I don't exactly know what to say because I am the one who started this argument with dh....
Basically, we are emotionally distant with each other - we talk about the kids really and that's it. No hugging, kissing etc.... though we can be lighthearted and friendly at times. Last time we slept with each other was the 29th of December - we had about a week of getting on well at Christmas because we made up after a long period of not talking to each other (or rather, him not talking to me) after another argument two months prior to that (h comes from a family of serial sulkers).
You know when you have been in your own "relationship" for so long that you can no longer see the wood for the trees or whether what you would like is a "fair" thing to want. I would like a relationship where it is normal to hug each other on a daily basis and also to talk intimately about things which bother me, I find difficult, that are making me sad (not necessarily about partner, just about life in general) - where I could also listen to the other person. Where I felt really liked and understood, where there was laughter, and where we could occasionally go out of an evening. Dh is very loyal to the "family" and works very hard (in fact something of a workaholic, on laptop every night from about 8pm to 2am developing websites and at the weekend a lot as well - during the day he does things like fitting out shops, house renovations, and also runs an internet based furniture company which gets a few orders each week - he has a couple of guys who help him with this but basically he is self-employed and works very hard).
However it is clear that all his emotional attachment and love goes to the children (3 of them, 9, 6 and 4 years old). I feel sad about this but carry on okay normally. I feel mostly sad when I see how nice he is to the kids because the rest of the time not sure how much I like him anyway. He has a giving lighthearted side, but also an intolerant, bad tempered, sarcastic one which I don't like. If it was just the two of us then I'm guessing we could kindly and also quite sadly I suppose say that it's time to move on (we've been together for 15 years, married for 9).
My periods have started coming closer together and somewhat erratically so am guessing I might be "peri-menopausal" - I have just turned 42 (note - found it necessary to say "just turned"). I have been feeling very sad about this but it's not something I would speak to dh about. (Anyway, have now got my head around it and am taking health related measures which I think will help, don't look after myself very well and want to give myself as much chance to be youthful and strong, as possible).
What I'm trying to say is that it's when I feel sad or down that the lack of closeness between dh and I bothers me hence my lashing out today.
The other night I lay in bed next to him (we don't often sleep in the same bed) and as usual his arms are glued firmly to his sides - he makes no effort to cuddle or be close. So I went and slept somewhere else as being in the same bed as someone who can never be bothered to give you a hug, is soul destroying.
Then today I was telling h that youngest dd would like to be blonde like her friend. Dh very dismissively said that the friend was "RUBBISH" and that dd was much better. For several reasons this really annoyed me. He has never really been into the idea of this friendship as I think he thinks I am the one who has "created" it. Doesn't matter to him that it is this little friend who has really helped dd settle in reception. I don't think he particularly likes the friend's mother because she hasn't paid him very much attention when she has been at our house and does not like the way she talks about herself a lot. However, I like her, she is kind and caring, and I enjoy listening to what she has to say. It is true that she is one of these people who like to be the "centre of attention" but not in a bad way - she is bright and interesting and funny anyway. (Talking about friend's mother at this point.) He would also like me to concentrate more on some of dd's other friends who are not english (h himself is Indian and had a hard time when he came to this country as a ten year old so the whole "blonde" thing probably sets off a lot of issues for him). So basically he kind of dismisses this little friend and what annoys me about this is that she is only a small child and by dismissing her he is also negating anything I might have said to him about how much dd likes her and how much to a certain extent, this friend has helped her settle at school.
Anway, if you are still reading at this point, I give you a medal. So when dh said the friend is "RUBBISH" I'm afraid I lost it a bit and said I found that offensive and reiterated how much of a support to dd friend has been. Also that I thought h often talks and thinks as if he is in the "gutter" 
- but I do think that he often says very rude and things about people or situations.
So dh tried to retreat behind laptop saying something sarcastic about how I was going to start crying but I kept on and all this other stuff about the relationship came out (from my side) - that I didn't just want to talk about the kids - that I found it all very superficial - that I had more stuff going on in my mind (though I actually don't know if this is true - have spent so many years worrying about our relationship that I actually think the only two things I could talk about at any great length are the kids or how crap my marriage is) - that it was okay but what would happen if either of us was ever very ill? Anyway it is probably at this point that he told me to f* of s** off and threw back in my face the state of the house. The mess in the house has for years and years been a huge issue - it is better now that all three kids are at school but it is still not what you would call a tidy house and dh REALLY REALLY resents this, to the point of obsession I think. He told me I do nothing - when I pointed out that I was folding socks together as we spoke, he copied the gesture of folding socks in a horrible way and said what was that??? When I pointed out that somebody has to do it he said it had taken me 15 years to get to that point. It is true that clothes used to be everywhere and it is better now. So I asked him if hyothetically the whole house were spic and span (he thinks all my responsiblity, I think not and told him this) would he start talking to me (ie properly) [because I have always had the impression, and he gave that impression today as well, that any problems he has with me are to do with untidiness in the house] and he said "no". So I asked him when was I going to get what "I" wanted and he didn't answer. Anyway, it ended as usual with me crying and saying we should get separated (he said do what you like) and telling him I can't spend the next 20 years with someone who thinks I'm a worthless piece of ..... . He then went out and we haven't spoken since. I said a couple of things to him tonight and he was very very short. Don't know if this is the beginning of another long silence. In a way don't care but in another way don't think I could emotionally take it.
I don't want to be "unloved" by my partner till the day I die. Someone considered not worth it because they have been messy / are at times, messy. There is a massive pile of sawdust in our conservatory which he created a few weeks ago when he was doing something with the big saw and apparently I should be clearing that up??? Should I?
Should also add that money is also an issue between us and I have not always behaved impeccably in this regard.
Any thoughts (not worded harshly please - couldn't cope)? Realise this might all sound childish - it seems unreal to me in a way.