at the very least.

If my DH was having an affair I am 99.9% certain I would know about it!! He can't hide a fib let alone a full blown lie - it's always written all over his face!! His personality hasn't changed and he hasn't changed his lifestyle in anyway, and there are certainly no dodgy purchases showing up on bank/credit card statements!! The only affair he is likely to get away with is one of those internet chatline affairs where he is meeting up online with another woman and then undertaking DIY sex to get his gratification. I have heard that some men can be happy with an online sex life. I would think this very sad if it turned out to be true, but I guess I would rather find out this was the case than him having an actual affair of the flesh!!

Thanks Malificence, I guess I need to get to the bottom of what's stopping him from having a normal healthy sex life with his normal healthy wife!.

Can I just add - just because someone doesnt have sex and is off physical intimacy with their wife(or husband), it DOES NOT mean they are definitely having an affair FGS! My DH has a number of complex issues affecting his lack of sex drive that range from a very uptight up-bringing to long term medication that is known to be a libido dampener. Then theres the commuting every day, the children being young and full on etc etc. There can be perfectly innocent reasons for not having much sex drive. And more to the point, it really just isn't that important to some of us.

That said, my DH has acknowledged he has no sex drive and did get some tests etc so maybe Im more chilled about it because its not under the carpet any more. We do talk and joke about our bits shriveliing and dropping off etc, we are pretty open and accepting of it these days. Like I said earlier, communication is the real biggy in a relationship, not sex, IMO.

I'd guess Malificence probably has it right.

Probably some form of ED coupled with performance anxiety. Staying away in case he can't perform; as SecretNameChanger says communication is key.

Err... little blue pills can work miracles. They can ensure performance, which switches off anxiety, which means you probably wouldn't need little blue pills again.

In passing coldtits "YOu either investigate your lack of sex drive and start coming up with some answers or I am leaving you to have sex with someone who wants me as more than someone to do the crossword with,

Wow. I wonder if that's your advice to every couple where one partner has a reduced sex frive.

Hi I am not with a man and I have not had sex in 6 years sad

'We've totally forgotten how to communicate with each other and when DH tries to show some affection he makes a game of it and totally puts me off.'

I'm interested in this aspect - can you explain what you mean by him making a game of it?
Perhaps you just have gone off him, sexually.

Ok...I guess i can only liken it to school boy fumbling, he'll kinda grab a grope or he'll give me a kiss and cuddle and then resort to making snorting/sniffing noises around my neck which just makes me want to run! Any kind of cuddling up which i instigate in bed is met with this response and it certainly does nothing for me...

He doesnt ever complain about not having sex but i do get the odd under the breath comment "its like living with my sister" we really do need to sit down, have some us time and discuss it frankly and forget about the embarrassment. Now i just need to get some nerve to bring it up! no pun intended...

Well it doesn't sound very sexy to me either.

Was he always that, erm, talented? Or did he used to be a bit more alluring?

You can't have sex if he turns you off. That's clear.

Getting to the root of why you don't find him terribly attractive at the moment might really help you.

I don't like the sound of his mutterings, though

I really don't know why but my DP has resorted to this kind of jokey behaviour around sex too and it's just not a turn on at all. We still have lots of sex but I have noticed myself getting slightly irritated with the jokey stuff, I wanted the passion back that was there at the beginning.

I did say to him the other week about it, I told him exactly what it was that was not working for me and told him exactly what I wanted back. He got it and has stopped with the silly stuff.

I think you do really need to talk about it. He obviously feels it too with his comments about living with his sister, it sounds like he wants change too.

It's hard to talk about sex when you don't have that habit. My XH and I never talked about sex and couldn't get into the habit even when things were on the rocks. I was determined that in any new relationship I would always talk about sex and would always raise anything I wanted to at the time, not let it fester. It's not embarrassing to talk about sex when you're used to it.

Maybe for the intitial discussions you just have to accept that you feel embarrassed but a feeling of embarrassment is better than being in the place you are now. I would just live with the embarrassment in the beginning, it will get easier.