Newly ex dp is being awful to children

[OhWesternWind]

I have posted recently about ex dp leaving me and our two children very suddenly last week.

The children have coped with it extraordinarily well, mainly I think as a reflection of how important the ex is to them. He has spent most of their lives ignoring them in favour of his iphone/computer, to the extent that they will literally ask him something two or three times and he won't even bother to reply. He has shown very little interest in them and was not loving and demonstrative towards them.

He has though always been very strict with them. I am strict with them too and make sure they have good manners etc but I feel I balance that out by being very loving and showing them how much they mean to me. Ex doesn't, with him it has often been a choice between being ignored or being told off.

Ex has always had a particularly difficult relationship with our oldest a girl who is now 8. I think she is wonderful She is very like me in looks and temprament which might be a lot of the problem with ex. However, he has completely failed to bond with her and often seems very irritated and/or wound up by her. On several occasions he has hit her so hard he has left a red handprint on her. He and I have had many arguments about this and I have told him several times to get help but he has never done this and now I don't think he will have any incentive to.

He pretends to be a good father in front of other people and always puts on an act when other people are there but in private it is very different.

Anyway, I am rambling on. As I said, he has very recently left home and of course the children have had to get used to this. It is only just over a week since he left. However, he took dd to cubs yesterday and picked her up, and when they were coming to the house he asked her to take some bags in. Anyway apparently she pulled a face or was a bit cheeky so when they came in there had been a big row and dd would not apologise to ex because she said she didn't feel sorry so it would be a lie. Dp then threatened to take some privileges off her as a punishment (which he has probably done as it was something she does on a Thursday morning). I told her to go to bed and then asked ex to cut her some slack as obviously she was having a lot to deal with because of what he had done. In answer he just said she was a foul child. I tried to talk to him some more but he would not listen. He said it was all up to her to apologise ie she would have to make the running.

It makes me so mad that he can't see how he has turned her life upside down, he is the adult and yet he expects her to come making up to him.

It is so so difficult for me not to say stuff against him to the children when he is acting like such a tit and hurting them unnecessarily. I know he will reap what he sows but it is so unfair on the children especially dd.

On another note before he left he was "mending" the washer and downstairs loo. He has left both of these unmended and leaking, and when I have asked him to sort them out he just walked out of the house. Anything I say to him that he doesn't like he just literally runs down the drive and gets into his car and is gone. It is almost comical. I can't believe what a chickenshit he is! I can't afford to get tradesmen in to sort these things out so am a bit stuck now.

He has still not talked about the break-up to me at all. I think basically he knows he has acted like a shit and so is very defensive but this is not helping me!

He turned up yesterday wearing a bracelet which I have never seen him do in all the time I have known him, yet he is still maintaining there is no OW. He is a total tool and I'm feeling more and more overwhelmed by feelings of anger towards him for the total lack of respect (towards me) and love (towards the children) that he is showing when we are all trying so hard to make the best of an awful situation.

How can I make things easier for the children especially dd? I am worried about half term as I don't have any time off work. Usually ex would look after them in the holidays as he is a teacher but I don't want him to this time as he is a real liability and I think it would be really damaging to dd.

Reading your oat I'm wondering why he's spending so much time with you all if you have now split?!!

Keep him away from house jobs etc, he doesn't need to be round so much.

You need to see a solicitor and start to get things formalised. Especially money.

You will also have to look into holiday clubs/activities and making use of the Mum network for lifts to and from activities and back up help. Do phone around to find a trademan who can fix things, it might not cost that much, or use google to teach yourself (I was so pleased when I fixed my own washing machine).

If he is a teacher I hope he doesn't have anything to do with my kids, if he really can't see how unacceptable his behaviour to a child is.

Good luck!

I didn't want to read and run.

I think there's a difference between slagging off your DH to the children and making it clear he has his faults. Venting = bad, helping them see his behaviour is his fault and not theirs = good. Otherwise it'll take them years of therapy to reach the same conclusion.

If it helps, and I don't know whether it does - if he wasn't involved when he was in the house sat on the sofa, I imagine he'll drift out of their lives now you are apart.

I agree, the bracelet's very suss

*Post

Hi - he has to take the children to the childminder in the morning as I leave the house at 6.45, don't know anyone else who could help out at this time. I don't speak to him apart from to say good morning.

The other stuff all happened in the one visit when he was taking dd to and from cubs, sorry if it sounds like it was over a few visits.

I have asked him though to help to take the children to their activities (taxi service) and I have also told him that he has to babysit for me a couple of nights a week after they are in bed so I can go out a bit, see friends, carry on with my hobbies. I think that's only fair seeing as he gets every night with no responsibilities to go out and do what he wants to. The children don't see him then as they are already in bed. Do you think this is unreasonable?

One of my friends is married to a great divorce solicitor so I've filled in the forms to get things moving with her. I'll ask my friend how this is progressing when I see him later today.

Is it worth "making" him have contact with the children? Neither he nor they have asked to have contact other than what I have asked him to do with regard to dropping them off at the cm (10 min car ride, not much chat) and taxi-ing them about a couple of times a week (ditto). My feelings are that I can't force him to have a relationship with them but another part of me says that surely it is worth a try.

Personally I would be working to re-arrange my life so he couldn't hold me to ransom over arrangements for the children. Re-arrange my hours at work, ask the child minder to start earlier, find a new child minder. Employ a teenager to babysit.

Sorry but in a few months when he has a new woman (or now if he has a secret one) he is going to withdraw immediately. He doesn't sound as if he really cares much for your DC or you, so why do you think he won't just dump you all?

Maybe you need some counselling, as this is all new to you. Just to work through your feelings. He really isn't going to act fairly or reasonably on your terms, and you can't make him do so.

I agree with mummytime, you can't make him do these things if he changes his mind so I would be getting my ducks in a row now to prepare for it.
It is awful that he behaves that way with dd but I don't think it's for you to try to control the relationship. Dd will make up her mind about him pretty quickly and if it's that bad, she will decide to stop seeing him. She's getting to the age where the court won't force her to see him if she doesn't want to. Let him reap what he sows on that. In your shoes I would probably mention it to him once if dd is upset so that he knows, what he does with that info is up to him.

I would call in all favours you can to get the stuff fixed that needs fixing if you can't afford to get people in. Friends and family are usually happy to help. Maybe try one of the those favour exchange things which a number of areas have (online search?) if you don't know anyone (who knows anyone) who can fix the stuff..?
Bottom line I think is start acting now as if you can't rely on him for anything - you can't and you don't want to be left in the lurch if (when) he lets you down...

You say he hit your child so hard he left a red mark? He shouldnt be allowed access to them unsupervised! And given that they dont seem to get on or want to be together - Im not sure why you are pursuing it. Is it solely because you need his support for childcare? I can understand how hard it must be to find care and keep your life going - but you musn't put your children in a negative or dangerous situation.

You really need to build a life without him -make lists of everyone who might help/ what childcare options there are - you will feel much better and more in control when you don't need him around. Forget getting him in to mend things - you really really need to detach.

easier said than done I know but also forget about any OW or bracelet - be glad he is gone and you are free.

Hi and thanks for your advice.

It is difficult for me to change my hours at work because I've already changed them to start early so that I can finish in time to pick the children up from school at the end of the day. If I start later then I am actually going to have to go part-time which will have an impact on my wages just when I can least afford to lose any money.

I think I am flogging a dead horse with ex in terms of his relationship with the children, but what I am wary of is giving him/them every chance as I know my judgment is probably clouded by my negative feeling for him at the moment - or maybe it isn't. At the moment though I don't have the confidence in my own judgment as I know I'm very shocked and angry at him. I don't want to pass these feelings on and in the process cut off the children from their father. On the other hand, his behaviour in the past has been an issue for literally years and he is not a good father. (He was not a good partner either and is not a good son or brother. He is totally crap at close relationships in all areas of his life). I have already told his mother about him hitting dd and that that is the reason why I won't be letting him have them by himself (not that he has asked).

It is only a week since he left so it is very early days yet and I'm not up to rearranging everything in terms of childcare although I know this will have to be done at some point soon. I am trying to keep things as normal as possible with the children so that they can go to their clubs and activities and meet up with their friends, as I think it's important to them to keep their routine going and minimise the impact that their dad going has had on them.

To be honest I don't think that him leaving has bothered them all that much at all. Dd is in a way I think quite relieved and the atmosphere in the house is much better.

I do want to remain on good terms with him though if at all possible purely for the sake of the children. I have no desire whatsoever to have him back, in fact looking back I am amazed I stuck it out with him for that long. A lot of that was "for the sake of the children" which with hindsight and seeing how well they are coping without him might not have been the best thing to do. Oh well, can't be changed now, all I can change is the future so I am just looking for the best way to go forward with us as a lovely family of three [tries desparately to be positive]

It's only been a week, so I understand why you haven't yet formalised arrangements. However, think about working towards not having to rely on him for anything, including care of the children.

He has got some gall berating your DD like that and I suspect it is his guilt operating. Most men in his position would want to comfort his daughter for the shock and bewilderment about her father leaving home so unexpectedly. I'm sure in her own way though, she is relieved and is hoping he will stay away.

Regarding contact with him, I would let the children guide you on this. Lots of children find they are forced to see a parent they'd really rather not. Concentrate on their needs and not his. At some point, ask them what contact they would like with their Dad and give them permission to be honest about that, telling them that what ever they feel is fine with you and you will do your best to facilitate that. As you are not married, does your DP have parental responsibility incidentally?

Of course there is an OW involved, but it sounds as though she has given you a lucky escape. She will soon find out that he is no prize, but by that time you will have moved on and away.

Sometimes a life change like this provides the catalyst for other changes. Could you move nearer to support networks, or are you happy staying in your job and in your area?

Is MIL being supportive? Can she help at all?

I echo the advice about not asking him to help with household matters. Either learn how to do these yourself or ask around your friends for a recommendation or someone who has these skills.

It is such early days, but already you are seeing the benefits of being apart from this horrible man. You will look back and wonder why and how you sustained this relationship for so long.

His behaviour towards the children is unacceptable fullstop in my books. I wouldn't let a man like that anywhere near

You can't make this man into a good father or a reasonable human being, so you need to stop expecting him to act like one. He will not be reliable in terms of looking after the DC so you can have a social life: he will get an active pleasure out of sabotaging any arrangements you make at the last minute.
Also, don't listen to any crap about how you can sort out your separation/finances etc amicably, without the use of solicitors. You can't do that with men like this. He will want to take advantage, you need everything formalised and court-ordered.
Remember he's a shit and you're well rid.

Thanks again for your replies.

I am a total novice at this sort of thing. Do I have to give him contact to the children? I would prefer to keep them away from him as much as possible as I think he isn't good for them particularly dd. But I am not sure what the position is here and if he has a right to have contact. Hopefully my solicitor will get back to me today and I can move things on a bit this way.

The last thing I want to do is to stress the children by making them see dp when they don't want to. I don't think they do want to and dd is very angry with him and even ds has said that he isn't a proper daddy any more.

MIL is reasonably supportive, I am seeing her on Saturday with the children. But she has ex staying with her at the moment which does make things difficult.

By the way ex has no parental responsibility for dd but he does for ds as they changed the rules in between them being born.

Can I ask their schools not to let ex collect them and not to send information about parents evenings etc to ex?

Maybe I need to stop being so naive. I am finding it difficult though to see how in the space of a week he has detached so much from the children. It's been truly amazing.

He was never attached to them in the first place though, was he?

The OW (sure as hell there is one)has done you all a massive favour. The guy sounds like a sociopath or something. Sounds like he has no connection to other humans at all. Let's hope the honeymoon stage blinds her to his true nature long enough for you to extricate him from your lives permanently. Blokes who are much more engaged and loving toward their children have dropped them without a backward glance when they spilt with theri partners so I'm sure your ex will as well. Sadly this can only be good for them.

A relationship with their father is not always going to be better than none. Just like staying together for the children is not always in their best interests.

You could see what contact he wants but make it very very clear to him that any more physical violence toward them will result in you calling the police. That is what you should do.

It is early days and it must be very hard for you but you need to start planning now for a life where you depend on him for nothing.

Could you go part time and let the child support he has to pay make up the difference to your income? He will stop helping out at some point or your children may exert their right not to have contact with him - either way the more you can do to be prepared the better.

I woudldn't let him near my kids if I were you. They won't thank you for it.

just spotted he is a teacher - wow!

But this works in your favour - if he were to get in trouble with the police or SS for assaulting his own child (which he has done - the criteria is leaving a mark isn't it?)then surely this would have rather drastic implications for his job?

I would hold that over him like a ten ton weight OP...

could you start later at work and have the childminder pick them up so you just move your hours rather than cut them??

I don't know whether or not you HAVE to give him contact - discuss that with your solicitor friend - but it sounds like if you stopped him, he wouldn't be that bothered. HOWEVER - formalise it through courts/solicitors if you want to stop him, because he may be the sort of mean bastard who will take you to court to see his DC just because he knows it will piss you off.

I honestly wouldn't let him have DD by herself for any length of time - I wouldn't trust him to keep his temper adequately. And to be frank, if he called her a foul child, I wouldn't want her to have anything to do with him ever again.

I think at some point (don't know what age) the children's wishes are taken into account regarding access; so you need to find that out as well.

Glad you have got rid of him - he sounds like a complete waste of skin.

You can't stop him having contact with the DC on grounds of violence and use him as a taxi service for them. It will make you look both stupid and spiteful in court.

dont have him baby sit for you.

he does not have to do this.

arrange with a babysitter /friend - you goign to ened otehr people you can rely on for babysitting/childcare.

as SGB said - you cant have it both ways - use him as a taxi service then say he cant be aorund the DC.

it is hard,
get some RL advice.

maybe live in au pair to do the morning school run?

I don't think she was suggesting stopping him from seeing them on grounds of violence. What she can do though, as long as she does rely on him to ferry them around, is to say that any violence will be reported to the police.

At least until she can make alternative arrangments he might be dissuaded from belting them again if he thinks his job might be at stake.

not having him babysit may be easier said than done - if she has to work and has no one else to help her.

Also check if you are entitled to Tax Credits as a lone parent. This made quite a difference to my income. Certainly nothing to lose by doing so,

also you can get childcare part of tax credits which will help towards any extra childcare costs. Its easier to get childminders to do the pick-up, and they may be happy to take DD to cubs. Some nannies are OFSTED, so you could even employ a pt one of those instead. I would try to make other arrangements otherwise he will wait until its important, and then refuse to come round.

I haven't stopped him from seeing them. At the moment he hasn't asked to see them apart from taking them to school in the morning and to a couple of their clubs. More importantly the children haven't asked to see him either, so at the moment it is a bit of a non-issue. I don't know if it will become an issue later on or not.

It may sound strange given the situation but I don't think that a lot can happen in a five or ten minute car journey when probably he won't even communicate with the child/ren. I do worry that if he has them by himself for a long period of time, if he was to ask for access at weekends/evenings etc, then it is much more likely for there to be a situation where he would lose his temper. I really wouldn't do anything that I felt would put the children at risk, which is what I was trying to explain.

For the life of me I can't see why people think it is wrong to have him babysit. They are both his children, he doesn't have them living with him, so surely it's not unreasonable to expect him to give up one or two of his seven free nights a week to look after the children that he, as well as me, wanted to bring into the world? He is their father, why is it wrong to expect him to do some childcare? Again, this is when the children are in bed so there is not an issue of him seeing them and causing arguments/losing his temper with them.

I am though going to see if I can line up some standby babysitters locally. How much do you pay them? There may also be a couple of mums who I can set up a mutual arrangement with - has anyone done this and had all the children in one house as obviously I can't babysit at someone else's and leave mine in at my house?

There are now apparently issues with our cm who has complained about both children's behaviour. I am pretty shocked by this as I can say hand on heart I have never had complaints about them from nursery, school, previous lovely cm etc. She says she will not keep them on if this is how they behave. They have both been fine at school and home so I don't think they are acting up because of their dad leaving, there seems to be more to it than that and dd has said that the cm shouts a lot and is unkind. So I think it is time to try and find a new cm now. Wish me luck. It is just one thing after another at the moment and it is getting difficult to cope.

OWW - I don't think you can have it both ways in terms of not wanting him to be alone with them YET happy for him to "babysit" them. What if one of them wakes up? or, God forbid, wets the bed? Those sort of scenarios could be provocative of temper from your H. If you are going to say that you don't trust him alone with them awake, then you cannot trust him alone with them asleep either, as there is no guarantee they will STAY asleep.

Taxi service is similar, tbh - it might usually only take 10 mins in the car, but what if something goes wrong, there's traffic, or one of them is sick in the car or has a tantrum or anything like that? It's not the normal situation that you need to worry about, it's the abnormal, the unexpected.

Also - your DC might seem unaffected by their Dad leaving but this might not be true. They might not be telling you everything; and perhaps their CM is seeing behaviour that they wouldn't want you to see (but then again, perhaps the CM is just not appropriate for them - it's difficult to say without seeing for yourself how they behave with her). Either way, finding a new CM seems like the way to go there.