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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What are the dating red flags from a guys perspective?

39 replies

Querelous · 01/02/2011 17:46

Just curious. What are the dating red flags from a guys perspective?

What niggles a normal man about his DP/W?

Have any guys on here been tempted by an affair / to leave? How did you resolve this? Are you still together?

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 02/02/2011 04:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

givemesomespace · 02/02/2011 07:25

Okey Dokey - bloke's perspective, in no particular order:

Obsessed with her weight/looks
Picks at her food
Wants to know where the relationship is going after 2 dates
Talks about marriage within a month
Lack of self respect/will do anything to please you
Unquestioningly regurgitates everything her mother says
Has not been single for more than a month (this is a BIG ONE)
Loves the "attention" of blokes
Doesn't like your friends
Weepy/Needy
Materialistic
Treats her mates badly
Controlling/untrusting

Could go on.I strongly suspect it's identical to the red flags ladies would highlight about blokes......

I should write this list out more often - makes me feel very glad I married my lovely wife :)

Snorbs · 02/02/2011 07:52

"Has not been single for more than a month (this is a BIG ONE)"

Oh yes! That is indeed a big warning sign. As is the obsession with weight and/or looks (often comes with inch-thick makeup) as you know she'll never be happy.

Querelous · 02/02/2011 09:04

tsGraceAgain thing is I have already done several rounds of counseling / marriage counseling / courses, and read several books on subject, but I do bore easily and I guess my life has been pretty crazy (in many ways I quite like it that way). It's really not that I am short of options.

But I wish I could meet someone kind, intelligent, loyal, bright, funny, solvent (and better with money than me), available, who I can trust, accepts me as I am and who I can have adventures with. Preferably who shares my deep passion for Africa / International news (see previous thread on what am looking for, too tall an order maybe?)

Bloody hell that putting holes in condoms thread is plain scary.

Think best time for rabbits is autumn ('cos they are all fat from summer), but I checked with BASC website and there are no restrictions on season for lamping (though there is a code of conduct).

(Mr McGregor)

OP posts:
StuffingGoldBrass · 02/02/2011 09:51

Every bloke she's ever met has been both madly in love with her and stalked her/mistreated her, but she seems to accept this as Just The Way Things Are. While this may be true (in that abuse victims unfortunately often do go from one abuser to another because their boundaries/expectations are messed up), it means she's got major issues and unless you fancy years of being an unpaid therapist, better cut and run. If she's exaggerating/lying in an attempt to convince you that she's so utterly desirable she'll drive you mental, then she's got issues and you will have them too if you don't run away.

EldritchCleavage · 02/02/2011 11:10

Treats you as her driver/gardener/maintenance man/porter/financial adviser, expecting you to take care of all the dreary stuff in her life like a PA.

Regards sex as a weapon, to be grudgingly bestowed or withheld according to her current agenda and how good a driver/gardener etc. you have been. She thinks male sex drive and any desire for her is inherently oppressive and evil and something her partner should be ashamed of.

It's your fault she is messed up, even though she's been messed up for years and you've only been going out with her for 6 weeks.

A good friend of mine had a torrid 6 months with a woman with all the above characteristics until he saw sense.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 02/02/2011 11:13

LadyFanny we've had a few threads about the term "a man's woman" but Madam is right that it's a particular red flag if that label is self-awarded and worn with pride. There is some confusion too about the term, because it seems it's often applied to un self-conscious women who can't relate to frivolity and "girlyism" and prefer the perceived directness and honesty of male company.

However, the term often applies to women who actually dislike other women and see them as competitors. Such a woman can often be found running other women down for their appearance, their feminism, their assertiveness, their right to a career and most of all, their inability to "keep a man happy".

Hence, in the company of men, this woman will simper that she is not one of those hairy feminists who will give him a hard time if he watches porn, wants sex on tap or any other "need" that she attributes to men as their "right".

However, once in a relationship with her, she is a mass of insecurities and exhausts herself trying to be the perfect "man's woman" and in fact gets hysterically jealous if he does anything that implies she is not catering to his every need. Cue major drama and sulks, because all of her self-esteem is built on her appeal to men and any sign that a man might just need other stimuli such as friends, a hobby or some time away from her, is perceived as a threat.

ItsGraceAgain · 02/02/2011 11:24

This thread's getting really interesting!

LadyFanny, I've never called myself a man's woman BUT almost all my boyfriends wanted to marry me. That's not because I'm any kind of female paragon. It's because I had a particular brand of feisty subservience, which appealed to a broad spectrum of abusive men. Much of WWIFN's 11:13 post applied to me.

Querulous - No, not too tall an order, as long as you pursue your interests so you'll meet other interested parties! You still need to watch out for your relationship expectations, though: they'll bite you if you don't put 'em right.

AllFallDown · 02/02/2011 13:20
  • Says: "If you don't know what the problem is, then there's no point discussing it."
  • Uses cutesy nicknames
  • Believes it is possible to "discover" oneself on a holiday in India
  • Talks about your sex life to her friends. A huge no-no. If you want to be completely open with someone, the fact that they might reveal the most intimate part of your relationship makes you question whether they are someone to be completely open with. Once was completely shocked to have someone at work - a friend of hers who I barely know ? say to me: "I hear the Prozac is stopping you getting it up." WTF?
ItsGraceAgain · 02/02/2011 13:25

Says: "If you don't know what the problem is, then there's no point discussing it."

Ooh, yes! And "If you loved me, you'd just know."

EldritchCleavage · 02/02/2011 13:32

On first meeting, tells you what colour your aura is and who you were in a past life.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 02/02/2011 13:34

I've thought of another.

Is obsessed with stones and their mythical mystical properties.....

madonnawhore · 02/02/2011 13:39

Doesn't have any female friends = MASSIVE RED FLAG

StuffingGoldBrass · 02/02/2011 14:06

Nags you about what you wear/your hair/skin/weight and offers to give you a makeover when you do not want any such thing.

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