Really need some other views on my dreadful life

[MomSthDub]

Hi,
Firstly background to my life : with my partner 14 yrs (not married tho). Six years ago we were going through a rough patch and I kissed a guy outside a pub - not a good point in my life - I admit. However he found out and decided to forgive me and we worked hard to get our relationship back on track.
Move forward three years we have another beautiful child, I thought I was extremely happy when i found out that he had been sexting a girl from the local pub - when I went through his phone bills the texting (he claims most were innocent) went on for over 2 years. I told absolutely no-one what I was going through and decided to forgive him as he had forgiven me before.
Like most people in the current times we have been going through rough financial issues over last two years and my second son has had to have a lot of medical tests which resulted in a few issues.
Last year during one heated arguement he accused me of sleeping with his brother and doubting whether or not my first son was his - I couldnt believe it - he knows that I dont have a high sex drive and that this wasnt possible but because I sleep walk - he claims I walked into the room his brother was in (over 10 yrs ago) and seduced him and he has been living with this for 10 yrs. Because I was going through so much with my second son, I just let it go and to be honest actually wondered over the last year if it had actually been said.
Move forward to this year, things have been just as financially challenging however he always has money to go to the pub. He decides to go on a stag in October and upon his return I noticed a major change. Constantly on facebook on his phone, wouldn't let me near it (even tho I had only set him up on it a few weeks prior to this). For a few weeks I had a suspicion something wasn't right, so one morning I logged onto his facebook (its connect to one of my mails) and there was messages from her to him - not very sexual but too friendly iykwim - I let it go for a few weeks then confronted him. Well all hell broke loose - accused me of spying on him (even tho up to October he was constantly at me to put photos on his facebook, make changes, show him how to do it). He said that was just how the girls were from her area (very friendly), then he threw the accusation about his brother at me again.
To say I was devastated is an understatement. However I just wanted to get the kids through Christmas and had no real proof that anything had happened. Then one day I had a bad day in work and went to be early with the kids but next morning I knew something was up. Got to work and opened the mail account just and there was all the mails back to him fro her with things like :
?but we have a good memory don?t we?
?don?t say never cos Im back in your town after xmas?
?well we?re aiming for end of January but need to see who can go?
"Ditto ... wish we could have had more days to have more sex..."
"can't stop bout you either xxx"
I was utterly heartbroken and he still denies it. However so close to Christmas I tried to muddle through however xmas night a minor argument in my inlaws with him then grew into a bigger one later than nite with me telling him that I cant cope and maybe we should separate. Next morning the abuse started (has happened before), told me I was a skitzo, psycho to stay out of his way and not to speak about his family I had the power (accusation about brother) to destroy his family.... Kept calling me nuts, telling the kids he loved them and only them... This had me in tears and unfortunately my mum knocked at that time and it all came spilling out.
She told him to stop calling me names that I wasnt made or skitzo, he tried to throw her out of my house (we live very near). They used to be so close.
Also during this time I got a text from a private number telling me that he was sleeping with someone else but he totally denied this.
He packed up and moved out and for the last four weeks it has been mental torture. He swings from being nice to me to being horrid and telling me he doesn?t want to come back ? Im a liar, nut etc.
He asked and I agreed to go to counseling so went last Thursday and he told her that I was a liar, that a friends brother (policeman) checked out the text and said it was probably me or my mother that sent it and someone trying to get at me not him WTF!!! Tried to explain to counselor everything that was going on for but he had an answer for everything eg

1. he?s go out to pub every weds and every weekend (sat or sun), he told counselor he had to go out at weekend cos I go shopping with my mum for the whole day and he?s left alone in the house!!.
2. When she asked about the kids and who does what. I told her that I do everything when I come in from work (habit from when he used to work long hours). His response was that he plays with them when he gets in and that?s more important!!. Anyway despite a lot of tears from me I agreed to continue counseling. Had four conversations with him on Friday first general chitchat, second he jumped down my throat accused me of being money mad and a liar ?? said he?d been thinking about the counseling the previous night then walked out of house. Rang me later about something trivial and was very nice and on fone for a while ? feel like im going mad!!! Last night he comes to see kids and let slip that he wasn?t going out cos his one night stand from the stag was visiting the town. I asked how he knew and he said you know too. It was in the messages. But it wasn?t. The message above was the one that caught him and then after that he said he told her to go away. When I confronted him later last night (by text) after re-reading my mails, he said I was mad, that she had mentioned in earlier mails (prior to one above) that they would be coming to town on 28th XXX hotel provisionally booked etc? Said I would never trust him but I tried to explain that trust takes time and is earned and he responded with that he doesn?t have time and needs to move on with his life so lets just be friends etc. Then this morning rings to check on kids and whats to know how I am and if I?ve any news?> I feel like Im going mad. Im not even sure if there?s any advice any one can give me, but am I being neurotic?? I would have thought that it was normal to be this suspicious?? And that he would be more understanding.

I feel like Im constantly on the verge of tears, have permanent headaches and can't sleep. Dont know what to do for the best for my children and me.

I get the feeling that he is trying to make you 'think' you're losing the plot to excuse his actions.

He's projecting his guilt onto you and playing mind games.

If it was a one night stand, then why has the other woman got his number and him hers?

He's not got time to wait for respect and trust? What he means is he can't earn it, because he can't be faithful to you.

Or he doesn't want to be.

He's poison and is trying to drive you mad. this is classic emotional abuse. Forget counselling with him and get rid. Get counselling for yourself to raise your self esteem and confidence. You don't need to be treated like this. He is a very cruel man. Women's Aid will help you.

I would get well rid, you deserve miles better op. You shouldn't have to put up with that shit. What a tosser

He's playing nasty, nasty games and no wonder you're frazzled - that was his intention.

Do the benefits of your relationship actually outweigh all this shit?

Please get rid of this excuse for a man. He is trying to make you think you're going nuts, you will be if you put up with anymore of this rubbish,

Trust me, your life will be so much happier without him and the kids will be just fine.

[[http://www.womensaid.org.uk/?gclid=COjk7eLO5KYCFUEY4QodhFO81Q Here are the contact details for Women's Aid]

OP - I keep re-reading what you have written above.

Please, please get some help and support to rebuild yourself.

You don't need relationship counselling, you need personal counselling.

You need to keep this man away from you.

Can you arrange for him to see the children in a public place? Or for a friend/family member to take them to see him?

I'm sorry but there is nothing for you to work towards here with him.

This man doesn't love you or want you.

He doesn't respect you. At all.

You need to understand that. You are worth much, much more than he will ever give you.

crikey op,it sounds doomed i'm afraid.....i think you can do better for yourself than this. sorry

Here

Sorry

I'd be happy that he's moved out.

I'd be setting down a few ground rules ie him only calling to ask about the children.

Only turning up to pick the children up when arranged.

Don't get pulled into childish bitching phone conversations and texts.

Leave his facebook account alone.

If you feel rotten and desperate ,go to your gp-you maybe depressed.Ask for counselling if you think it will help YOU.

I hope you will soon see that you have removed a negative sap on your life/self esteem and that you will 100% benefit from this in the future (and so will your children).

I'd be happy that he's moved out.

I'd be setting down a few ground rules ie him only calling to ask about the children.

Only turning up to pick the children up when arranged.

Don't get pulled into childish bitching phone conversations and texts.

Leave his social networking account alone-don't upset yourself anymore.

If you feel rotten and desperate ,go to your gp-you maybe depressed.Ask for counselling if you think it will help YOU.

I hope you will soon see that you have removed a negative sap on your life/self esteem and that you will 100% benefit from this in the future (and so will your children).

Firstly thank you all for your comments. Up until 4 weeks ago I never told a soul anything that was going on.

There were times when I actually wondered if I was going mad, or what makes me so horrid that he speaks to me that way. He generally is the life and soul of the party, everyone's friend, and can be so charming if he wants but can also and has easily turn around on fone and say to me "Go fuck yourself" - I said this to him - I wouldnt speak to a stranger like that so cant understand where his venom at me can come from.

With a child with special needs, I just hated the thoughts of the disruptions to our lives if we split because he will eventually make me sell the house and move the children but a very good friend keeps telling me that it will be fine, the kids are used to him not being around - I suppose after all these years together Im a little afraid of going it alone.

I've just gotten the number of a local counsellor and will ring after work to make an appointment.

Can you believe he just forwarded me a text from a friend of his asking if we are going to his wedding next week??? - the wedding that I told him last week I wasnt going to attend under the circumstances.

I really feel he is playing with my head!

He is playing with your head. And your heart.

Please believe me when I rell you that you are much better off without a man like this in your life.

He is vile and will never change. Never.

His power over you is held in place by you letting him control you.

Stop.

You will not be homeless. There is always someone who can help you.

Maybe contact Women's Aid and ask for advice on what housing is available in your area?

Does he own the house you are in now?

Get a paternity test to prove the child is his, then he can never throw it in your face again. And plan your life without him, he is making you miserable.

'tell'

Try and move your contact to him to text and email. Keep them all that way you have written down what he has said to refer back to!

I wouldn't bother carrying on going to counceling to be honest. If he is just going to lie you are wasting your time.

Arrange for him to see your children elsewhere at set times. Arrange for him to call your children at set times and get caller ID. Get them to answer the phone at that time. If he calls outside this time tough don't answer.

Get yourself to a clinic and get checked for STI's. Sorry /-: He has been screwing this girl. He doesn't care for your mental well being do you think he cares for your physical?

Stay strong, you know what is right. AS long as he doesn't harm your children it doesn't matter what he says/does.

so glad you got the story out on here - must have been torture holding all that in (hug).

he does sound like a bad lot - please have a look at the womens aid website. the charming bit...everybody loves him, life and soul (then FOUL abuse when no-one else is around) - all hallmarks of an abuser.

your description of the counselling session sounded so painful Mom, with him lying in such a disgusting way, you crying and crying. oh god Mom - you don't have to go through any more pain like this - get your own counsellor and rebuild your life. has he always been like this? my guess is he has.

as for being on your own - girl, you won't know yourself. plus you are protected re housing if you have children, particularly if you have a child with sn. again, look at the womens aid website where there is every kind of info you need in the situation you're in. or give them a call (24/7) 0808 2000 247. they are fantastic, a real help and support.

so sorry to hear how painful this has been for you. please see your GP about the exhaustion, headaches, sleep etc. xx

Thank you all for your messages and support. I spent a lot of time last night thinking about the last few years and its really hard to pinpoint where things went wrong. He's not always horrid and is generally very charming but can easily turn and call me a skitzo or pyscho which to be is not on as I wouldnt do this to anyone in my life.

A couple of instances came to mind that I thought were probably not normal by other people's standards ;

1. if he came home and there was no cakes or sweets that he would like, he would instantly query if i had done any shopping at all and if so what did I buy
2. If his shirt wouldnt iron - ie he couldnt get the creases out he would be like an anti-christ querying how the clothes were getting washed and why the creases wouldn't come out. But I used to just ignore comments like these.

The counsellor asked the other night, what generally happened before all this, when we had a row, and he told her we generally got on, but the truth (and I told her) is that I generally make the peace. I hate rows and bad feeling in the house. One other thing he claimed that he needs to come first in my life but I always state the kids come first and thats normal for a woman - isnt it? but he has a big problem with this.

Im not sure where I am at the minute - my head is melted. I think because I never told a soul anything that went on until Christmas, he's got so used to knowing how to get round me or say anything and I will do nothing, that now he doesnt know what to do.

I told him that between him and my stressful job that I feel on the verge of a breakdown at times the last few weeks.

His parting comments on Sunday nite were how he hoped we could be friends and still go out as a family. That he'd always love me in a strange sort of way!!!

Then he rings sons fone last night, wanting to speak to him, had been trying to ring me on house phone (i was on it) and mobile (out o power), worried about me !!! Just said to him that he was playing games with my head and had to go to bed - had been up all night Sunday with son.

Counsellor is to ring me back today with an appointment within the next few days so just gonna take your advice and try to keep conversations to a minimum and about the kids.

We (I) have a hole in sitting room ceiling since xmas waiting on insurance to sort it out and he's constantly querying that.

Unfortunately the house we live in (ireland) is in negative equity and we have two more which are both in negative equity so financially he has me tied, however I do work and will be able to rent if it comes to that (checked it out last night on web).

I really appreciate all the support and comments on here. Sometimes its hard to believe the things that are said and I have wondered at times if its just me that makes him treat me so badly at times, because he is so nice and helpful to others always and can be so charming to me at times. It would be easier if he was always horrid because then it would be easier to work out my head, but the way things keep switching I feel like im cracking up.

No, you're not bonkers. Has anyone suggested you read up on gaslighting?

I'm shocked that your counsellor is continuing to see you both together. All that's happening is he gets to gaslight her as well!

If you call Women's Aid, they'll be able to talk you through your options. Good luck.

Thank god you have had the strength and courage to face up to the truth about this man and walk away from him. It really must be taking all your reserves of energy dealing with him. He sounds absolutely poisonous - please know that you are not going mad - and more importantly you must not for a single second blame yourself for his behaviour towards you. The fact that he can be charming to others is just more evidence of what a nasty bullying character he is.

I will repeat what others have said - stop all contact except email/ text re. your children. Can you involve a friend/ your mother in setting up a system of contact where you never have to speak to him? You need to really really withdraw from this man's space/ life. Him calling and checking you are okay is NOT acceptable. It's maniuplative and controlling. I"m glad you are seeing through this.

What you are going through is appalling - and its amazing that are being so brave and moving forward with your life. You have had the misfortune to have this man in your life but this does not have to define your future.

Get all the professional help you can, tell everyone who can help you what is happening to you, that will keep you safe and protected. And disengage from him as much as possible.

And I agree - stop joint counselling at once - it's not appropriate for situations like these, he is using it as a chance to bully you any more.

stay on mumsnet - lots of people here who have escaped similar men and are now happy and free. Look forward five years - make some big dreams about your free life without him and know they will happen for you.

hello op - you okay?

Hi waterrat, Im okay thanks. My son was up most of last night with diarrhoea so fun filled house here. I did however managed to get a personal counselling session today - it was just an assessment but felt good to have someone to talk to and yes, she like ye, doesnt believe im going mad.

I've kept all conversations to a minimum so hes now using chasing the insurance company to fix ceiling, as his means of contacting me.

The relationship counsellor from accord sent me a reminder today to say that we're booked in for Friday so not sure what to do about that yet.

Mum & dad have been amazing, they've even offered to put an extension on their house if i need to move home with the kids (its only a few doors away) so disruption to kids would be minimal.

Im so happy i posted on this site on monday because I think its the first time i've actually said it all out loud. sometimes when things go round your head for a long time, you begin to doubt whats real.

im gonna go to bed soon cos only got 3 hrs last night and back in office tomorrow, but thanks again - this site is a lifesaver.

Glad you are okay - re. the Relate counsellor - could you go alone? - it sounds as though he is very damaging to you and you would be better off avoiding all contact with him and withdrawing from his energy in your life completely. It's good you have your family to help you - it sounds as though he is a classic abuser, particularly with trying to convince you that it's you going mad - have you heard of gaslighting? I only heard of it after reading about it on mumsnet! but sounds like that is what he is doing.

It sounds as though you have been very courageous in pulling away from this man - I think that talking about it openly is a first step in regaining the power over your own life - and taking it away from him. Silence just protects abusers and puts you at risk.