How do I reassure MIL and support DH? not sure if this is relationships or travel!

[mrspink27]

Dont know if I am posting in the right place - but I guess it's a relationship issue - this may be long but I will try and keep it brief!

After a series of hideous/shocking/sad events over the last 6 months or so and in an attempt to get off the treadmill which our family's life seems to have become DH and I ( after much thought ) have decided that we are going to take the DDs travelling for 6 months. They will be 7 and 9 ( going into Y3 and Y5 in Sept ) and will only effectively miss 1 term of school.

We are going to spend every penny we have and a bit more besides-- travel through India, China, Indonesia, Aus/NZ and a bit of Pacific staying with various friends and contacts across the world ( calling in a few favours along the way ) but using homestays, youth hostels, b and bs etc and maybe even "safe" couchsurfing to try and keep costs to a minimum. Also travelling a lot overland and avoiding the "tourist trail" while visiting places of interest to really try and experience different ways of life and that there is more to life than suburban Britain and the life we have.

Anyway - we broached the subject with DH's parents - who lived overseas in various farflung destinations while PIL was working - and their initial advice was get good insurance, find out where the British consulate was in each destination and to get a money belt! I sensed MIL was not happy. We havent spoken about it for 3 weeks with them until MIL rang tonight almost in tears.

Herein lies the issue. - She feels it's a huge mistake - the children will miss out on school, what about the worldwide bomb risks and the inherent risks associated with travelling to non "1st world"/developed locations. She feels we would be better not to go or atleast just go to Canada, the US and Oz as these are safer and carry less risk.

DH is very quiet - and obviously very upset... in fact I would go as far as to say verging on devastated, that MIL is not being supportive and doesnt approve of our plans. We have yet to find out PIL's true feelings on the subject.

How do we reassure MIL and how can I best support DH? This trip is really important to us as individuals, as a couple and as a family.

He doesnt want to call her back - which was my suggestion. I think he should call and tell her how sad he feels and to make a time when we can discuss our plans. He doesnt want to talk to her on the phone.

HELP! All advice and thoughts gratefully received.

Do you think she's being honest about her worries? Or is she more upset at the idea of not seeing any of you for that length of time? Or something else?

They're not very obscure locations so you could find someone that she knows that has been to at least one of them and can give her some first hand reassurance? Perhaps she is just worried about missing the grandchildren - could you broach the idea of meeting up with them for a couple of weeks at one of the destinations?

Am very of your plans...

Naturally, you must take a security consultant with you - ME! Only kidding.

I think its a great idea for all of you to go travelling and I am hugely envious. Of course there are risks attached but so is staying at home. One has to live for the moment! If one was always worried about what would and could happen, one would never do anything.

First of all, talk to hubby and ensure he is not changing his mind on the travelling plans. Then, think of what you can tell your in-laws. I have travelled extensively when I was a few years younger and never told my parents the full story, less for them to worry.

Explain to them your plans but then really don't listen to listen to any negativity. Understandibly it might be a shock to them and yes, understandibly they are worried but considering the stuff you read in the news, anything can happen at any time. Maybe you can copy them a few passages from the Home Office travel advice site, re-assuring them your chosen countries are perfectly fine to travel to.

Obviously you don't go on a war holiday!

PS: It would be a sin NOT to go to Nepal if you are going to China and India.

ENJOY YOUR TRAVELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Could it be the accommodation plans she is most concerned with? Love the idea, the kids will learn so much more than they would at school but I might be a little more hesitant when it comes to couch surfing etc...

Also I know in the UK youth hostels often don't seem to work out that much less than self catering...

I think as people get older, they do get more worried about stuff in general, so whereas she may have done similar when she was your age, the thought of it now seems fraught with danger.

I think lalalonglegs suggestion of finding someone who has been is a good idea.

Do you think she may be upset at the thought of not seeing you all for so long? If so, would it be feasible to arrange the them to fly out and meet up with you for a couple of weeks at some suitable point?

Only a bit jealous!

Good idea ajandjjmum

I can understand her worries, and if she is used to overseas travel, then her worries are not completely unsubstantiated.

You are actually trying to fit a lot into 6 months realistically. I would say Oz, USA and Canada would be plenty too for a six month trip.

Thanks everyone for some level headed comments. DH has been moping about since the call and has now sloped off to bed to stew a bit more.

We did suggest that the flew out to join us, but they already have several trips planned including a cruise for the time we are away. Unlike for us money is no object for them and they make the most of their retirement - which is fair enough. So that offer was on the table from the start.

Regarding safety - DH works in London and tbh is more at risk on the tube or within the city than I care to acknowledge. Equally we have holidayed in Egypt and Tunisia (not recently) but could have been caught up in troubles. To my mind the US isnt the safest destination either.

MIL has always said she would rather state how she feels - but this one feels like she has lit a firework/slightly damp squib under our sofa and then left the building! Our DDs are the youngest of 7 grandchildren - the eldest is 22, so she has been a granny for a long time and got the t shirt! We havent gone too much into the actual nitty gritty of accommodation as they are definitely at the luxury end of the travel market and would be shuddering at the prospect of "sharing a bathroom" or staying in a traveller's hostel. This may be a valid concern for them - but we cant afford the cost of top notch night stays! Also one hotel in one city/town can look like any other town and therefore not a genuine "taste" of the place we are in. We havent even mentioned the "village stay" we are planning on one of the South Pacific islands! I work with someone who has done a similar trip (although she has DS's) and she may be willing to talk to MIL - good suggestion.

I dont think DH is changing his mind, he is very practical and so mentally cant get past the logistics of the trip e.g. renting out the house, finding someone to look after pets, furniture in storage and the £££!

Thing is Bubblewrapped - we are not bothered ( I'd even go as far as to say definitely dont want to go to ) the US or Canada and are only planning on Oz to see friends in a couple of cities on our way to the South Pacific!

I don't think you should allow her views to change your plans. She has said what she wants to say, that's fine. DH has listened, the two of you don't agree with her, I would just continue on with your plans. You don't need her blessing to go. If you both agree that this is what you want to do, go ahead. I wouldn't meet with them to discuss it, you and DH are both adults and you can make your own decisions.

Brilliant sounding plans. Your DCs are just about the right age to benefit from it too, as they're old enough to understand/remember but won't be missing secondary school.

Yes there are dangers, so it's understandable your MIL has concerns. You have to make your own decisions though. As you say, there are risks anywhere, and people's perception of risk is often quite different from actual risk. Just assure her that safety will always be at the forefront of your minds, that if there's the least hint of a revolution brewing you will give that country a wide berth, promise always to boil the water, and don't even hint that you won't be staying in luxury hotels! (DCs will get a much more accurate picture of the rest of the world by NOT staying in luxury hotels anyway.)

Enjoy your fabulous trip and be safe.

TBH, I can´t see why your husband is devastated that his mum isn´t supporting him.

If you´ve decided to go then go.

am not sure why your dh is so cut up about your mil's reactions tbh.

Obviously you want her to be happy for you, but she is entitled to her views and some of her opinions are valid IMO - I wouldn't personally take young children to stay in youth hostel in 3rd world countries, and needing good insurance and knowing where the embacies are is common sense advice.

I don't think I would actually take my children out of school for six months tbh. Apart from the impact on their education, (bearing in mind we're talking six months here not a couple of weeks) I would be concerned about the impact on their friendships etc, and the fact that they wouldn't be able to return to the same school when they came back (you do know the school are not obliged to keep the place open don't you?).

I think that the education your children will get from this trip will be far better than what they might learn in a term of primary school. This will be brilliant for them! And I agree with you about the accommodation, too. They will learn so much from this and it will stay with them forever.

I'm sure you've talked to the school about this. I don't think you can allow yourself to get bogged down in little details and worry, or you'll never do it.

I do wonder why your husband is so bothered about what his parents think, though. He's an adult and free to make his own decisions.

I live in Asia and have travelled to all the countries you are planning on visiting, as have my teenagers. The worst we have had to contend with is tummy upsets , leeches and infected insect bites.

Asia and Australia are very impressive up close and have good infrastructures. Mobile phones and internet connections cover most areas. It is not the same as thirty years ago when (I guess) your PILs were travelling.

My suggestions would be to get good health and travel insurance, carry a good medical kit, avoid the water (including getting any in your face when showering in India) and you'll have a wonderful time.

There are dangers to staying ay home and sitting on your sofa, only seeing these places on tv... Cholesterol, obesity, boredom to name but a few, go for it, older people are like temples of doom, there will be children in all the above locations, they cope, do will ypurs!

Do your PIL run their holiday plans past you before they book them and would they take note of what you said anyway. Why are two grown people looking for approval from a parent?

Thanks for your responses.

DH is a bit brighter today having slept on it.

We are a close family and we have always shared any "big" plans along the way. I know that this is not the case in a lot of families. We are adults and we can, and do, make our own decisions. We arent seeking approval as such but are excited to share them with our family and hope that they can be excited for us and supportive along the way. It will be so much easier if they are happy to.

In terms of the DDs school - we have discussed it and I know they are not obliged to keep a place for us. However - we have sorted this. Cant say more, but they will be returning to the same school. We will keep in very close contact with family,friends and school by blog, skype, emails etc.

We are seeing PIL at the weekend so will let you all know what happens.