Anyone with any advice on getting my marriage back

[Tiredtrout]

I have been lurking for a while and feel like now is the time I need advice on how to fix stuff. I have been with my dh for the past 12 years. I already had a dd when we met and he was good with her. I fell pg and left my career to be with him as we were opposite ends of the country. My pil do not approve of me. We got married and had a ds. I then found out when we had moved again a plane ride away from my family that everything I had been told by him till that point was a lie. I was upset but we went to counselling and got threw it. Dh still tells me lies and it still hurts me. Last year dh was accused of gross misconduct at work (falling out with his employers is an annual occurence). He got his union rep to call me when I was getting ready for a night shift as I was not being supportive enough. I found out from him what dh was accused off then told the rep how to get dh off it at the tribunal. Complicated I know! At the time I told dh I couldn't afford to support him and the kids and that if he lost his job he would have to leave. In august it was our tenth anniversary he knew this meant alot to me. He refused to mark it he told me that he wanted to hurt me so I left the house for the night. When I got back he admitted that he was trying to wind me up so I would hit him. He knows I would lose my job for that. I managed to put that behind me but just before christmas my dh got flu and ended up in icu. Dh was not supportive at all. I can't see how to move past this. I know that on paper my marriage looks like a soap storyline and in some ways ridiculous but when it is good it is good but I can't see past the hurt this time. Sorry for the long post xx

are you sure you want it back? I mean really? it is difficult to contemplate changing from being married to not being and sometimes it is easier to stay with what you know.

We do love each other, I'm just so hurt by his behaviour at the hospital that I don't know how to move past it. Our dd is on the mend and home now so the pressure is easing off. I've just put so much behind me with what's happened in the past this is just a step too far to just shrug off.

no tired, this is not a good marriage. I know you have burnt a lot of bridges to marry him but imo this marriage is not viable. the hurt you feel now will only increase until you are a gibbering wreck. imo. i'm sorry this isn't what you want to hear. i'm sorry you've been through so much with your dd but glad to hear she's on the mend.
ps have a look at the womens aid website.

Womens aid is not really an option, much as they are brilliant for alot of people if there is abuse in our relationship it is more in the style of coercive control than of actual violence. I wouldn't need to be in a refuge as there are no signals for harassment or any othr risk indicators. It's just that he has let me down so much. I really want this to work. I've already started again once before and this time I have less than then. The kids are happy, they dote on him, I need advice on how to move things forward.

And when I said dh was in icu I meant dd. Poxy iPhone xx

Sorry, tired, I think you would be better off alone than with this man. You deserve better. You really do.

Look at your marriage, really examine it and without the rose tinted glasses on here; what have you really got here?.

When has it really ever been good?. It does not sounds like its been at all good now for a long time.

You write you want this to work. It has to be a two way process and your H does not seem at all interested. You cannot make it work on your own. You also don't write what you personally feel about him either, its mainly what the children are feeling or perhaps what you are presuming them to feel. If he is a rubbish husband then he is not being a good father to them either; he is treating their Mum with complete contempt.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Would you want your DD to have a relationship like yours as an adult?. No?. Well you're teaching her that all this nonsense is acceptable to you. I do not also think that if you remained with him your children will thank you for doing so. They could well call you stupid for staying.

You write that the children are happy; they probably are on the surface but equally they are seeing all this that transpires between the two of you and they're all learning damaging lessons from you both about relationships.

Coercive control is abusive behaviour, its just as bad as physical violence and as damaging. At the very least I think you need to read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

you don't have to be hit to be the victim of domestic abuse OP! that took me years to find out - and the women I met who had been hit said they would be hit any day rather than be subjected to the mind/heart-bending chaos, misery and fear of what these men can do to your mind and heart. please hve a look at the womens aid site - you will recognise a lot on it! womens aid now call ALL forms of abuse 'violence' as it is either physical or emotional/mental violence that causes harm.

How can it work between you when only one of you is interested in making it work? The short answer is, it can't.

Mind you, I note you say if he lost his job he would have to leave as you couldn't afford to support him, so I do wonder whether it's a wee bit dysfunctional on both sides... Generally if you're committed to someone you don't throw them out when things get difficult, you work on the problem together.

Annie - I know it may appear disfunctional to say if you loose your job you have to leave. I work shifts and earn too much to claim benefits but he has bad spending habits where he will often spend money that isn't there causing us terrible financial problems. My pay will only go so far. The other issue with his work is that he has done this at every employers he's ever had. He worked at the same employers as me for a while in a role where he could check who I had worked with and what I had dealt with for my shift. He started putting in complaints if I dealt with anything he said was inappropriate. I was glad when he left as I was getting taken into the office by my supervisers about it. I know how difficult he can be to work with. When he is being loving he is amazing but I haven't seen it for a while and I would like that back. He's used to a very quiet house where his mum wasn't allowed to voice her displeasure about anything he always appeared to be ok with me speaking my mind and when we met I was in the forces so he should be used to me doing mire masculine jobs but he is unhappy in his job and keeps applying to work doing the same job as me but gets turned down. His mother tells him I'm not a proper wife and that I don't look after him properly, that my job isn't suitable for a woman and that I can't cook (but they want to come here every Christmas because his sister won't have them). I'm just quite worn out and if we could stop being so cross then we would be ok. I've pulled away from him because I don't want to him to hurt me any more. I've put weight on but I need to be fit for work and I prefer to be slimmer but every time I try he bri gs me chocolate or can suddenly cook and puts massive portions on my plate. I know he gets scared when I am at work because I've been injured so many times but I love it and I'm good at what I do. It hasn't been a happy home now for about a year and I wish I could have it back. I've written him a letter explaining things hopefully that will help

Tired, he thinks he has you trapped and you know it. Your description of your weight issue is a classic sign of control and one person trying to keep another down and I don't believe you would have included it as an example if you weren't aware of what it showed. Ditto the 'trying to get you to hit him'. You are placing yourself in the 'victim' role and actually you are the strong one.

Yes you can do without him. Yes you should go it alone. So many have left unhappy marriages and made a brilliant go of it alone, and have been so much happier as a result.

I don't have enough experience to give you advice that would help you to leave, but I am sure Woman's Aid could help you.

Are you a psychi nurse tired? If so, this is an emotionally draining job, on top of an emotionally draining partner. You must be so strong.

Don't carry on allowing this situation to continue.

I'm not a psych nurse but I do deal with all sorts on my job which I love. I've got a lot of mates on my shift but this sort of thing I can't talk to any of them about. I'm everyones go to person. If anyone has advice on how to help our relationship I'd really appreciate it. We do love each other and when it's good it's good. We've just had a really bad year xx

have you heard of codependence tired? have a look to see if you recognise any of it. i mention it bcs you say you are everyone's go-to person (you fix everybody else's problems), which is a strong codependent trait. but you won't look, and neither will you look at womens aid, despite many people suggesting it. bcs you want your relationship and won't listen to anything else, won't listen to anybody who says anything you don't want to hear. you are in a classic emotionally abusive/dysfunctional relationship but you don't want to hear it. you sound like an addict with their chosen drug - which in your case seems to be your relationship. sorry to be blunt.

You're in a broken relationship with a broken man and you really should be severing because what you're describing is not a healthy relationship in any way, shape or form.