Re-evaluating a friendship here - what do you think? (sorry long)

[Quattrocento]

I have a friend- let's call her Janice - although that isn't her real name, who I've been relatively close to for the previous four/five years.

During this period, there's been lots of effusive declarations of affection. This seems a bit OTT to me - I'm a staid old thing and my friendship group is quite settled over a long period of time. Still, you have to carry on meeting new people don't you?

Anyhow Janice is fun and we like the same sort of books and giggle together and all was fine. Until I noticed that she tells lies. I don't mean the socially acceptable "Oh I can't do that because I've got something else on" sort of lie, but whoppers. So I started to feel a bit uncomfortable with the whole thing.

Also Janice is broke. Completely and utterly broke. Bank getting her into trouble and threatening legal action sort of broke. She never asked but I bunged her a couple of cheques to sort it out. I mean you would, wouldn't you, if you saw a friend in need and you could afford it?

Which was responded to with fulsome expressions of gratitude and "I'll get the children something nice for Christmas". Of course I told her not to bother, but she then engaged the children in some sort of discussion as to what they wanted, promised to deliver it and then ... didn't.

I've always brought my children up to do as they say they will do, and I don't really want them mixing with a flibberty type who says they'll do something and then doesn't.

Also, I'm finding Janice a bit emotionally draining tbh. She has had three episodes in the time that we've been close of suicide attempts. These have caused a lot of anguish to her, but also to me.

Sort of the last straw came about last weekend, when I was playing in a competition that was quite important (to me) and is the environment in which I met Janice. So I sort of expected a "Good luck" text, as she texts/talks daily, and certainly when the positions were reversed I was rooting for her. But nothing.

So I'd like to distance myself a bit. Today's (fourth) text said "Told X about the last few months and said I don't think I would have made it without you. You really have been my rock. Love you"

And I'm in this confusion of guilt for letting her down, and not being her rock any more, and dislike of this whole imbalance of being the person who gives - emotionally, financially, etc to this friendship

So, tell me what to do.

Hmm

Well you have several choices I think

You tell her how you feel your friendship is one sided and that she neeeds to step up a bit more (But do you really value her as a friend? Or just a charity case?)

Or you distance yourself gradually, dont reply to texts, forget to call back, be unavailable. This is crueller really I suppose but allows some distance for you to re-evaluate your friendship

Sometimes when friends sense the other is cooling they make a huge declaration of how they couldnt live without you. But you are not responsible for her mental state

I'd bin her. I couldn't be arsed with all that.

i;d choose distance

vampire friend - sucks the life out of you but never interested in your problems.

Bin

Afraid I'd distance myself but am always slightly wary of friends who get overly involved in your life.

Thanks for responses

The thing is that when we do get together we have lots of fun, really lots, usually end up fairly squiffy and do lots of different stuff together.

Ouch at the charity case suggestion - that's not how it started or how it goes - I just mentioned it to give the fullest picture. She's unlike any of my other friends tbh and all the more refreshing for that. It's just it takes a lot of time and energy and occasional heartbreak being her friend.

I culled two friends last year.

both good fun, lively, good company but both too needy, both prone to making 3am 'woe is me' phone calls - both big drinkers, both big takers.

I lost a close member of my family and neither of them wanted to know - yet had been there for both of them in their times of need.

I don't miss either of my friends.

Being good fun isn't enough.

Up to you - why not put her on the back burner and see if you miss her - I bet you don't.

i had a similar friend, who initially was nice too me during a difficult time. we too got on well, had loads of fun, laughs and squiffiness.

i noticed increasingly her 'flightyness' and then eventually the humongous lies - the final straw being one she told in front of my face ....

i have slowly and surely distanced myself from her and feel so much better for it. it was a bit of a long process (and a bit difficult as i see her nearly everyday) but we are more acquaintances now than friends, which i am much more comfortable with.

(lie in front of my face was about me by the way)

It's a unanimous result from MN.

Quat 'charity case' wasnt meant harshly- but sometimes we like to feel 'needed' by our friends, and useful. It can easily tip into being used however

The lies would be a deal breaker for me, anyhow

Texting/talking every day would be enough reason on its own to be wary. And all the effusive declarations of affection. Is she like this with everyone? I know someone like this and it's all just code for "love me please". In fact, the more aloof you are with them, the more they tell you how great you are. Victim behaviour. I'd back off but I doubt I would have got close to anyone like this in the first place tbh. I wouldn't have any kind of "conversation" with her about it as it'll go on and on for hours/days

Aye, there's the rub. It was a misjudgement to have got close to her in the first place, but I seem to be here now :(