Not friends with Dp

[Ambaraba]

Sorry bit long and whingy!
We've been together for 8 years and have 2 ds but I don't feel close to him. I feel very alone, he doesn't show any interest in me and is quite negative in general. I have felt like this for years but have always assumed that it's because I have low self esteem and my bad moods are making him grumpy. After all why should he be nice to me when I am not nice to him?
He's a nice person (to other people!) and a good dad, I feel like I don't have any good reasons for leaving him. I have tried to be happier and nicer to him but I always end up putting pressure on him because I dont feel like he's making enough effort in our relationship.

I have thought a lot about leaving him, in fact it's all I seem to think about these days but I don't seem to be able to make a decision one way or another.
Then there is the children to think of, we don't argue as such but I think that my oldest ds picks up on the bad atmospheres and I'm not a very attentive mummy a lot of the time. My eldest would be devasated if we left he's really close to his dad.
I'm not sure if I would be happier on my own, I'm a bit of a wimp
Counselling is too expensive unfortunately.
Do you think it's me or the relationship that is making me feel down? and what can I do about it?

Do you feel that if you make more effort it's not matched by him?
Think you need to say a bit more about your relationship.

Have you actually told your DP tha t you want to leave? Does he realise how unhappy you are?

Lots of people don't start working on their relationships, until they realise they might lose them.

I think I stopped making a lot of effort a long time ago because I felt it was all one sided.
I have told him I want to leave but he doesn't change, just gets worse!
He isn't much of talker and is a bit of a cold fish so often when I try to talk to him about how I am feeling he doesn't get it and says I am going on about things.

OK your DC's don't have to stop seeing their dad if you leave. Meanwhile, they are learning about how to conduct adult relationships from you two and you two are teaching them to expect to be unhappy.

Is counselling really too expensive? More expensive than a divorce? Is your marriage not worth investing in?

TBH it sounds like both of you have de-coupled - you're only together out of habit and if one of you meets someone else, you'll be out of there.

Isn't it better to make a pro-active decision about this?

YOu don't have to be unhappy for the rest of your life you know.

Money is realy tight at the moment so counselling + a babysitter is going to be too much.
We're not actually married so at least I wouldn't have to go through all that.

We get on ok on a superficial level, day to day stuff. Most of the time I don't bother trying to talk to him about anything else because I don't get much of an answer and never any enthusiasm or support.
He thinks I am unhappy because of my problems ie having low self esteem, It wouldn't occur to him that he might be doing anything wrong.

I just have this niggling doubt that maybe we'd be happy if I wasn't so miserable and needy. Also I know things are bad now but I'm not sure if I can provide a happier environment for my children on my own!
Got to go now cos Dp's sleeping on the sofa and I'm keeping him up!

you have to speak to your GP, you do sound very low

I don't think my Gp would be able to help, I don't have enough symptoms of depression to get any counselling or medication.
It's not so much that I'm low it's more the fact that I don't seem to be able to make a decision one way or the other! it's taking over my life.

I'm afraid AD's won't help if it is the relationship that is causing you to feel depressed.

You don't need medication. You need to find out what you want from your life and from your relationship.

You can't medicate away an unhappy relationship.

sorry I wasn't thinking about AD
just counselling referral maybe if could happen soon, to talk things thru, gather strength and do what she needs to do next.
But surely MN can do that instead

Why is he sleeping on the sofa?

How can you possibly feel anything else other than low and miserable if your P is sleeping on the sofa?

You don't need ADs, you need either to talk and sort this out or to split.

He's been on the sofa for a while, he doesn't get that I need to feel emotional close to him before anything happens in the bedroom. It's not that I even need to talk about feelings and such that much I just want to feel like he's on the same wave length as me and he cares and is interested in me. Sadly I'm quite happy not to sleep in bed with him!

When I try to talk to him he has the attitude that it is me who has to change and he'll change when I do. I need more from him and although I am a bit whingy I don't think I am being unreasonable in what I ask him, a conversation once in a while would be nice.

I think when it comes down to it I have been avoiding making a decision because it's going to be so hard on the dc's and it feels like I don't have a good enough reason to break up my family. After all he's quite good in lots of ways and I sort of love him but we just don't get on. Which I think we can do nothing about.

I bet he'll be a right git if we break up as well!

Sorry love, but it sounds to me like he's checked out of the relationship already.

Children suffer even when you are not shouting at each other.

Seeing your P on the sofa will cause them long term stress and anxiety. You being separate but individually happy is far more healthy for them.

Perhaps some time apart, for you to work out if you have anything to miss?