Taken for granted?

[Laurasmum]

I am a SAHM and with my husband for 9 years. We have always been the couple our friends looked up to and asked relationship advice from because we have always been so damn happy and good for each other. We have always been equals and a wonderful partnership, he is my bestfriend and I love him desperately. But... Since our daughter was born and I gave up work I have suddenly become subordinate to him. I am more than happy to do the nights with dd and cook all the meals and clean and tidy the house every day, which I do religiously. My problem is that DH seems to now see me as some kind of servant and will happily come home from work expecting dinner on the table, a clean house, a happy clean baby dressed for bed, laundry done etc etc but will never and I mean NEVER put even a coffee cup into the dishwasher or a teaspoon and if I am out in the evening or wkend doing the food shopping or something he will watch telly or play his f**ing XBox with the baby's bottles not washed or sterilised and dishes everywhere and then complain to me that he's run out of clean jeans or something the second I get thru the door. Then he'll sit on the sofa while I put away the shopping, do the dishes, hang out the laundry and do the bottles without even a hint he's thinking about giving me a hand. And on the very rare occasion he gets up at night with dd (only on wkend nites)he will complain relentlessly the next day about tiredness and often go to bed in the daytime on a saturday and sunday leaving me alone again with the baby which I do all week and need a day off sometimes myself...
I cannot say anything too damning because he works very hard in a stressful job and also does private work in the evenings sometimes, and he is only working so hard for me and our child which makes me feel very ungrateful everytime I curse him for not supporting me or appriciating what I do which is also a full time job, I feel, with the same stress and problems as going out to work. I feel very unrespected and taken for granted and very disappointed that my wonderful husband is being this way towards me.
Sorry such a long post, didn't realise how much this bothered me til I started typing!

Why cant you just talk to him about this?
Are you afraid that it will turn into an argument?

You need to talk to him before the resentment eats away at you and makes you even more unhappy.

Print your original post off and let him read it, if you can't speak to him. It doesn't have to be damning of him to say "I can't do this on my own".

There's no excuse for his behaviour. Sorry but there isn't. A LOT of us work hard at stressful jobs - who said being a stay at home parent is a cake walk? - and do our FAIR SHARE (notice I didn't say 'help out', b/c that implies doing someone a favour) around the house.

Feel ungrateful? For being treated like a servant? I don't THINK SO!

My husband and I have 3 jobs outside the home between us and we still manage to share the housework equally. It's OUR home, OUR children, OUR money, OUR mess, etc.

Does your husband know you're unhappy w/how you're being treated? B/c that's the first step to changing things.

Sitting around feeling resentful won't help.

He needs to be told - calmly and rationally - how you feel.

I suggest getting a sitter to look after your child and having a meal away or going to a cafe and having a little chat.

For starters.

If you've already made it very clear to him that his behaviour makes you feel like a skivvy and he's not bothered enough to change, then I suggest going to Relate or a counsellor on your own. Or with him if he'll go.

I gather from what you say that before you had DD you both worked and both did the household chores etc etc etc?

designate times when you are off duty. You have a full time job with a house and a child, he has a full time job with his job, why the hell should your job be 24/7 when he could help you?

His clothes are his responsibility. If you choose to look after them for his, that is your choice. It is not his choice.

Point out that you are a mother, you are not his mother. Neither are you a servant. He should not be sitting on his arse while you are running around, unless you have spent significant time that day sitting down while he runs around.

Tell him he has to help you. don't give him a choice. Make him live by the same rules that you impose upon yourself. he does not have the right to be waited on just because he has a penis, and he may need reminding of this. It is his child too.

And if he complains of never getting a day off? Neither do you, so why should he?

You are entitled to the same amount of sleep, free time, rest, sitting down time, and quality time wth your child.

he can only treat you as inferior if you let him so please don't let him.

My house rule, kama, is to never wash any of dh's clothes that are on the floor. It's the laundry basket or the cat sleeps on them. He is brilliant at washing up though...

I agree with the others, Laurasmum. He needs a reality check.

Have to say, occasionally my DP slips into that mode. Im on maternity leave before going back to work p/time so not a permanent SAHM.

I just tell him to get off his bum and help. It works for me!

(We occasionally get into a bout of "ChoreWars" whereby we say "i did the washing""well i did X""yeah but i did Y" etc etc and we both need a kick )

Laurasmum, how did the division of labour work before you had your daughter?
Who did what?

Being a mum is a fulltime job and imo much harder than going out to work(I am a fulltime mum to three and work nights as a nurse).I think your dh really needs to know how you feel.

Ooh yes - i dont wash anything not in the laundry basket EVEN if he has dropped it on the floor NEXT to the laundry basket he he he. I WILL win.

B4 DD was born I did do more of the chores (I am the girl afterall!!!) but he did do his share and we usually alternated nights ie if he cooked I do dishes and vice versa but I've always done most of the laundry but he's always done the garden, bins etc.
What I want to say to him is that he doesn't know he's born, he works 10mins drive from where he works and doesn't start til 9:30 (he's usually still in bed at 9am) and although it's a stressful job he's usually home by 6pm and has playtime with DD while I cook dinner, then he either relaxes or gets on with private work and always gets 9hours sleep every night. I want to tell him that some dads have to get up many times a night with kids and have an early morning and a long commute to work and do long hours of overtime and probably do less complaining. But every time I try to broach the subject I feel I'm throwing everything he does back in his face. I think I'd feel less like moaning at him if he appriciated my efforts and gave me credit for what I do but it is just taken for granted now that I will do what I do.

I meant he LIVES 10mins drive from where he works. Brains melted...

Laurasmum, I think you have two options. I would definitely try talking to him. Telling him what is bugging you is definitely a good starting point, as he may be blissfully unaware. Forgive me for saying this, but don't just whinge, think of a few constructive things that would you would like him to do, not too many - just a few very specific tasks.
Hopefully, that will work but if it doesn't - then stop being a domestic slave. He will not die or leave you, if you do not clear and tidy after him or if his supper is not cooked. Do not allow yourself to be treated as a skivvy. How about when he plays with dd when he gets in from work, you go and have a long bath, go for a walk, do some of your "admin" on the computer. Make a bit of time for yourself and then suggest you cook dinner together?

Yes! Exactly why do they do that, QV? Why is it less effort to put the clothes on the floor next to the laundry basket than in it? sigh

Ooh I've got another annoyance. We'll be 5 minutes from leaving the house. I'll be desperately trying to dress myself, the two kids and get the change bag ready and get dd's bottle ready. Where is dh? He has popped into the loft to find something. WTF? Does anyone else's dh do that?

Our DPs are either one and the same logic or VERY closely related!

I always end up feeling sorry for my DP because he doesn't sleep very well but on the other hand neither do I as DS wakes up EVERY SINGLE night and I have to go into him and see to him (even on weekends) - his excuse??? "he wants his Mummy". Yes because his bloody mummy is always the one that gets out of bed and goes to see him if he cries!!!! Grrrrrrr

how weird, i am just about to post an email my mum forwarded onto me in the relationships section that'll make you smile, headed "a husband's nightmare"! I haven't read this full thread, i wonder if anyone told you to "go on strike"?
PS I've always been a single mum so can't relate to what you're going through, but it is hard conveying to other people what as a mum I DO all day and what hard work it is...

you work all day .. he works all day

when you are both in the house together then the work should be shared

he needs to be reminded of that fact

I think its probably just stupidity that he hasn't realised for himself

I'd talk to him

He doesn't see what I do as work. I think he thinks I PLAY all day (alot of it is play) but it's not always fun as DD can be very demanding and its hard to keep it up all day when I'm wrecked, I'm sure you can all relate!