Don't know what to say to my friend who is dying...

[TheMoistWorldOfSeptimusQuench]

Just found out at the weekend that an old friend is in the local hospice and probably doesn't have long to go. She's 58.

We used to work very closely together, and have been friends for 16 years. That said, we've had less contact in the last 3 years - not because we haven't wanted to, but just let things drift a bit since I moved to another town, became a parent, she changed career, and so on. To say I regret that now doesn't even come close...

So, I'm going to see her, hopefully on Thursday. But I'm stumped. What to say? I can hardly stroll in with a cheery " Hi! It's so lovely to see you! DD's doing great, how are your kids?".

I should know better - I'm a social worker fgs, but with her being a friend, and one who I've had barely any contact with for ages, I just haven't a clue how much to ask about her illness, her prognosis, what sort of help to offer. Obviously this is not just about unfamiliarity - more sadness and probably some guilt at having let what was a really close and supportive friendship slide.

I had a text from a mutual friend earlier, saying that she really wants to see me and is looking forward to it, so I know it's the right thing to do and hopefully not intrusive.

Feel like I'm being a bit daft

Just go and see her. Once you're there, the conversation will take care of itself.

Take her something lovely and give her a hug.

Be prepared to be emotional. But let that happen and just talk to her. Of course it won't be intrusive.

I'm so sorry to hear that you are losing your friend {sad]

So sorry about your friend.

No stunning words of wisdom here - maybe just tell her you've missed her and have a laugh remembering the old times. Maybe jot a few things down before you go so you can say, "Remember when....."

Don't be afraid to laugh with her - I suspect you'll be a wonderful break.

hug!

No you aren't being daft at all, I would be the same. I have no advice at all I'm afraid, but I hope you enjoy your visit.

I'm so sorry about your friend and what you both are going through at the moment. :(

I think you just need to go in there with the idea of reminiscing about old times and the fun you had together, she is probably looking forward to that as well. Do you have any old photos you could take with you? You two could have a lovely afternoon together if you are able to relax a bit.

You're not being daft, I completely understand why you're nervous, but please try to remember she is still the same woman who you were so close to and she will see the same in you.

I'm sure you will be a wonderful support to her. :)

Thank you.

What can I take her? What would she need? I'm guessing her room looks like a florist's already, and she probably doesn't have a huge appetite. Perfume?

Sorry to hear about your friend :(

You aren't being daft. It is a horrible situation, but please don't worry too much about what to say, or what not to say - that's exactly what your friend wouldn't want.

She is looking forward to seeing you, not because you will have the perfect speech prepared, but because she likes you. Take your lead from her, don't overthink things, and most importantly, listen. The right words and/or questions will come naturally.

You will probably also find that your friend wants to hear your news too, and to find out what has happened in your life. Normal, everyday chat could be just the thing to brighten her day.

We all let friendships slide (and this sounds like a two-way street), but good friendships can take a bit of slippage. Of course you feel sad that it happened given the circumstances, but it's not too late to reconnect, and now is when your friendship will mean the most.

I hope you manage to see her on Thursday.

Oh I am sorry.

As the others say, it will all fall into place. She may want to ask you for some help, music and things. Would you be comfortable asking her what you can do, in general terms? My friend works in a hospice and offers the drinks trolley when friends are there, and sometimes they get the CDs out and decide what they want. Or they just remember the good times.

I really am sorry, but the years will melt away when she sees you. x

I've seen moisturiser recommended as a gift for those in your friend's position. People don't always think to buy it, but obviously with the effects of treatment for a terminal illness, lovely skincare stuff can be a welcome gift.

Without knowing your budget, if you decide to go for this, I would suggest getting a few products from the Simple skincare range, perfumed things may be an irritant to her skin, so the plainer the better.

That said, I think your idea of perfume would make a lovely gift, as she wouldn't have to spray it on her skin, just in the room.

I hope it goes well for you.

When a dear friend of mine was in the hospice I took him a copy of the Book of the Dead I know it seems bad taste, but he was an educated man who was very curious about where he was going and loved to read. He loved it, and had me read five chapters at each visit. He even got me to take him to the pub in his wheelchair.

IT all depends on the stage of the illness I guess. Creams are a great idea. You could sit and rub her hands and feet if she let you.

I don't think you need to take anything, its you she want's to see.
Photographs as mentioned before would be great, perhaps a nice comfy nightie or housecoat if you feel you must take something?

So so sorry.

Two friends, when dying, have separately asked me, "Will you be there for my family?" I would have anyway - we're all friends - but it was important for both of them to feel that they were handing over to someone, so to speak. Some of it was specific requests (please help so and so with a piece of ongoing legal paperwork), some of it was just knowing that those left behind wouldn't be alone.

I don't know if that has any resonance with you and your friend's situations.

I wish you both lots of strength for the time ahead, and much warmth and joy in looking back together at the great times you shared.

Thanks for all these lovely ideas and kind thoughts.
I hadn't thought of books. She was such an avid, enquiring reader, I hope she's still got the energy for it. Maybe audio books would be good.
Perfumedlife the thought of the intimacy of massaging the hands and feet of this incredibly strong and dynamic but now so vulnerable woman has set the tears off again.

I suspect that, ill or not, she will just be delighted to see you, and your friendship will shine through. treat it like a normal meet-up in a cafe, be natural with her - you were close so it shoudln't be difficult to be natural. I doubt she'll want you standing on ceremony.

I'm sorry this is a sad time but I hope you will be a comfort to each other.

But she may love being touched, some human closeness. The audio books would be a good thing, or maybe some poetry if she likes it.

Really she just wants some time with you, and that is special enough. I think we will all be there in spirit, willing you on.

You will give her such a lift.

I am so sorry to hear about your friend.

Perhaps consider something funny, if that's appropriate to your friend? If laughs were a big part of your relationship, she might like a book that suits your shared sense of humour. Laughter can be a huge relief to everyone at a serious time.

You're right perfumed, about the human closeness, I see it with my own clients so much. Just that your post resonated because she was never a touchy-feely person before, but given what our other mutual friend has said, she's reaching out for it now.

These responses have been really helpful in getting my thoughts in order. Thank you

Been in this situation recently. Things that went down well were soft fluffy bed socks and a lovely soft scarf that was re named a hug . Sorry about your friend.

My friend who works there sees many women too young to die. She says they don't stop being woman, and if they were into their appearance, she offers some makeup, just blusher and mascara, bit of vaseline, and to do their hair. If they are the type to read, they love being read to. If they were caught unawares with the illness, there can be so much anger, and she encourages them to get it out, be angry, put on some loud music and shout and rage.

The rules are, there are no rules, but she will let you know what she needs, so long as you appear willing.

I really hope your visit goes well, will be thinking of you both.

Not sure if this is allowed in a hospice but the gift I would take would be some little bottles of champagne - you know the mini bottles that are basically enough for a glass or two.

If I was in that situation I'd like a decadent glass of champagne occasionally!

Also how about a lovely alpaca wool blanket? Lovely and soft and feels very luxurious.

One thing I wouldnt take is magazines, of the Take a Break, Chat, genre.. as they are full of real life stories of people with illnesses etc.. and probably do more to depress anyone than anything else.

But, crosswords and word search books if she is up to that. Lollipops were something my dad enjoyed, because the medication was making him thirsty all the time, and he had difficult in swallowing, so fruit lollies were always welcome..

Let her take the lead. You don't need to ask anything or know about her illness, but she might want to tell you about it.

When my friend passed away almost a year ago, she couldn't speak on the phone, but I wrote her a letter saying I'd always be availale to her children if they wanted to talk about her, I'd remember their birthdays etc.

and how sorry I was that we wouldn't grow old together.

I had to write it as a 'just in case' sort of thing as at that stage everyone was trying to keep her positive and she didn't know she only had a month or two left, but I was fairly sure.

Good luck, and if she is looking forward to seeing you I would bet she will have loads to tell you. Don't worry x

IngridB is absolutely right about letting her take the lead... but do take tissues as one or both of you may cry and that is not a bad thing.

Remember that you don't even have to talk, sometimes just being there and holding a hand is enough. The idea about manicures and pedicures is lovely and worked well for my mum when she was dying from liver cancer. Ring the ward and ask if there is something that she hankers after... it may well be that she is not eating but a small bottle of champagne with her having a couple of sips might be a boost and think how indulgent and naughty you could both feel drinking it in the middle of the day!

If you do not think that you can say things then leave her a letter telling her why she was special to you, what drove you up the wall and why you will miss her.

OH OP so very sorry for you and your friend. My sister died in a hospice 3 years ago. The positive thing is hospice year is totally brilliant and if you have to die, that's the place to do it.

To be honest until you get there, you won't know what state she is in. I say this because my sister was always sitting up, ready for a chat and loved looking at photos of us as kids etc, but all the other people were sort of semi conscious or just asleep - wasn't really sure.

Agree with what everyone else says - you can't really prepare - hold her hand and say how sad you are for her and don't be afraid to cry with her (or without her) - it would be a bit strange if you didn't cry. You are a sw (so am I though retired now) so you will know what NOT to do - chatter on, try to "take her mind off things" etc etc and all the other stuff people do with good intent but so wrong.

Your friend may be able to tell you things about her death and funeral that she hasn't been able to tell her own kids or family, but as you know you will take the lead from her. I just used to sit and hold my sister's hand and when she said she was in pain (it wasn't from the cancer as that was controlled by morphine) but she was so thin that there was no flesh covering the bones at the botom of her back, so they felt hard on the bed. She was constantly asksingus to move her and her sons used to, but the nursing staff told us not to as we could do more damage. SO I used to do something else, like massage her feet, cool her head with facial wipes etc and it took her mind off it.

Not sure about taking something. Hospices have aromatherapy and spa pools etc and even painted my sister's nails cus that's what she wanted. I think the soft socks might be an idea (or maybe a spritzer spray - you know cool water for her face and neck) but you could always keep them in your bag and see whether you think it a good idea. Yes there are usually loads of flowers. If you have any photos of you and your friend together, that would be great.

The hospice provided wine for my sister's son's 40th birthday that we had in the hospice lounge. So the small bottle of champagne could be a possibility but check wit the staff first. Also, there will be a nurse to comfort you when your visit is over and a nice lounge with tea and coffee so that you can recover a little before leaving.

In first line it should read "hospice care" not hospie year" - doh

Thank you so much everyone who posted here.
I went to the hospice today (tried to call her this morning, but she was asleep. I was on a course in a building over the road this afternoon, so thought I might as well just pop in on the off chance, being prepared to be turned away).

Anyway, she has taken a huge turn for the worse, is now just drifting in and out of conciousness and is unable to speak. Her son was there, and came out to meet me in the reception area to explain that she couldn't see me.

It was so, so sad. He told me that this has happened so quickly - she was misdiagnosed for the first 6 months. The GP kept telling her to take ibuprofen and pull herself together (this is a woman who, having broken 3 ribs, insited on continuing to work with me as a carer, lifting and hoisting people and god knows what else. Nothing fazed her or stopped her in her tracks), so she was only properly identified 3 months ago. The cancer is so aggressive and has progressed so quickly, she's barely had the chance to think about what's happening to her and is terrified. I can't imagine the friend of old being terrified of anything. She was so strong and resourceful.

But, it was lovely to meet her son. I remember her talking about her naughty teenage boys, and here he is now, this lovely 32 year old. Confident, compassionate, intelligent, and an absolute credit to her.

It was really nice to be able to tell him some of the stories about the fun we had together on our homecare rounds, the unorthodox ideas she came up with to cheer our patients up, and the affection and commitment she showed to them all.

He's going to give her a big hug from me, and let me know how things progress.

And you're right about hospice care - it is a wonderful place. She even has her dog there to keep her company and (if that's not too contradictory)