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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being oversensitive?

27 replies

Cookie26 · 03/02/2011 10:21

Not really sure why I'm here because I know what advice will be given. Bit of background - been together nearly 8 years and married for nearly 5 with 2 children. 3 years ago after a bad few months I discovered he was having an emotional affair online with a woman who lived on the other side of the world. He did the usual blaming me for it all, I wasn't there for him, didn't have enough sex with him so it was all my fault. I'd like to add that I was suffering with depression and anxiety and my mother had nearly died. We worked on things, went to Relate, I went to the doctors to deal with my depression and so we carried on.

Flashforwards to tuesday when I saw that he had ticked like on a girls picture on facebook. Normally this wouldn't be an issue but the girl was in a bikini and he'd been telling me that morning that I could have sessions at his gym if I wanted. I've never asked for them despite him bringing it up on several occasions. I've put on a lot of weight as I recently had DD2. He's trying to tell me it was a fuck up on Facebook?! Magically it's now disappeared.

He gave me his password to his account. He's offered it before but I've never used it partly because I've been scared of what I might find. He never hides his phone but is on it constantly, to the point that everyone comments about how excessive it is.

I logged into his account and started checking his messages. There were messages from a friend of his that lives in the US that said, "me, you, and X need to get it on" and another where she replies "you getting any action recently? Has the leash loosened?" Bare in mind he's not seen this woman in at least 12 years. Another message says "you know what me and M are like, we like to go anywhere that has beer vodka and women". I've never stopped him from going out. I don't understand why he needs to discuss our sex life with other women? Am I being over sensitive here? There's more to this story but I'm aware it's going on too long as it is. I just feel humiliated and decieved again.

OP posts:

SimplyTes · 03/02/2011 10:41

HI Cookie

I didn't want to ignore your post but am off out for couple of hours (boxing!). No way are you being over sensitive - it wounds like you need to get a chance to sit down with him calmly and get the full story.

I have had a few probs in my marriage and often felt like I was being OTT over inappropiate messaging with female friends. I wasn't. He just tried to fob me off and actually made me feel I was going a little bit mad. I have a list of all the not "nice" things that he has done in our relationship so when he tries to say "But i never cme home late / not for years / you exaggerate" I have my list that makes it sound like I have worst marriage in world - I don't but we have been together 18 years and shit happens.

Good luck and I'll check in later.

SimplyTes · 03/02/2011 10:41

wounds = sounds

cme = come

OneMoreChap · 03/02/2011 10:44

I don't think you're being over-sensitive, no.

I think the fact that you have his passwords etc should reassure you a bit, and the fact that everyone thinks he's a prat for phoning all the time. [IRL I'm a forum/blogging/twitter/Facebook addict and I get "roll-eyes" from whole family including DW (though DS/DD think it's pretty cool to have an old fart interested in this stuff)]

Discussing your sex life with others? Like women don't do that! Having said that, knowing how mortifying men find it, I'm unsurprised you're humiliated.

I have "friends" online I have known for 10+ years, that I have never met. This looks like a place that forms strong online relationships, too. I'd tell some of those things I wouldn't tell most meatspace friends.

Man liking pictures of girls in bikinis? Not awfully surprising.

Offering you gym sessions... have you ever commented about your weight? Surprising numbers of previous partners have stood in front of mirrors and gone on about how they look (to put that in perspective, I find the whole slimming size 0 stuff repellent, and always have). He might have been being supportive.

As always, communication's the key. When have you last had a proper talk about issues? [Yes, I know he'll squirm, but get a time slot booked)

sandmonkey · 03/02/2011 10:47

Cookie you feel humiliated and deceived because you have been. I have been in this situation, also when I had a new baby, so can totally empathise.
We have/are working through it, but for me to stay I requested that my husband defriend the woman he was messaging, and also that in future he only write things in emails/messages to women, that he would be happy for me to read.
My husband also 'liked' someone elses photo, about 5 weeks after our baby was born. Nice stuff, not.
You need to both sit down and set parameters as to what is and isn't acceptable to you both when communicating with other people, and considering that he has previous form, ignorance is no excuse.
Hope you get through this OK.

sandmonkey · 03/02/2011 10:50

OneMoreChap, yeah, I discuss my sex life - with other women - not men.

marmynags · 03/02/2011 11:07

wow he ticked like on fb

divorce the scoundrel!

kepler10b · 03/02/2011 11:11

why don't you take him up on the gym offer? if you feel better about yourself physically it's bound to reinvigorate your relationship.

me and OH have both decided to do more exercise this year as the middle aged spread is creeping up on both of us. i feel we owe it to ourselves and each other.

it must be quite disheartening to see your partner let themselves go physically. obviously we are going to age and will never look like teenagers but we can look like fit forty year olds which seems far more appealing.

sandmonkey · 03/02/2011 11:33

marmynags - did you happen to read any of the rest of the thread?

OneMoreChap · 03/02/2011 11:36

sandmonkey yes, I'm sure you discuss your sex life with other women.

Does your DP/DH discuss your sex life with other men? How do you feel about that?

I think it tends to be humiliating whoever does it.

You said You need to both sit down and set parameters as to what is and isn't acceptable to you both when communicating with other people, and considering that he has previous form, ignorance is no excuse. - as I said, communication is important.

So he's happy with you discussing your sex life, I guess. I did wonder, en passant, what conditions did he lay down to stay with you, and which of your friends he chose.

The OP and her dh need to talk; and laying down conditions starts making the talking more difficult... but hey, we all have differing views.

KikiJane · 03/02/2011 11:40

It does sound like you're being oversensitive, IMO.

You're hyperaware that you're not having (enough) sex. He may or may not have discussed this with other people. You feel down about your appearance. He happens to click 'like' on a bikini picture. Everything that is happening is feeding your insecurity.

So he talks about your sex life with his friends? So do I (about mine, not yours, obv). With male and female friends.

If he's happy to give you his password and let you access his account, I would take that as him trying to help you see that there's nothing to worry about. After all, if my boyfriend asked me for my password I'd tell him to man the fuck up and stop being such a suspicious baby.

Original poster

Cookie26 · 03/02/2011 11:53

OneManChap - I have never discussed my sex life with another man. Why would I? I'm not having sex with them. Why would another man need to know what I like sexually? And yes I do discuss it with him. I've literally told him what I like and don't like and he takes no notice. You're probably right about the gym thing, he was more than likely being supportive it's just I've told him private gym sessions are not for me before. He doesn't listen, or doesn't want to. I don't understand the whole friends on the internet you've never met before lol. I think it's kind of sad really.

I'm not middle aged and have not let myself go, I've put on weight because I'VE HAD A BABY! :)
I think what's frustrating me is that he's been telling me it's the best few years we've had together yet to others he's slagging me off. I don't have any problems with friendships with members of the opposite sex but when it's secretive then yes I think there's cause for concern.

OP posts:

BlueFergie · 03/02/2011 12:07

DO people reallt discuss their sex lifes with other people? I don't not with other women and certainly not with men. When I was younger and not in a meaningful realationship I might have but not now.
My DH would hate it if I did and I respect him too much to invade his privacy like that with other people, and he me.
I would be FURIOUS if I knew he had discussed intimacies of our sexual relationship with his friends - male or female.

KikiJane · 03/02/2011 12:10

My bf knows that sometimes I discuss aspects of our sex life with friends (male and female) and he's perfectly happy about that. And vice versa.

OneMoreChap · 03/02/2011 12:33

Cookie26 delighted to hear that you - like me - don't discuss your sex life with others.

Well, other than I've literally told him what I like and don't like and he takes no notice

I'm sorry he doesn't listen to you but I think secretive is possibly a little hard
He gave me his password to his account. He's offered it before but I've never used it partly because I've been scared of what I might find. He never hides his phone but is on it constantly, to the point that everyone comments about how excessive it is.

I logged into his account and started checking his messages

It does sound like there are communication issues, but noting I don't understand the whole friends on the internet you've never met before lol. I think it's kind of sad really. I'll bow out gracefully.

Original poster

Cookie26 · 03/02/2011 12:34

Kikijane - I never asked for his password, he gave it too me. He also went into a blind panic when I showed him the messages and snatched the laptop off me to stop me looking further.
With the boundaries thing, I thought he'd learnt after the EA. He recognises that his behaviour isn't appropriate, (as I said these are not the only incidents) because I asked him if it were the other way around would he find it acceptable - the answer is always no. So why do it in the first place then? Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

OP posts:

Original poster

Cookie26 · 03/02/2011 12:43

Onemanchap - You're right about the communication thing. I find it hard sometimes to talk to him because he's very confrontational. Sorry if I offended with the comment about internet friends it's just what's wrong with talking to people in real life? hahahahahahahaaha And I have just realised the irony in that sentence. I'm now going to flush my head down the toilet :)

OP posts:

BlueFergie · 03/02/2011 14:17

Kikejane - Well thats fine then, but that is clearly not the case here. The OP is not happy with her DH having these discussions and has obviously not given her permission to him to do this.
OP - At the very least this is a massive breach of trust and I would be very upset about it.

KikiJane · 03/02/2011 16:50

I was unaware that I needed my partner's permission to speak about anything.

OneMoreChap · 03/02/2011 17:06

KikiJane you don't need your partner's permission to talk about anything.

Doesn't mean it wont be a bit humiliating.

I'd add that I used to go out with a nurse, and I hung round a lot with her and her friends. I was invited on a "girls night out", and found out an awful lot more about what women - or at least some women - chat about.

There was discussion about they were going to have, who was a crap shag. What mortified me was when one turned to me and said. "Look, don't worry, lots of blokes come too quick when we go on top; just do it another way first..."

Yes, my GF at the time had told them I was... quick when she went on top.

Yes, I was very embarrassed, even though apparently I passed muster in other respects.

BlueFergie · 03/02/2011 17:53

KikiJane I think it is only common decency in a relationship not to discuss private issues with other people if your partner is not comfortable with it. You state that your boyfriend is fine with it, but the OP is clearly not. He is obviously not extending the same courtesy to her as you are to your partner.
Are you saying she should just suck it up and accept that her DH can discuss her personal private affairs with whomever he chooses? Because I would not tolerate this in a relationship.

KikiJane · 04/02/2011 09:44

I honestly wouldn't care, but then again, my sex life is fine so I'd know it would all be complimentary. I still would never presume to tell a partner of mine what they could/could not discuss with someone outside my presence.

BlueFergie · 04/02/2011 11:11

Well I would if it concerns my private affairs. i would expect my partner to speak to me first and to have a mutual agreement on what is accpetable to both of us. This is compromise had how relationships are supposed to work and is clearly not happening in the OPs case. I don't feel that tha OP should be expected to tolerate her husband discussing her sex life with strangers especially when what he is saying is clearly critical.

OneMoreChap · 04/02/2011 12:27

BlueFergie I suspect rather more women than men chat about their actual sex life.

My rather limited experience suggests young men lie about who they have had and older men lie about how often they have sex.[See hanging about with nurses; I knew quite a lot of men in that circle, but they were generally too cool to hang about with women :-) so I heard both sides of the stories...]

I tend not to talk about my sex life per se; I will talk about sex in general, and I'd share general experience if it was helpful.

[Example: changing male sexual response as they age; differing male attitudes to pornography (yes, I quite like it; but written not filmed); impact of body image on men and women and so on]

Original poster

Cookie26 · 04/02/2011 12:32

KikiJane - The problem isn't that it's not great, it's quality vs quantity. He's a 10 minutes before bed kinda guy and I prefer something longer and varied. I'm mad because what he's saying isn't true and exaggerated. I'm being painted to be inadequate and having just had my second baby and feeling insecure about my body this only adds to negative feelings.

BlueFergie - I completely agree with what you said about compromise. I asked him if he would like me to discuss our sex life with another man and his repsonse was, "not a f£$king chance". This is it, he wouldn't accept this kind of behaviour from me so why should I?

OP posts:

KikiJane · 04/02/2011 13:03

Fair enough, I know that some couples have specific rules about what they may/may not talk about and with whom.
And it does sound like he's got double standards given his response.

Does he know you're dissatisfied with his 'prowess'?

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