help. unemployed dh is making our lives miserable

[Blob27]

hey everyone, I'm feeling really down at the moment and I don't know what to do, please offer advice people.

I have an 11 month old boy and I'm on a full-time maths course at uni which I've been on since ds was 6 months. I've found it challenging to juggle home and uni commitments but the worst thing has been my dh losing his job in october. he has had one temping job for one month since that time but nothing inbetween or since and this has added a strain on our relationship.

All we do is snap at eachother and it has reached the stage now where i dread coming home. we disagree about everything but mainly how to deal with ds. my dh has also become very angry and shouts often, i hate being around him and i'm in tears at least once a day. I can't talk to anyone about it as my family were never happy about me marrying him in the first place as they suspected that he would be unable to provide for me. it has been an uphill struggle since we got married 3 years ago and sadly my parents predictions have come true as he has not been able to hold down a job for more than a year.

I don't know how much more of this instability I can take. I'm training to be a teacher just so I can guarantee that I can find a job and be able to support ds but I just don't know how to deal with dh at all. i can't talk to him about how i feel as he always says i stress him out and sometimes i feel i don't love him anymore, he gets spiteful with me if i don't want to make love and i never feel like i have the energy for it nevermind that i feel i have lost any sexual desire i had before we had ds. i feel so alone and i don't know what to do to make things better between us. please help.

I haven't got any advice but you sound as if you have a hell of a lot on your plate at the moment and I didn't want your post to go unanswered. Why do your husband's jobs not last do you think?

Poor you Blob.Sounds dreadful. But I think that your DH must be really struggling too. Loosing his job has been a massive blow to him. Not helped by the fact that your family have been predicting this would happen!
Put yourself in his shoes. He is now being confirmed as the "loser" everyone had him down as! He sounds like he is suffering from depression.
I don't know any more than you have said,maybe he is usually a great Dad and DH. Is this behaviour coming from his job loss? If he is usually a good and supportive partner then I would cut him some slack.
Do you initiate sex,or is it always him? He may feel that he is being rejected even in the bedroom,when all he wants is to be close to you,and feel secure.
There is a lot of "you" in this post. Sorry,but there is. I have an 11 month old Ds-don't you both? I have found it challenging,I feel this and that. What about him?
This is your DH,he has lost his job and feels crap. And you kind of seem to be going,"I knew this would happen...!"
Put yourself in his shoes. Where is his support? His encouragement? The love? Sit down,get a bottle of wine open,have a talk. Give him hope that things will get better. maybe he should see his GP?
Re your Ds. He may not parent exactly the same way as you,but he doesn't have to. Decide certain rules that you both agree on.Give him some encouragement and praise!Think how you would feel if this situation was the other way around?
Hope things look up soon.

Do you think he would go to counselling - either with you or alone? His answer to that could be quite telling.

If you don't want to have sex with him you don't have to and he shouldn't be making you feel guilty. No wonder you don't fancy it. Also the shouting/anger is a bit worrying. Is it ever directed at anyone else or just you?

However, it isn't his job to "provide" for you either. You are in the marriage together and finances should be sorted out together. What are the reasons for him losing his jobs?

this situation isn't forever. your dh will get work at some point (it's tough out there at the moment). you need to work together as a team and make it through the tough times as well as the good ones.

stop listening to the voice in you head that is saying "he can't provide for us". he is trying (i presume) and you need to have faith in him....otherwise why did you marry him? also allow him in to provide in other ways (emotional and physical).

at least try to get yourself in the mood for sex. he's a young man with a sex drive. he wants his wife for goodness sake. okay you don't have to always be in the mood but at least sometimes. blokes tend to feel very rejected if the don't get sex...women too although that tends to happen less often. imagine if you went to him for a kiss and cuddle and some sex and he just turned away and said "i'm not in the mood" time after time.....not the greatest self esteem booster is it?

both ofyou go talk to your GP and health visitor about how unhappy you both are and get some counselling for each of you.

and maybe some together.

your DH can get a prescription from GP for local gym or can join a local gym to exercise and do something to make him feel better about himself. .

why did you marry him? what are his good points?

Thanks so much everyone for replying, it's nice to know that someone is there to listen and it makes me feel that i'm not alone :) xx

woopsidaisy thanks for your post and i've thought about what you said and you are right, i'm not thinking of things from his point of view and i realise that I have only thought of myself lately.

I mean don't get me wrong I love my husband to bits but the job situation has been an issue ever since we met, 7 years ago, he stays at a job for about a year tops then he gets itchy about it, never goes in on time and finally it comes to the stage where he has to resign or be fired. I think it's mainly because he is a very unique person and highly motivated and ambitious which is why he can't stand staying in the same job too long and wants to make the next jump. this usually means about 6 months of unemployment but then he finds a job that is higher paid and better in general than his previous job. he is now trying to set up his own business too which is very constructive and I'm extremely proud of him for it but he just seems to lack the drive to advertise or do anything more about it and gets angry with me whenever i ask how it's going.

as for sex he is usually the one that initiates it mainly because i'm always so shattered at the end of the day that all i want to do is sleep and ds isn't the best sleeper. dh also never wakes up with him in the night or takes the morning shift...i actualy can't remember the last time i had a lie in but thats a different story alltogether but I think it is also the reason I say "I" have a son etc...because I truely feel that I do everything. dh looks after him only when i ask him to take ds from attaching himself to my legs when I'm in the kitchen, and that feels like he only does it so i can cook for him.

dh is usually a fantastic father and a very loving husband and the anger is only ever directed at me and to be fair i'm not blameless as i can dish it out too but it crushes me inside when he says hurtful things like i bring death into the house and i'm so miserable that i suck the life out of him. i come back from university shattered and i cant help it if i feel a bit down and can't help worrying about everything.

And by the way about him providing for me , I'm muslim and my family are traditional in the sense that the man needs to provide for his family, but they always brought me up to work and earn for myself. I've worked the entire time we've been married and invested any savings i've ever had into our marriage, i also now receive a bursary from the university so dh didn't support me even when he was earning, i'm by no means a kept woman but all i mean by provide for me is actually just do his share.

I think we need some time apart so i've arranged for my dh friend to invite him over for the week and he is leaving tomorrow . I'm hoping that some time apart will put things into perspective. I just want to stop hating him and also how do you get your sex drive back?? i just feel im unattracted to my husband and really don't want him near me at times, i don't mean to make him feel rejected but i just can't make myself do it without crying!he then gets hurt that i don't genuinely feel like making love with him! it's just the last thing on my mind and i can't help but think that it's to do with how i feel subconsciously about him not earning. can that affect how you feel about sex??

Actually, OP, I think a man should provide for you when you have recently had a baby and have started a demanding university course in order to give you better employment prospects. It is certainly his role to provide for his son and I can completely understand your frustration that he seems to put his own job satisfaction above this.

I hope your week apart gives you a chance to regroup a little and refresh.

kepler that is a disgusting attitude. The OP doesn't have to have sex when she doesn't feel like it simply to please her husband. That is prehistoric.

"he stays at a job for about a year tops then he gets itchy about it, never goes in on time and finally it comes to the stage where he has to resign or be fired. I think it's mainly because he is a very unique person and highly motivated and ambitious which is why he can't stand staying in the same job too long and wants to make the next jump. this usually means about 6 months of unemployment but then he finds a job that is higher paid and better in general than his previous job. he is now trying to set up his own business too which is very constructive and I'm extremely proud of him for it but he just seems to lack the drive to advertise or do anything more about it and gets angry with me whenever i ask how it's going."

Sorry to say this, but no, he isnt unique, definately is NOT highly motivated, and certainly isnt ambitious.

No good employer is going to consider him with the CV he has accrued.

I am not sure what to advise really, but a kick up his backside is the best bet.. tell him he HAS to go and work, no matter what the job, and stick at it for a while to try and get him looking less of a liability on his CV.

hmm. I think it sounds as if you are being far too supportive of his working behaviour - it is not grown up adult behaviour to leave a job before you have the next one set up. It is arrogant surely to say 'oh Im too good for this I'm better off unemployed.'

If a student living at home said that their parents would tell them they needed to grow up - but your husband has a child to support! Of course he has to 'provide' for his family. I think it's a very bad sign that he can't stick out jobs - he needs to think seriously about being realistic - doing work that perhaps isn't perfect while he thinks about what would actually make him happy. He can retrain/ look for another job while IN employment. It looks bad to an employer to constantly leave jobs and have gaps your CV. Also - looking for work while being unemployed is difficult because depression/ inertia set in - as you have seen.

You say it makes him 'unique and highly motivated and ambitious'...no, sorry, it makes him the exact opposite. I know people like this - I think they are arrogant and actually afraid of hard work - and of sticking at something until they can move on. This is a bloody tough job market and being picky/ sitting at home instead of working does not look good. Think of all the graduates out there happy to do anything to be in work.

I'd be very concerned about setting up a business in this situation - it sounds like an excuse - you say you are proud of his initiative - but then you say he isn't doing anything about it and is angry when you talk about it. If I told my partner I was setting up a bsuiness, while I was unemployed - he would expect me to be completely serious and talk about every element. If he isn't happy talking about it - thats because he isnt doing anything !

Being an entrepreneur takes enormous confidence / energy and money - and 100 per cent dedication. If he can't stick at a job or have a grown up approach to job hunting and business - he isnt the right person to run his own business.

I think that if I was being sympathetic to your husband I would say he has obviuously not found the career/ job that he really wants to do and is hiding that under his unhappiness / lazy attitude - that's not an excuse but it might be a way to approach talking with him (maybe with counselling?) ..

If he is unhappy enough to keep leaving jobs perhaps he is not being realistic about what he wants from life. He obviously isnt happy setting up a business either - or he wouldnt be refusing to talk about it....

Agree with everything waterrat said.

lalalonglegs - I agree completely that he should be supporting her more during her university course and it is definitely his role to provide for his son. It wasn't clear in the first post as to why he kept losing jobs. OP has clarified that and he is being an arrogant arse!

"dh is usually a fantastic father and a very loving husband and the anger is only ever directed at me and to be fair i'm not blameless as i can dish it out too but it crushes me inside when he says hurtful things like i bring death into the house and i'm so miserable that i suck the life out of him. i come back from university shattered and i cant help it if i feel a bit down and can't help worrying about everything."

Nothing you have said has indicated he is a "fantastic" father. The opposite in fact. Doesn't do any night or morning shifts - not on really. Especially if he is out of work at the moment. It is telling that his anger is only directed at you. He can control his anger with his family/work etc but can't with you? He sounds to me that at the very least he is being verbally abusive towards you. I am not surprised you are shattered and worrying a lot. It is a worrying situation - one that he seems to not want to sort out.

I would definitely be ditching the "supportive" act and getting to the "what are you going to do about it" act!

Absolutely nothing you have said tells us he's a fantastic father!

You've said:

he leaves jobs without another to go to - either by being sacked or leaving just beforehand - by doing this he is not providing (ie caring) for his son

He never wakes with his son in the night, even though he is not working and you are studying

He only cares for him whilst you are cooking him a meal.

He is not ambitious or unique - he can't cope with keeping a job for long, thinks he's too good for the jobs he has and so leaves or is kicked out. You are quoting him, there, not saying what you truly think.