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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH's BFF (long, sorry)

10 replies

HavingAMaybe · 31/01/2011 00:50

My DH?s closest male friend is a twat. He is an arrogant, uptight wanker. He wasn?t always this bad, but as he gets older he becomes more conservative and offensive to me. He is emotionally stunted in the extreme. His better qualities are that he is very intelligent and I do find him funny at times (but its usually at the expense of others if I am honest).

I get along well with his partner, and the four of us socialize a fair bit. My DH and this man have known each other since they were teenagers and DH acknowledges that the friend is becoming more difficult as we all get older.

This friend has offended me on a number of occasions, mainly due to his views on maternity leave, the justice system etc. I now try to avoid getting involved in these conversations. He once completely disparaged MY profession to my face in front of all our friends. He also, as best man at our wedding, made a speech that neglected to mention me at all. It was more a speech you would make at someone?s 21st or something. It was more about my husband and things he has done over the years. Not that I needed it to be all about me, but this is a little odd isn?t it?

He generally is only pleasant to me when he?s been drinking. He avoids me like the plague at work , literally pretending he hasn?t seen me(we both work for the same large organization and our paths cross once in a while).

Phew, this is getting long. Sorry and well done if you have read this far.

I don?t want to get in the way of DH?s friendship with this man. DH can decide for himself when he?s had enough. My question is, can anyone suggest ways in which I can avoid getting wound up by this guy?

Also, what do you make of his behavior towards me? I feel like he loathes me, but I honestly don?t know why.

OP posts:
HavingAMaybe · 31/01/2011 00:54

Hmm...all my apsotrophes had turned into question marks. Confused

OP posts:
WimpleOfTheBallet · 31/01/2011 06:17

God I don't think your DH should still be hanging with someone like that! I am not oe of those ontrollng people and believe srongly that partners ned theit own fiends and a seperate life as well as a shared one....but this is too much.

What does DH saay abut his mate? Does he defed him?

HavingAMaybe · 31/01/2011 06:26

Hi Wimple. Thanks for your reply.
We have discussed this 'friend' at length. DH definitely does not defend him. Its just my DH is better at letting it go than I am.

The two of them have a long history, they were mates looong before I came on the scene. They used to be in a band together and still enjoy playing together.

I think DH will eventually put some distance between them, but he is waaay more tolerant than me.

Confrontation is not an option either, the friend is extremely awkward about anything to do with emotion.

OP posts:
HavingAMaybe · 01/02/2011 06:29

Shameless bump.

Anyone?

OP posts:
nje3006 · 01/02/2011 08:02

Whatever his reasoning (he's jealous of your relationship with dh, he secretly has a thing for you etc), sounds like you need to find a way to let some of this go. If he's offensive towards you, call him on it. If his views are offensive to you, tell him. Keep a smile on your face and be gently chiding, maybe even a little bit mocking. Have you spoken to his partner about it? What does he/she say? Does the partner see the same things you do or do they have a different take?

The other thing to do is just not to socialise with him, if dh wants to see him, they can see each other alone.

prettywhiteguitar · 01/02/2011 09:49

humm I would second just not socialising with him, we have recently had a few incidents with my dp's brother, totally different types of behaviuor but I asked if he couldn't talk to him about it and try to get him to understand why we are upset, then we stop meeting so often.

he will get the picture and you don't have to make a scene.

AnyFucker · 01/02/2011 10:12

well, I wouldn't try to stop DH seeing him

but I wouldn't join in with it, if he is such a twat

it seems he is jealous of you, or possibly secretly fancies you ? Was he ever in the frame for a relationship with you and your husband got there first ? Just a thought...

if you are good friends with his partner, see her separately, and I would tell her why, tbh

if that friendship is not that close, just let DH socialise with this plonker on his own

prettywhiteguitar · 01/02/2011 10:34

yeah sorry thats what I meant

let them socialise together, seems that they have the oportunity to do that anyway playing music together

HavingAMaybe · 01/02/2011 19:16

Thanks all.

AnyFucker, no there was never a possibility of a relationship between us. I'm not his type at all. Plus my DH thinks that maybe he finds me a bit intimidating because I can be outspoken. This friend really seems to enjoy shooting me down.

On reflection I suspect it may be more of a jealousy thing.

PWG, yes the music thing is what really keeps DH in a friendship with this guy.

His partner and I are friends because the guys are friends. I don;t know if we would be if it wasn't for that. Sometimes I get a sense that she is a bit lonely and that he dominates her a little. Not in a full on, abusive way. But who knows? You can't really judge a relationship from the outside.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/02/2011 19:40

aww, it sounds like his partner might benefit from support then Sad

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