he loves, cares and misses me, but doesnt want to be with me??????

[sanchpanch]

can anyone shed some light on this?

split up 3 months ago, i have been totally devastated, begged, cried, pleaded etc, but no joy at getting him to come home,

he has been with someone new for 1 month...

Anyway he dropeed girls home on sunday, we put them to bed, then had a chat about money

during the conversation he told me he misses me, thinks about me all the time, then when he was leaving he said i love you, i didnt react to any of this, the only thing i said was that i still wish he had given us time to work things out rather than just walking away,

Now i am just so confused, i havent asked him questions to get him to say this stuff, he has just said it, but if he feels like this then why isnt he here with us??

Ignore him, in my limited knowledge of him, he is not to be trusted.

He needs to work harder than that to get your respect back, or at least I sincerely hope he does.

My x did this, its called making sure the door is open if he has made a mistake. F him off.

I know this sounds heartless of me but if he really loved you and missed you he wouldn't be with someone else, he'd be back at home with you.
10 years ago my ex-b said exactly the same and it took me ages to realise that he was actually too gutless to admit that he didn't love me and found it easier to perpetuate a romantic myth. Now I know I was well shot of him, but it took me 2 years to work it out and unravel my head. And that was without having children into the bargain.

have to say it sounds like classic man behaviour and agree with fairyfly. I only found out years after I'd been with dh that the girlfriend he had alledgedly broken up with he had told for 6 months that he was 'having a break for a while'. He was actually dating me and the poor girl probably had hope all that time. He just said he didn't have the heart but of course thats bollocks. In my experience of men they will say whatever to leave their options open.

i know what your saying, but i would find it easier if he did say he didnt love me, cause at least i would know,and would find it easier to move on

I have said to him no more chat, i just want to drop girls off and go, then he drops them back and goes, because it kills me, then he sees me in a state, which i dont want him to

Say ok, if you love me leave your girlfriend and live on your own.

you are in a horrible position because you are so vulnerable and are still hurt. He's being very unfair to you you know, I know its hard but try to not analyse his words and take no notice.

yeah i will try not to, its so confusing, i wish i had challenged him and said so why are you not here then, guess he is seeing how it goes with her, and still wants to know i am here for him....

And if he did want to come back he would tell me

Sanchpanch, as much as this is confusing I am so happy for you that at least you have some good news of a sort. I would do literally anything for my ex-dp to say that to me, and at least your partner has given me some hope that it can happen!
While it doesn't necessarily mean he will come back or everything will get sorted out surely it is a step in that direction??? Can we not all hope anyway?? Even if it has just boosted your confidence if nothing else, surely that's a good thing?? I have my fingers crossed for you and your girls!!!

Did he actually say that he doesn't want to be with you still? Just that my ex-dp would never admit something like that, ime for any bloke to say what he did say to you must have taken some guts in case you told him to f off, so even though he didn't say he wants to come home doesn't mean he doesn't feel it???

Sanchpanch, my Dad did this to my MOm for some time after they had split up, he was still with his then girlfriend (not reason for breakup) and it completely screwed my Mom up, she held out false hope for ages before eventually coming to the conclusion that he was doing it out of guilt and was easing his conscience...she very nearly had a break down over it...
Please be strong, this man is trying to assuage his guilt and make himself feel better, if he wanted to be with you, he would be. Sorry to sound harsh, but you mustn't let him mess with your head like this.

Thanks benben,

he was crying at the time, and said he feels so bad at way he has hurt me, it was nice to hear that he has obviously not taken it lightly, but like the others say he would be here if he felt all this....

I know he would tell me if he wanted to come home, he promised me that if he ever changed his mind he would tell me,

I didnt actually ask him to come back on sunday, i havent asked him that since i found out he was with someone else,

He said he knows how i feel about him, and he says he has to come back because he wants to,

I am just going to leave it now, he knows how i feel, and he also knows he would have to do a lot of making up if he did change his mind

Sorry things are no better for you benben, i know how you must be feeling its awful,. i have been feeing slightly better recently, started a relate course, called new life new challenge which has been good,

I just wish it would make sense, i am begining to think that he just took easy way out, its much easier to walk away and start new relationship than to stay and sort things out with the one your in,

hi sanchpanch
been through this myself and found it didnt help with getting your own head straight at all.in the end i told him how i felt for the last time and then just told him if he didnt feel the same way to just stop saying things he knew would hurt me.
in the end i realised that he wanted me in reserve in case things went wrong in the relationship he was in and eventually he did even have the gall to come on to me whilst still with her,luckily i had enough self respect to turn him down.
eventually i realised he didnt know what he wanted and made the decision for him and moved on myself and thats when he decided he wanted us back...trouble was in the end i realised that i was happier without him.

hopefully you'll get there too

Sanchpanch, I think you need to concentrate on you and your feelings, and not on his.

FF is right as usual - he's saying this so that he keeps all the doors open. But would you be happy if he came back to you because the situation he's in at the moment didn't work out? Do you and your children really deserve to be Plan B? I suspect you - and they - deserve better than that.

thanks motherwolf, i always remember your reply on my other thread, and it really helped... i am getting stronger, and i suppose because i no longer gush to him, then maybe he said it to get a response, so he knows i am still here waitin, but i am glad i didnt give him any response,

lizzylou... I would agree with the guilt thing if i had been asking him questions for him to give these responses,and maybe he would tell me what he thinks i want to hear, but i didnt he just said it

If he does want to come back then he'll let you know properly - I've been in this position. But if it is going to work you have to be strong and not just let him walk right in. I obviously have no idea if he is thinking this, if you're a second best in case it doesn't work out, nerves, a bit of dose of reality of what he's done. But he has to earn the right to come back. Stop begging him. Try and get some of your life back and then you'll be in a position to decide what's right. Hope this doesn't sound harsh - I've been there. Do take care.

My ex did this to me as well. He let me cling on to false hope for 15 months even though his lies and deceit had come to light months before. He left me for a 16 year old, I kicked him out then he hummed and haa'ed about coming back, told me that he still loved me etc etc.
Then in June, after thier relationship had properly been in the open since easter, we had a good couple of weeks together. He (even though he was with her) would phone me, he would come round and we would have a laugh together, and do stupid things like chase each other round the garden and so on. He then told me on two occaisions how much he still loved me, he would never love her the way he still loves me and wait for ithe thought he'd made the biggest mistake of his life and then he slept with me.. behind her back.

Leaving me may well have been the biggest mistake of his life but it can't have been all that big or why is he still with her.

After his attitude towards me the week after sleeping with me, my love for him slowly started to die and I welcomed it. I saw him for who he truly was and still is.

I've met a lovely man now who I've been with for a couple of onths and although I do feel a pang of sorts when I see my ex I don't love him any more.

Please be strong, as he is trying to mess with your head, don't beg him to leave his g/f and come back to you because he should do it because he wants to and not because you beg him too. Sounds to me like he has a guilty conscience.

i just think he was testing me, as i havent said anything to him for about 6 weeks (i think) so i think he wanted a reaction, to see if i am still here waiting for him

anyone else?

OK - if he has left then he has left , unfortunately for you he is trying to use emotional blackmail to stop you from moving on as well. If he truely felt how he has indicated he would be with you not asking for you to put your life on hold whilst he lives his and tries to decide. I think you know this deep down and you shoudl build your lifer without him - this willoprobably drive him insane and may make you more attractive to him it also gives you control of everything take care

Yep - just as others have said - been there done that ended up with the decree absolute...

My ex strung me along like this for over a year. I feel so annoyed with myself now with hindsight that I didn't take a more assertive stance. I so wanted him to love me and change his mind and come home, that I didn't have a mind of my own I was like his puppet and although he was all sweetness and light looking back on it now it was one thing -

MANIPULATION

Don't let on what your feelings are. Let him realise what he's missing. Get a life of your own that doesn't include him. But don't fall into the trap I did (thinking it would get him to come back) do it for you and your own self esteem.

I look back now at the person I was then (He used to live with her during the week and me and the children at weekends - this went on for about 7 months) and can't believe it was me.

Have some self respect and fine, if he wants to say nice things let him, but detach yourself from the emotion if you can...

agree with others here about this being to keep you in reserve.
It was becaseu you hadn't been guilt-tripping him that he probably said all that - to make sure he could keep you on the hook.

Be strong