Worth saving ? if so How ?

[fantasticfanjo]

Long time lurker and admirer of the wise women of Mnet.

I really don't know how to try & save my relationship or if its even worth trying.

Background : Been with Dp for ten yrs and have 2 DS age 8 and 12 months

He's always been a good provider and a fantastic father,does all the ironing,gets up in the night for poorly Ds's etc
We work well as a team and have the same interests etc.

The only down side was our sex life - or lack of it.DP has never appeared to have much of a sex drive and this has left me feeling unattractive and worthless.

I never had reason or suspicion to think he'd ever cheat.
How naive !!
Came home one day and found his hot mail account still logged on and couldn't resist a sneaky look(Iknow).Anyway it transpires that he was having virtual relationships with several women one of which became more than sexy talk and they'd declared their undying love for each other...........

I was so devastated,hurt and angry that I left my home and son and stayed with a friend for a week. I was a complete mess.

DP was repentant ,said that he still loved me,had never stopped loving me,didn't want to live without me etc.His excuse for doing it was that "it wasn't real life"(none of the women lived within traveling distance) and he got "carried away".

He suggested that we go to relate in an attempt to salvage our relationship.We had a couple of sessions and one of the issues that emerged was that he felt inadequate and lacked confidence sexually ( I was more experienced)We then has some sex therapy resulting in some bloody great sex.

Fast forward Three years.
I'm still finding it hard to move on from the hurt of the virtual affair and still refer to it in anger.

Our sex life is worse than ever and after many rows he's gone to see a relate sex therapist (first app last night).
The problem now is that I really don't feel able to have sex with him anymore - and have got it into my head that he'll only "do it" to shut me up. Its got to the stage where I look in the mirror and think "well,I can't blame you for not wanting to shag me"

I'm so Bloody angry that I've spent the last 10 years feeling like shit because he's made me feel so unwanted.

He's asked for my help in trying to "fix us" but I can't seem to let him in,instead all I feel is anger.

I really don't want to be like this and need to know if I'll ever be able to move on or is this the end of the road ?

We have 2 adorable little boys who need a happy mummy and daddy.

Your views please....

Tell us more about what has been happening since the fantastic post-therapy sex and now, when sex is again an issue. What has been happening in that interval, apart from the birth of a child?

It doesn't sound as though you got to the root cause of his cyber relationships. Have you had any fears in recent times that this has started up again? Do you both lack a sex drive now, or is it still one-sided?

Why is he going to sex therapy alone and not with you?

If you can provide a bit more detail, others might respond more quickly.

Ok.

The post therapy sex lasted for a few months and then just Trailed off.Both of our faults and it doesn't help that I feel as if he's got to now be the one to initiatee sex.

In the interval we had 2 x rounds of IVF and the result is now 12 months old - this understandably put a further strain on things sexually
If we had of been younger(now 40 & 43) we'd have waited before having another DC.

I've not had any reason to believe that the cyber stuff has started again - but I suppose I still fear that it could happen again and will never fully trust him if he has to go away for work.

He is always saying that he loves me and that he'd never cheat again,he tells me that he thinks I'm gorgeous,sexy etc and that he does want to have sex with me,but that he has "issues". Because of the previous deceit I find this impossible to believe.

As for our sex life now........I refuse to make the first move because I want/need it to come from him,the result is that we haven't "done it" since last August.

Because this has gone on for so long now and I feel as if I've previously done everything possible to keep us together I've basically laid my cards on the table and said "get it sorted or its well and truly over".

The thing is I know that I've got to meet him half way ,but the resentment and anger is getting in the way.
Does that make sense ?

Yes, it makes sense, but getting locked into this dance means that you are denying yourself sex and so it is self-defeating.

It's impossible to advise when it's not clear what are his "issues" and hopefully, the sex therapy will help, but your "issues" seem to be about resentment and anger. Whether that's coming from a feeling of being conned all these years that he had a lower sex drive and the cyber sex seemed to contradict that, I don't know. Perhaps there are other issues you're resentful about?

It sounds as though alongside the sex therapy, you could be helped by another attempt at couples counselling?