Save My Soul

[savemysoul]

I have name changed.

Background:
Abusive father, violent to my mother, alcholic, part of me loves him, part hates him.
He would tell me how useless I was and put me down in front of all.

I also feel the same for my mother, who took all his shit.
She also told me how useless I was and was extremelly distant from me.

I have had to learn most realtionship and socail skills on my own as I was ignored most of the time unless I did something wrong.

I have tried to tell them all this and they dont fucking get it.

So, all I ever wanted to do was get the fuck away from them and build myself an amazing life with an amazing man.

But guess what I still ended up with an emotional abuser.
The signs were there but because of my upbringing it was all familer and normal and I excepted it.

5 years into our marridge and with 2 DC I am heartbroken.
I dont know how to build my life or be happy.

DH has an erectile problem where I think it may be delayed ejaculation and is usally in alot of pain. He can not masturbate. He wont go to the doctors.
Sex is shit as it is reduced too how can I get him to cum and then leave me alone.
I tell him I want romance candles, massage, music.
But no.
He just wants to stick his finger in and grab my boobs, and for me to suck his dick.

Is this what sex is supposed to be like?
It makes me feel dead.

If I ever told him thats what it amounts to he would get very upset and cry and maybe get angry. Im not sure.

Day to day he has got better.
Not so aggressive at me.
But im still scared of him.
I still resent him.

I have told him how is behaviour effects me. He has changed, but Im not sure how much.

He is unsociable.
I feel so isolated.
He doesnt have friends due to his own poor relationship skills.
I have told him this but he doesnt understand it.

He critisies me in away I cant explain.

He is very articulate, I am not.

He is emotionally manipulateive.
I tell hime and he laughs and thinks manipulatiuon in a relationshiop is acceptable as a way to get what a person wants and everyone does it in some for.

I try and tell him that in a intimate relationship you dont do that.

I feel like a broken person.
I am not happy.
I do not know what to do.
I wonder id I should goon AD's so I can stio being unhappy and put on a brave face for my DCs

Thank you for reading.

Hello savemysoul
I think you have expressed yourself very well and it sounds like you have grown used to accepting treatment that noone should have to put up with.

Have you considered getting some therapy? It is available on the nhs, although there are long waiting lists. ADs may help but there are deeper issues here that may benefit from being discussed openly with a professional.

It sounds like you have a determined and strong character to have been able to get through your childhood and you can get through this.
You don't have to put up with the behaviour of other people and you can take control of your life.

I think you sound very sad, at the end of your tether and in need of some outside help.

Go and get some counselling. Find out if you want to stay with your H, or if you're only doing it because there is a part of you that accepts it as "normal", and worse, as "no more than you deserve".

When you have decided that you are worth more than this, leave him - if you are afraid or unsure how, contact Women's Aid:
Freephone 24 hr National domestic violence helpline
Run in partnership between Women's Aid and Refuge
PHONE: 0808 2000 247
Email: [email protected]

Only go on ADs if you are doing it to enable you to get away from your situation and rebuild your life without abuse - if you are considering taking them to dull the pain of the life you are currently in, it won't help.

Talk to Womens Aid, please.

Thank you for your replies.

Perhaps therpy is the way forward. I will look into seeing what I can get.

I often wonder if I expect to much from Dh.
He fincially provides for us(iam sahm on his request)
Recently tries to meet my needs by taking an interest in my hobbies and me socialising and listenting to my emotional needs.

Howver he still finds it hard to understand me in an empathtic way and has to understand logically.

And I cant articualte logically.
Is this a man vs woman thing?

He tells me he loves me and I belive him but then I am confused at the times he has put me down in front of others or been horried to me.

You dont do that too someone you love right?

Oh and he would be an arse to his friends, family and boss too.
He doesnt get that you dont have to have the upperhand in every flipping relationship.

I had to teach him not to have the last word in every converstion/discussion too.

Am I just bashing him/moaning or do I have genuine relationship problems?

I dont know.

OK, am putting myself out on a limb here because it's one of those things that people sometimes get a bit annoyed about if it's mentioned - but is there any chance your DH is on the autistic spectrum? Just asking because of the things you have said about him. If he is, then chances are you ARE expecting things of him that he cannot provide for you. But if he's not, then he is a controlling arse with no fellow feeling for other people.

You can go through your GP for some counselling to help you come to terms with your own feelings about yourself and your family; and/or you can go to Relate to discuss your relationship issues. You can go by yourself to Relate - they have that facility.

Does he allow you to have friends or is he trying to isolate you from everyone? Just asking this because of him preferring you to be a SAHM - one of the classic signs of emotional abuse is to isolate the partner from friends, colleagues, family, so that they literally have no one else to talk to.

I would also recommend counseling. You sound like you may need to find yourself and figure out what you want and it could also help you with talking to DP about what's bothering you.

It sounds very painful and difficult. and it does sound controlling. That may not be intentional but it's still not ok. Criticisng you in public is horrible.

thumbdabwitch I have wondered before if he was in the autistic spectrum but then he is also very good and in touch with his own emotions and sensitive to himself and to his mum and dads needs.

So I ruled Autisem out.

Or can people be like that? I dont know.

I have made an appointment to see the gp to see if I can get refered for therpy.

He doenst isolate me from friends and is fine with me socialsing however will moan about how I have left him alone when I do go out.
I also want to do some evening courses which he is fine about me learning but not how it will take me away from him.
Even though he can work long hours and most of the time I am on my own.

I think he is emotioally selfish. If that's possible!

elephantsaregreen I think you are right, it is unintentional but he is controlling and when I bring it up, he doesnt see it and puts a logical angle on it all.
And also denies that he has put me down in front of others.
He just doesnt see that he does it to me.
It feels like he's in denial.
But why?

He has gone to work now, and before I left I told him that we needed to have a chat when he got back about our sex life.

This morning I have also rung around local sexual help groups.

Im really hoping that he's going to take me seriously on this because I find it all so soul destroying.