Husband doesn't want to do much with me or kids

[emlu67]

Huge row the other night about holidays. We moved about four years ago and now have a hefty mortage and as I am also a stay at home mum we both accepted that we would not be able to go away so often.

We have only had one holiday together plus one overnight stay in four years however he has been away on sporting weekends with his friends two or three times every year! If I bring the subject up he says it is not his fault I don't have friends to go away with (I do but would rather spend the money on a family break). He must spend a lot on these weekends and it doesn't seem fair that he doesn't want to take us away. His answer to us not going away was not because of the money but that 'it just hasn't happened'. He doesn't really seem interested in going anywhere in particular and certainly not anywhere good for children like Centre parcs or Eurodisney.

He works long hours and travels a lot with work. I don't have any help and I do feel like a lone parent a lot of the time and desparately need a break even for just a few days in a caravan.

At weekends I am still doing everything with the children, he won't bath, dress or entertain them and would sit in front of the TV with a beer all day if I let him. He is good around the house at weekends with cooking and tidying etc but I have said that he should help with them while I do the cooking. As he doesn't do anything much with them I feel he is not building much of a relationship.

I really don't know what to do as feel we are drifting apart and if he doesn't want to spend quality time with us what is the point?

Hi, I know this is a daft question, but have you actually talked to him about this (appart from the going away bit you mentioned)?

I imagine you must feel resentful?

OP I know exactly how you feel.,
My DH never wants to 'do' anything with our DC's and I struggle to keep them all entertained esp at weekends while he relaxes in front of TV...all day long.
Have taken them on hol in a caravan for a long weekend whilst DH went away for a sporty weekend with his mates. It was bloody hard work though...needed a rest when we got back home.

Hate to say this but some men are born selfish bastards, and it looks like you and me managed to hook up with 2 such characters.

You do get to the stage where it feels like you are a single parent, but without the good bits such as free weekends and not having to clean up after them.
I am deliberating atm what to do re my rapidly deteriorating marriage...stay, go,stay, go.

Not easy and I feel for you.

Have you made concrete suggestions to him about where to to and when? If he doesn't fancy the eurodisney stuff (I'm with him on that) can you come up with something that you would all enjoy?

If you make a solid suggestion and he comes up with excuses, then you can deal with them as and when. But if you're waiting for him to come up with something then it sounds like you might have a long wait.

Thanks for all your advice.

I have talked to him about doing more with the children but it seems to fall on deaf ears. I will come up with some concrete suggestions for holidays that he would enjoy and see what his reaction is. Before children he always organised our trips away and I thought it was quite romantic for him to do so but I guess after 13 years of marriage I may be expecting too much!

Lastresort - well done for taking the kids away by yourself, not much of a break for you I don't suppose but at least a change of scenery. I will probably be doing the same if this continues..

emlu67...no it wasn't much of a break, but he did not 'fancy it' as he put it.
I suppose by bending over backwards to keep kids and DH happy, I am basically telling him that his behaviour towards family hols, etc, is okay, IYSWIM.

I have noticed a lot of these threads in the time I've been on Mumsnet and the link between this problem and the later threads from the same posters.

The earlier threads complain about males being wholly under-invested in their romantic relationships and family life.

The later threads document the pain and shock of discovering that he is having an affair.

This doesn't surprise me in the least and bears out what I consistently advise. Affairs happen when someone is not giving to their relationship; when they have detached and under-invested.

If this is not the vision you had of a romantic relationship and family, don't enable it. It will get worse, not better. It also does children no favours seeing their mother become a martyr to domesticity and their father, a detached and uninvolved figure.

State clearly what you want and need from your relationship and don't make this all about chores, concentrate on investment. Investment in your romantic relationship and investment in his relationship with the children and family time. Don't sell yourselves short and express your needs clearly and calmly - no sulks and no dramas - but make it very clear that you can and will leave if your partners don't make efforts to change. Make sure you mean that sanction too.