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[Sparkle5]

The other day my dh forgot his mobile phone which is always locked and glued to him. I picked up the phone and noticed it wasn't locked!!! Yes I know I shouldnt have but I did as the temptation was too much.

To my surprise I find he has a secret Facebook account with all his work colleagues and friends new and old which has lots of banter on it. We both have Facebook accounts that we both know about and surprisingly on that one he has 56 friends of which we have 48 in common. This one is made up family and mainly my friends. On his secret one he has over 200 friends. To add insult to injury I also find that he has blocked me on this account so I would never have found it anyway.

I confronted him about it and his answer is that he likes to keep his private home life separate from his friends and colleagues. I must add I found nothing untoward on the site but the main thing that hurts is the deceit. We've been very happily married for 20 years with one dd aged 9 and up until now have always been open and honest.

Last night I was so wound up I demanded to see the Facebook account. He would not let me hold his phone but let me click on it over his shoulder. He denied blocking me so I made him go into the security and lo and below out of the millions of people in the world there I was the one and only blocked person.
He has gone all defensive and called me paranoid and said that, he will never show me the site again!!!!

To sum up I just feel so crap that the husband who I thought I knew so well is being so secretive and deceitful. He stormed off to bed last night and slept in spare room and told me that I'm unreasonable as loads of people have 2 Facebook accounts. However, if I had another one I would just say and my phone is always unlocked so if he wanted he could go through any time. I'm so peed off I've now changed all my passwords and locked everything to see how he feels.

Any views, help or support on this would be appreciated. Thanks.

Hi Sparkle, I'm sorry, I don't think it looks good either :(

Your H has been caught doing something that looks incredibly suspicious, but he's made things 100 times worse by his reaction - getting angry with you, trying to say you were imagining things and paranoid, and that his behaviour which has rightly upset you greatly was perfectly normal and you were being unreasonable!? Plus don't even get me started on the phone secrecy thing...

Sounds like you need to prepare yourself for a rough time ahead :( But whether you work it out or split, you will come through it. Good luck.

I'm really sorry. I too know no one with two Facebook accounts. I would be very suspicious of his secrecy and motives.

to block someone you have to actively do it so he must have very deliberately done that.

very dodgy

you have cause for concern here

there is something your husband is doing that he wants you to have no part of

very suspicious that he is now making it all your fault...typical behaviour from a person with something to hide

I am really sorry, but you have to refuse to take the blame and get him to talk to you

On his secret account, had he disclosed his relationship status? Just a minor thing but I'd be interested to know if he had it set to "married" or not.

To be fair, there are times where I would love another FB account, where my husband couldn't see everything I write (he likes to take the piss a lot, thinks he's hilarious) and where his friends couldn't hijack my status updates with stupid comments. Or where he wouldn't ask my who people were and how I know them. Maybe the OPs husband feels he can be more himself with his friends without his wife being able to see everything he says or jokes about.

BUT at the same time, being all coy about it and getting angry etc does sound a bit dodgy. But then again, if you saw his secret profile and there's nothing dodgy going on....maybe he just wants a bit of space? Maybe he's looking to be seen as a person on his own, with his own identity? Mid-life crisis? I'm waffling...tired, hungry and bored.

I don't think there is any excuse for him to have a secret account, to deliberately block his wife, to lie and then to be so defensive when he is caught out. It's never good when one partner in a relationship wants to be involved in a secret single life away from the home.

The question is though, what will you do about it?

Apart from the 2 facebook accounts and the fact that he guards his phone, is there any other reason for you to suspect he is "playing away from home" - does he have nights out "with the boys" /come home late/ frequently "working" late or anything like that. Think you must have had some suspicion because of the fact that you checked his phone. SO time for an honest discussion - he is angry probably because he feels guilty that you have found out and very often people cover guilty feelings with anger because it is less hurtful to them.

What is the dynamic of your r/ship - is he the dominant partner - what part do both of you play when there is conflict - will one of you back down first. I ask this to get some notion of whether he will actually "come clean" about this matter. I wouldn't get into arguing about whether it's normal to have 2 facebook accounts or not, I would stick to the issue that he is being secretive and you are very hurt and are wanting explanations. Try to stay calm and focussed - a wise person told me once, when things are hotting up "lower your voice and strengthen your argument" and it works.

I would be very upset,to say the least,if my DH was doing this.Very strange and very worrying,whatever he tries to palm you off with.

I'm sorry to hear that OP. I agree with others, he's got no right to be angry with you over this, don't let him deflect this onto you.
In blocking you he has taken a proactive step to prevent you from ever stumbling on this second profile and viewing its content, why would he do that if he had nothing to hide?

my DP has two facebook accounts, one is for work and one for personal. BUT I have access to both.....

would NOT be happy if I were you...

2 Facebook accounts isn't necessarily suspect.

The behaviour is a bit odd though. I didn't like my DW seeing some of the forums I frequented (no, nothing like that :) - I'm a climber/rambler and I'd discuss what I was going to buy/get her - and she doesn't like being discussed ) but I'd hardly hide stuff...

When chaps behave like that... usually they feel guilty.

I'd hastily add it may not be guilt about what you suspect... but it's certainly guilt about something.

Sorry sparkle but I think it's more then wanting to keep his private life separate from friends and colleagues. Even more suspicious that he blocked you. I don't know anyone with 2 accounts either...

Hope you get to the bottom of it op

Sounds suspicions to me. The way he reacted to you also points towards something going on.

Bit tit for tat but could you sign up a new Facebook account with a fake name and look your DHs name up to see if his profile shows anything?

The fact that his phone never leaves his hand is not normal nor a good sign.

Sorry

Thanks all you guys for your replies. I'm overwhelmed by response as this is my first ever forum on Mumsnet. We've had major lengthy discussion about the other Facebook account and he offered to shut it down, but I told him no and that he had to make me privvy to it and unblock me so I could be a friend, which he's done.

Chance of his actually having affair is vitally nil as I said all our banking and cr. Cards are joint and I work in a bank so there's no way any money can go missing. Also he only went out 4 or 5 times on his own last year. Very rarely is he late home from work and I do his time sheets for him so I'd know if he lied about any overtime.

I think he has been a total twat and I have told him how dishonest he has been. He has apologized but I still think he thinks it's no big deal. I do know some of the people on his FB account and I have set up a separate account and email. For now I am keeping one ear to the ground as he has destroyed my trust in him.

On the plus side, because I've always been the dutiful wife and always been here, I'm going to start going out more and being a bit more mysterious. We have a 9 year old so social life has been a bit rubbish over last few years. Even if I tart myself up and go and sit in the supermarket carpark. Ive got 3 nights planned out with the girls over the next month. Although he encourages me to go out he'll find it strange that suddenly little wifey is having fun.

I'll keep you guys posted and once again thanks.

As I said, I'm pleased there wasn't a major problem.

I'd add he feels guilty as hell; don't undo your good work by giving him a reason to feel suspicious.

I'd guess from your last post he may feel a bit... controlled.

he only went out 4 or 5 times on his own last year
I do his time sheets for him

but that's his problem not yours.

However, your response to his stupidity?
I have set up a separate account and email

right, so that's going to help how?

Ive got 3 nights planned out with the girls over the next month

4 times last year/3 times next month

Yes, I can see that working.

Onemorechap - wonder if you are a chap. To be honest I don't think it's anyone's business who does the time sheets and has no significance. Many couples work in partnership like this according totheir differing skills. Why are you having to be so pessimistic about OP's planned nights out and why do you think her H is feeling controlled -maybe it was his choice to only go out infrequently. I don't find your post helpful and is unnecessarily pessimistic.

OP - I think you have acted wisely and confronted him etc and are making changes so that you become more independent. I honestly don't think your H can be having an affair for the reasons you state. Don't let this incident blight your r/ship - lack of trust can cause both parties a lot of distress - especially if there is nothing to be distrustful about.

It's great that your H has backed down and realised how hurtful he was being. But please don't start playing games or going out to spite him, that's not going to do your relationship any good at all. Your last paragraph sounds quite bitter. Go out of course, but for the right reasons, not to get back at him. You both need to work hard to move on now, please don't you start to pull back.

NanaNina wonder if you are a chap Why?

because I guess things rather than know things? Because I suspect the OPs man feels guilty

I am not pessimistic about OPs nights out.

I hope she has a lovely time, but read what she said.

I do know some of the people on his FB account and I have set up a separate account and email. For now I am keeping one ear to the ground as he has destroyed my trust in him.

She didn't like what he was doing... so... she does the same.

On the plus side, because I've always been the dutiful wife and always been here, I'm going to start going out more and being a bit more mysterious.

... but, of course, he didn't go out. He was just being a dick, and got caught, and was ashamed.

We have a 9 year old so social life has been a bit rubbish over last few years.

Yep, that is a problem everyone with young kids may have a bit of sympathy for. I remeber finding places me and exDW could go to with carrycots, or toddlers :(

Even if I tart myself up and go and sit in the supermarket carpark

So that's nothing to do with social life, and more to do with headgames.

Ive got 3 nights planned out with the girls over the next month. Although he encourages me to go out he'll find it strange that suddenly little wifey is having fun

Yes, right suspicion is always healthy... and you are right, he might not have chosen to go out often... he might have stayed at home with his DW and DCs, even if he was being a knob online.

I'm unsure as to whether being surprised that you suspect me of being female is a plus or minus for my participation