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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How can I stop feeling like this?

13 replies

nutkins · 02/02/2011 13:07

I have an adorable husband and I am totally happy with my life with him. He is my one and only love.

However, we regularly go out with another couple who are family friends we have known for many years. In the last 2-3 years i have developed "feelings" for the man and I am sure he has feelings for me. I hate feeling like this as I love my husband dearly and would never do anything to hurt him. I haven't told anyone. They are good friends but I dread going out with them now, but can't say "no" as it looks odd! We have known each other for so long my DH would question and so would the other couple. I can't discuss it with the man as he has had an affair before and I am scared it will give him a green light. My husband would be devasted if he knew. My DH has commented that he thinks the other man fancies me but I just laughed it off and nothing more was said. I don't drink in their company just in case I give my feelings away.

After a night out with them I spend days thinking about him and how I can stop feeling this way. Is this just something I have got to live with?

OP posts:

realrabbit · 02/02/2011 14:15

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abedelia · 02/02/2011 14:30

Nutkins, you need to take off the rosy romantic specs and think about what you want from this man. Is it sex, validation you are still attractive?

If you can't put your finger on it, then the best thing to do is initiate some sort of conversation with your husband about crushes - ask him if he has/had one, and find a way of admitting you (perhaps when you had too much wine - try and minimise it) once or twice thought about the other bloke, and say that sometimes he makes you feel a bit uncomfortable by the way he looks at you, especially given his past.

Getting it out in the open will pour a vat of cold water on the situation. And remember - the other bloke has previous form. What happened to her when he scuttled home with his tail between his legs? If he's making eyes at you then clearly he's a slimy git who has put his wife through hell and would do it again.

Would you want to be with him, constantly looking over your shoulder to see who he's eyeing up next?

Original poster

nutkins · 02/02/2011 16:10

Thanks for your help. No I don't want to be with him and I do want to stop feeling like this. DH and I have a totally satisfying marriage iykwim! I guess what I really want is to stop seeing the couple but it is too difficult as our social networks are so entwined.

realrabbit: we live very hectic lives as it is and we hardly ever have a social life which is why my DH is so keen to keep this one going!

I'll have to think about having a chat with DH re: crushes as you suggest. Just scared it may open a can of worms. Thank you all

OP posts:

abedelia · 02/02/2011 19:55

No problem - he just sounds an absolute sleazy horror!

robberbutton · 02/02/2011 20:30

What abedella said, v v good advice. Good luck and well done for not taking it further before realising the danger you're in!

(ps- why would you want a guy who you know has had an affair before? Ugh.)

Buda · 02/02/2011 20:36

It sounds like a crush. Is that what you think it is?

I had a crush on a friends dh once. Used to get completely Tongue-tied in his presence etc. I think he knew too and got off on it a bit.

I always knew there was on way on this earth I would have done anything.

I felt uncomfortable around him for ages but just kept telling myself it ws just a crush and it did pass.

Original poster

nutkins · 02/02/2011 23:09

Thank you Buda. I do hope it passes.

I have known him a very long time, and it is always easy to judge someone on a few sentences written in a forum. There is always so much more to a story than you can write here. And I don't need to defend him.

I didn't really want this to be about him, it's about me stopping feeling so bloody awful even though I have done nothing wrong...

It has really helped just talking about it on here, I have carried this for so long with no one to talk to.

I met my DH when I was 17 and he is the only man I have been with. I never went through the dating lots of guys thing and so for me, this is difficult and uncomfortable. The good thing is that it has made me realise just how lucky I am to have a solid relationship that I want to protect. Thank you for spending your time to help me. x

OP posts:

bubblewrapped · 02/02/2011 23:21

It will pass. In a few months you will probably think he is a prat and wonder what on earth made you have a crush on him.

If he has had affairs before, and is coming on to his mates wife, as well as his wifes mate.. then he is a tosser anyway.

Original poster

nutkins · 02/02/2011 23:30

Thanks bubblewrapped... I hope you are right.

As I said before, this is about my feelings towards him... He hasn't come on to me, but I just get the feeling that he has feelings for me... oh boy! I'm rubbish at this stuff! Maybe he has been coming on to me!

DH is happily snoring away in bed so I'm going up to snuggle up and get on with my real life!

OP posts:

StuffingGoldBrass · 02/02/2011 23:49

This might help: build yourself a mental picture of this man in the most undignified, unappealing circumstances eg sat on the loo farting and picking his nose. ANd every time you start getting vaguely sticky-knickered at the thought of him in a more romantic situation, bring up that undignified mental picture and the romantic/lustful feelings will shrivel and die.

bubblewrapped · 02/02/2011 23:58

He probably is coming on to you. You are probably feeling flattered and its clouding your normal judgement. Its easily done and I think we have all been there. The main thing is NOT to succumb to anything.

If you did, you would wreck a marriage that you dont want to wreck, lose a friendship with your mate, and I guarantee this bloke would say YOU came on to him first.

It really is not worth all the heartache, and just keep telling yourself that. Go back to fantasising about someone who is unattainable, I find that works, because having thoughts about someone who could be attainable is a big big danger.

humanheart · 03/02/2011 04:21

tell you what - one thing I have noticed is that if I get a crush on someone it's usually bcs they've got a kind of addictive whiff about them (if that makes sense). they kind of ooze something at you which can be incredibly seductive. it's completely hollow btw, I guarantee you.

you say he's had an affair before - he will probably have one again. it doesn't have to be about sex necessarily with this type - though that comes in to it of course - but some people have a sort of emotional addiction. they enjoy - it's their fix - having crushes. never translates into anything real (maybe why his affair didn't go anywhere?) but they have a vested interest in keeping the crush going.

You could... say to DH that you are beginning to feel really creepy around this guy (not a lie!), can't explain it, don't want to put the dampers on DH's social life, but you are finding it more and more difficult to be around him and you just can't see him anymore. DH will probably ply you for info though, so be prepared. You could say that the affair he had is really getting to you (to your surprise! never thought you'd judge someone for something like that but it looks like you have! and you can't get past it, you've tried and tried!). you also said in one of your last posts that maybe he has been coming on to you? you could tell that to DH. say it's not obvious (DH has noticed it hasn't he?) but it is making you feel incredibly uncomfortable. stand firm. as for the other couple - who cares? you're going through the mill to save their feelings? pah. make up some excuse together, you and DH.

don't take this personally btw like it's something special/lovely/intimate. it looks like it but it so isn't.

Original poster

nutkins · 03/02/2011 11:13

You guys are great! You have really helped me put this into context. Stuffinggoldbrass: your comments really made me laugh!
We have got a meal planned in a few weeks so I am going to tell my DH that this guy does make me feel uncomfortable and can he please stay close! I can't break the relationship with the other couple, they are good friends who have always been there for us and they are godparents to our children and as I said, they are family friends we have known since being children ourselves. I do care about them both and couldn't bear the thought of not seeing them again.

I am going to focus on some of the unatainables as my DH does laugh at me still liking Harrison Ford! Oh and Ewan Mcgregor, that "Harry" guy in Silent Witness etc etc etc... Tee hee. xxx

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