Please help me I'm so confused!

[Nogoodatthis]

Just been reading the diary thread and it's thrown me into a complete panic.

I've been seeing a very lovely man for four months now. He's sweet, affectionate, kind, makes plans to see me at every opportunity he's free, has a DC that I haven't met yet, um what else? Always calls when he says he will, has never messed me around, he's met my friends and they all like him. Basically I think he's a good one.

BUT, we still haven't had an open discussion about what our relationship actually is. We both met very soon after ending our previous relationships and although I know that I'm definitely over my ex I do worry whether he's definitely over his. He hasn't given me any reason to think otherwise but I suppose what freaks me out is that I don't have to see my ex ever again, but because he has a DC he obviously still speaks to his ex all the time. A new one on me but I guess I just have to deal with it. However, has he held back on telling me how he feels because he's still not sure how he feels? And why am I scared to ask him? Part of me feels like I sholud chill out because it's still early days and part of me worries that if I'm scared to ask him how he feels about me it's because my gut is telling me I won't like the answer.

But the thing that's making me unsure of my instincts is the fact that I have had a horrible past few years - bereavement followed quickly by redundancy, then I moved in with my emotionally abusive ex, moved out after about 6 months, moved into a place on my own, had to leave there after 2 months because of psycho landlady, basically lived on friends' floors for 3 months, went round the world, came back, ended my EA relationship for good and got my own place. Then I meet this guy.

So I guess my question is am I just feeling paranoid and insecure because I went through all that horrible, horrible uncertainty and shit over the past few years? Or, as someone said in the diary thread (which set this whole thing off), is my gut trying to tell me something here and I'm ignoring it?

I feel clingy and needy and desperate and if a day goes by and I don't hear from him, I take it as a massive sign of rejection and a signal that everything is on the skids.

It freaks me out that a guy like the diary poster's STBex can be attentive and introduce her to his friends and call her his girlfriend and yet feel almost complete indifference and irritation towards her.

The OP on that thread said she felt fine when they were together but when they were apart she felt uncomfortable and couldn't put her finger on why. That's exactly how I feel! But am I right to be feeling like that or is it just because I'm traumatised by all the huge upheavals of the last 3 years?

Sorry this is so long. I just needed to get it all down. Thank you if you've made it this far.

Four months isn't that long, I think you should take it easy. It sounds like you've both had some stuff to deal with in recent years so take your time, there's no rush to have big relationship discussions. I don't think you should be judging your guy on the diary guy, you've said you think he's a good one and so do your friends, go with it.

Thank you!

Mumsnet makes me so paranoid sometimes.

I saw someone write on that thread that you have to 'trust your instincts, if you feel like something's wrong then it probably is, etc, etc', but I feel like something's wrong because there's something wrong WITH ME.

Also, let me run this one by you.

We're not friends on facbook because he didn't want his ex knowing that he was seeing someone so soon after their break up. Fair enough. Anyway, after we first met I googled him just to make sure he wasn't married or a murderer or anything like that and saw that his profile pic on fb was of him and his DC. Then once we'd had a date it changed to just one of him. Then after a few weeks, he changed it back to one of him and his DC. So far so insignificant?

But on Saturday night he went out; someone he knew was emigrating and having a party but I gathered from what he told me (volunteered by him, all the facts, nothing hidden) that he was the only guy there. His DC were staying with him that night and a family member was babysitting so although he got home late and drunk, I definitely trust that he got home alone IYSWIM.

Anyway, his fb profile pic has now changed back to just one of him on his own again and it's freaked me out because he changed it from one of him and kids to just him really soon after he first met me, so now I'm like 'has he changed it for the benefit of someone he might have met on Saturday?'. Is that completely mental of me? This is when I start to think I've been reading way too much MN.

I'm seeing a counsellor next week btw.

I think you're overreacting to the Facebook picture changing stuff but, having said that, I don't see why you can't be friends on Facebook as long as you don't have the relationship status up for the ex to see (I can understand why there might be issues there with kids involved, there shouldn't be, but I've been there before). I'm not saying it's shady but it could become a bigger issue for you so perhaps one to broach calmly before it does?

Also how come you didn't go to the party too? Again not saying that's anything to worry about but perhaps anxiety about stuff you can reasonably call into question is being channelled into what is very likely irrelevant photo changing. I change mine all the time!

I think you're probably reading too much into the facebook photo thing. I have a few I alternate between on a whim. I know to a certain extent you have to 'trust your gut feeling' but it sounds like you are looking for things that maybe aren't there and I don't think that's the same.

If you are really worried about the Facebook thing then suggest he just adds you as a friend, there is no need for ex to know about your relationship.

Good idea to see a counsellor, I don't think you are 'completely mental' but I do think you might be over-thinking some things.

nogoodatthis - Calm down you are beeing really clingy.

You have both justv come out of long relationships and have baggage. Why dont you just relax and have fun.

Also if he has an ex with kids then he will be sensitive with this. (I have known ex wife's to cut contact from Ex husband with kids when they found out he was seeing someone else).

Photos on FB peole often change them every week or so, especially if they had done something over the weeking i.e clubbing, 30th brithday, kids party etc and they will be showing off their good time.

Just chill and enjoy.

I didn't go to party because the kids were at his and I haven't met them yet so we would have had to go our separate ways at the end of the night or him crash at mine and leave stupidly early in the morning.

Both rubbish options really.

Although I haven't met any of his friends yet which does bother me. But he's not the most social of creatures so it's not like there have been loads of opportunities. Whenever he does see friends they're all parents too, so they get together with the kids and most of them probably know the ex. I do feel a bit excluded from his 'real life' but what can I do? He has to set the pace of that, I can't insist he involves me can I?

I think I am just massively insecure. I feel like, with everything else that has happened recently, if things didn't work out with this guy I really couldn't cope. I feel on edge all the time and keep bursting into tears at home (in private). I probably never should have got involved with someone without spending some time healing first, but I thought I was just going to have a drink with a nice bloke, I didn't realise I'd end up 4 months down the line feeling the way I do about him.

I'm just scared. Everything has been so shit for so long that I don't know how to deal with things being ok. I'm so used to dealing with enormous life dramas that I keep expecting the next bad thing to happen. I can't believe anything good can ever happen to me. I think I'm the sort of person that bad things happen to. And in a weird way, that state of emergency has kind of become a comfort zone, because it's familiar.

X-posted with a few of you. Thanks for your kind reassurances.

He is going to have his own issues if he's not long split from his ex, it's understandable if he's not rushing to include you in every part of his life, I don't think it's any slight towards you.

I think counselling is a very good idea as you seem to be pinning an awful lot on this relationship and you are going to put unnecessary pressure on it. Hopefully with the help of counselling you can learn to change your comfort zone to a place where life is ok and you aren't on the lookout for shit things to happen.

I think this all sounds fine, at this early stage of your relationship

Stop reading too much MN !

If he is still wanting to hide your existence and/or not introducing you to the kids in a year's time, maybe think again

He really may not be sure how things will go with you yet

Are you 100% you want to share the rest of your life with him ? You shouldn't be right now

Things change where kids are involved...and rightly so. He is right to take it slow.

You should be able to talk to him about it though, and not feel like you are being fobbed off. If that isn't the case....just go careful. He may be Not That Into You.

But far too soon to tell. Just relax and go with the flow for now, unless something else makes you really uncomfortable.

if that happens...talk to him don't shit yourself up by reading threads that are not even all that similar to your situation !