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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I loathe my DP's best friend (long)

19 replies

JosieRosie · 30/01/2011 12:53

Bit of background: I've never liked him. He's cocky, arrogant, insensitive, a total misogynist. I've felt he's never had much time for me and is very jealous of DP and our relationship. He had said mildly insulting things in the past(always ready with a sexist comment, he probably thinks Andy Gray is some kind of modern day Oscar Wilde ) but a year ago, he made a 'jokey' comment to me which involved the words 'cooking' and 'fucking lazy bitch'. When he saw that DP and I were shocked by this, he promptly left the pub we were in and I haven't seen him since. DP has stayed in touch and sees him every couple of weeks.

DP did back me up at the time and phoned his mate to say that he was bang out of order and owed me an apology. Nothing approaching an apology has ever been forthcoming. For DP's sake, I was prepared to let it go and have asked him a couple of times during the year if he wants to invite his mate around for dinner, he's always said no.

Today, he's due to go out to meet his mate for lunch and has asked me if it's ok to bring him round for dinner. I said yes, if he wants to. DP said 'you never know, he may even call you a lazy bitch again' in the same sort of 'jokey' style his arsehole mate used in the first place. I've blown up at DP who has seen the error of his ways and has apologised profusely. He's hurt my feelings so badly though and will be getting both barrels when he comes home this evening.

I really feel like this mate of his is very bad news for DP and for me and wish that he could have nothing to do with him. The other thing is , he is really DP's only mate - DP is extremely shy and has little confidence in himself so prospects of making some new friends are slim. I feel like a mother who is worried her son has got in with a bad crowd!

What's the best way to handle this? Any advice gratefully received and thank so much for reading this far

OP posts:

coldtits · 30/01/2011 12:55

your husband's friendships are up to your husband to maintain. What you could do is cut your contact with this prick, and let your husband decide what he wants to do on his own.

QuintessentialShadows · 30/01/2011 12:57

I feel for you.
If I were in your shoes, and your dh really brings him home. I am sure I would say something. Like "John, I was really hesitant to you coming to my home, seeing as you have behaved like a total arse towards me, just so you know. I have not mellowed towards you, seeing as you have not seen fit to apologise for your rudeness."

But I can be a rude bitch.

Original poster

JosieRosie · 30/01/2011 13:02

That's really good advice Quintessential - i thought about doing that but was concerned about putting DP in an awkward position. But maybe I need to put myself first here.

coldtits, having no contact with him has worked quite well over the past year! Again, I'm thinking of DP and how I would like him to be able to bring his friend to our home. But then again, it's my effing home too and it's not my fault we're in this situation. Can you tell I have a history of being submissive in relationships? I'm feeling that it's time for a change

OP posts:

Malificence · 30/01/2011 13:07

Your husband's loyalty is to you and no one else.
He wouldn't get through my front door but then again my DH wouldn't have spoken to him ever again had he sworn like that in front of me.
Stop being a doormat, basically.

Original poster

JosieRosie · 30/01/2011 13:42

Thanks ladies. I'm going to tell DP when he gets home tonight that his mate is categorically not welcome in our home until such time as he apologises to me for what he said. That way arsehole has a choice, and I can't be blamed for how the situation turns out.

OP posts:

Maelstrom · 30/01/2011 13:45

Bring him back for dinner? who is cooking? How long ago since the incident?

Original poster

JosieRosie · 30/01/2011 13:48

Maelstrom, a year. I was planning to cook for me and DP later, but certainly not if his mate was coming round in view of his earlier comments about women (specifically me) and cooking. DP would have been given cooking duties if mate had come. I was so angry with DP before he left that I told him under no circumstances was he to bring mate round tonight so not an issue at the moment.

OP posts:

Maelstrom · 30/01/2011 13:52

Did he ever apologised/shown some regret when talking to your DH?

Original poster

JosieRosie · 30/01/2011 13:57

I think he has made some apologietic noises, but in a half-arsed way IYKWIM. DP made it clear to him that he was not the person he should be apologising to. As far as I'm concerned, he knew that I was expecting an apology and has made no attempt to contact me whatsoever. He's even a friend of mine on Facebook FGS so a heartfelt sincere message of apology via Facebook would have been ok with me. He's too pathetic and arrogant to even do that

OP posts:

dittany · 30/01/2011 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

JosieRosie · 30/01/2011 14:10

Dittany, as I said, this guy is DP's only friend so I really don't feel like I can expect him to ditch him totally. They have known each other since childhood. DP did back me up at the time and gave his mate an enormous bollocking for what he said as he bloody should have done.

DP did make a very insensitive remark today for which he in turn will be bollocked by me when he gets home. But I'm determined not to lose sight of the fact that the one who caused all of this trouble is not DP but his mate. So I'm going to be clear that I don't want to catch sight of him ever again until I have had a sincere apology. I don't hold out much hope of that ever happening by the way

OP posts:

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 30/01/2011 15:05

The bright side is, by the sound of things, you don't ever have to see him again. Encourage your DP to make new friends. I know you said he's shy but it's not impossible for him to make new friends and it may help to increase his confidence if he does so.

Original poster

JosieRosie · 30/01/2011 15:16

ChaoticAngel, nothing would make me happier than for DP to make new friends with nice, decent people. I almost want to sign him up to a 'make new friends' website. He is very very shy and never goes out without me unless it's to go to work or to see his current arsehole mate.

Do they do a website like mysinglefriend.com for people who want their shy partners to meet new friends?

OP posts:

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 30/01/2011 15:19

They probably do but is there something he'd like to do, some activity where he can meet others who enjoy the same thing. A night class where they have a break halfway through which would give him chance to talk to others and maybe make some friends that way.

Original poster

JosieRosie · 30/01/2011 15:25

That's a great idea and I have suggested it before, but he's not up for it at all. Short of shoving him out the door I don't know what to do. He has this idea that he's a social freak and is no good with people. When I tell my friends this, they are shocked because according to them, he's very good company and very easy to get along with. I agree but he just has no faith in himself. It's sad but also very frustrating. If he had some nice people to go out with, it would be easier for him to drop arsehole and we would all be a lot happier!

OP posts:

VerintheWhite · 30/01/2011 15:33

Give him enough rope and he will hang himself, so to speak.

Original poster

JosieRosie · 30/01/2011 19:17

Update - I told DP when he came home that I was still extremely angry about the original comment and could do without him making light of it. I told him that his mate is not welcome in our home until I get an apology and then (perhaps unwisely )launched into a rant about what a bastard mate was and how I had been sick of his sexist disrespectful comments for years.

DP is now gutted that I feel this way and is considering ending the friendship. He has already chucked one friend who was a total bastard to me (about money, no sexism, but was also jealous of me and DP) in the very early days of our relationship. Says he cant face doing it again,but I'm not asking him to do that. I feel this is all being turned round on me and DP just needs to take responsibility for what he's going to do without making me feel shit. Any handholding gratefully received

OP posts:

Mirabelle77 · 30/01/2011 19:55

I started a thread earlier about my dhs friend , not really similar situation as this man hasn't been unpleasant to me, however I do sympathise with the not liking friend bit.

Is it possible for you to make new female friend and invite them and their partners to your home or all meet up etc . Could he take up a hobbie or a team sport that would lead to male friendship?

Original poster

JosieRosie · 30/01/2011 20:14

Thanks Mirabelle. I have been down this road with him already. I met someone through work recently who plays with a brass band, she said they are always looking for new players. DP plays trombone and I mentioned this to him. He wasn't at all up for it - said that he would need a car to transport the trombone around when they play different competitions etc but deep down I know that the real reason is he would struggle in a situation where he has to get to know new people.

It's for him and for me. I have three wonderful friends who I can turn to anytime and who I see often socially. I feel that DP only has me and frankly, it's a lot of pressure!

OP posts:

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