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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Has anyone been able to repair an unhappy marriage?

11 replies

minkulus · 31/01/2011 13:27

I am desperatley trying to think of ways to keep my family together. I have been married to DH for 11 years and have two beautiful children with him.
I have some lovely friends, my daughter is a happy little girl and doing well at school and I have a new baby boy! To the outside world i have it all, BUT, I have had enough. I am unhappy, lonely (he's a workaholic) and finding our house just too much for me.
I have an ongoing health issue that means I am exhausted (add that to baby tiredness!!) and I never have any time with DH. He chooses to spend all spare time at work, and often leaves me alone in the evenings to go back to work, we have talked and he has made all the usual promises (a few too many times!)
Where do I go from here? sorry a bit long!

OP posts:

robberbutton · 31/01/2011 20:18

Bumping for you, sorry no wise mnetters have been along yet!

Original poster

minkulus · 31/01/2011 20:47

Thank you robberbutton. I guess its not really headline grabbing? oh well!

OP posts:

2posh2post · 31/01/2011 20:49

Might you have PND?

Have you told your DH how sad you feel? He is probably under the grand delusion that he is doing all he can by going out earning money whilst you have a whale of a time at home. Which is of course wrong, but maybe he needs to have this pointed out to him.

It sounds more as if YOU are unhappy, and DH hasn't noticed, than that there is anything fundamental wrong in the marriage (although I am just guessing). If you could find a way of being less lonely, and meantime get DH to help more around the house, or employ more help if you can afford it, so you are less tired, then that might be 90% of the way to a solution. Hmmm...it is difficult having a social life whilst you have a baby as you probably can't go out in the evenings and are no doubt too tired to want to anyway, but perhaps you could find a mother and baby running group, or coffee morning, or film club.....

Sorry not to have any more specific advice. I hope you feel happier soon.

Tiredtrout · 31/01/2011 20:51

Only ideas I've got are a cleaner or ironing service and try and get your dh to agree to date nights xx hope that's not to stepford wifey!

Suncottage · 31/01/2011 20:53

Hi Minkulus

I tried but failed - we limped along for another year and then I ended it. I have been with my Dp for five years now and he has his foibles but I could never go back to my marriage - like you said - too many broken promises.

Could you get help in the house? Any local groups you could join? Friends or family that could pitch in?

Bumping for you and sending you a hug. Horrid situation.

accessorizequeen · 31/01/2011 21:01

Relate. Or any other marriage counselling. I thought we were dead in the water 6 years ago but two lots of counselling and 3 more dc and a lot more pressure we're still going and have a stable and happy relationship. I think the problems you have described are ones that can be fixed (imo of course!). Communication is key & relate can help you communicate better. You've got a new baby, pressure is always on a relationship at this point and you're so exhausted maybe that's hard to see?
If you can't make it to counselling (either as a couple or individually as I think you could benefit there), try to communicate with dh about the issues other than face to face. That's when things get heated. DP and I often discuss the difficult issues via email or text so we can think about what we want to say instead of lashing out.

MummieHunnie · 31/01/2011 21:11

I agree, to suceed in any relationship you need to have good communication, sometimes you have no idea that your communication is poor until you look at it, I do think that you will both have to put some effort in, and if your oh won't, please do it for youself anyways and see if things improve, if they don't then you will not have wasted your time.

Original poster

minkulus · 31/01/2011 21:49

Thanks so much for the replies. I have talked to my DH about my unhappiness etc and
He wants to try to work at things with me.
The exhaustion is crippling and I already
Have help in the house. It's just such a big
House and garden etc that I spend all
My time doing chores.
I think the idea of emails or texts is probably
A good way forward at the moment as my DH
Is overseas on business for the best part of
The next two months!!
I appreciate you taking the time to reply. Lots of thinking to do!!

OP posts:

2posh2post · 01/02/2011 10:41

I am glad you have talked to your DH.

When my DC were little and I found that exhaustion/ lack of free time thing, I had the good fortune to live next to another mum who wanted to work 2 days a week and also had two little ones. We arranged to each have all 4 DC on 2 days a week, and then had 2 days off to do Mummy stuff, or just do nothing (or, in her case, to work). Having 4 small ones to entertain, read to, cook for and take to the park is little harder than having 2, and certainly no more time consuming (100% either way) yet the days off were life savers. The children loved it too as the days when I had all 4 I didn't even try to get other stuff, but just focused on them, and they loved their days with the other Mum who was simply delightful.

Perhaps you could find a baby swap and get yourself some time off that way?

It's tough if your DH is away.

Last point: have you had your thyroid function checked? It can not uncommonly become underactive after childbirth and that would account for crippling exhaustion. Just a thought.

Original poster

minkulus · 01/02/2011 20:53

Thanks 2posh - love the name by the way!!- I hadnt even thought about a baby swap, what a fantastic idea. I'm not sure how it would work here, I live in back of beyond!! might see if there is a notice board or something at the local school?
My DH is away a lot and as some kind soul pointed out today "you're a single mum, just a married one!!".
have been a bit more positve today, but still really feeling I want out! Is suppose its just a matter of trying everything possible to save the sinking ship in the hopes i dont have to jump?!

OP posts:

LizDawes · 04/02/2011 20:59

I'm not sure how much this will help. But it is a very honest account of how I have coped with, in the end, leaving my marriage. The best advice I can give you is to be true to yourself, to your emotions, be kind to yourself, and listen to your inner voice. You DO know what is best for you. Leaving is NOT easy, believe me. But in the end you only have one chance at having a happy life. Ask yourself what you really want, what is really best for your kids. There are no easy answers but you have to start trusting yourself and thinking about what you really need to be happy.

Start at the bottom in sept and work up. And this isn't a plug for my blog, I promise, but I do think some of my experiences might help you.

Good luck. Whatever you chose, you deserve to be happy.

beth-multuminparvo.blogspot.com

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