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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

am i overreacting here?

19 replies

napoleona · 30/01/2011 10:18

trying to keep it brief here: i have booked a weekend away, luxury hotel, for dh and i. i was given the money as a present and i thought as we are really having tough time at the moment in our relationship it would be good to have some time to ourslves (have arranged dc's to be looked after by my family when we go). but last night dh was in a mood, wouldnt say why, just made the atmosphere really crap, eventually he says he does have an issue firstly, i had got a film out from dvd shop that was to be fair a bit crap but i picked it as it was a new one and thought he and ds might like it (guns, car chases etc) and he moaned that he had had to 'suffer' watching it, then secondly he was cross wth me for putting on fb that i had picked up a dress in oxfam which i thought was a bargain, nice designer dress, not some crappy old rag. he thinks i am bringing shame on him as people 'will think i have to buy our clothes in charity shops' which we dont, i just chose to sometimes get my stuff in there. i was just chuffed with my bargain and i know lots of my friends would agree. i just want to cancel the weekend away now as why would i want to spend £400 being miserable in a hotel room, we may as well just be at home. obviously we have ongoing issues, we have def lost the spark and i was attempting to relight it but now i just think im dreaming as the weekend away will not be the fairytale that i want it to be. if i cancel the hotel i will lose the money but i just cant see the point now. im fed up of him. i care about him a lot and he did apologise this morning, and said it was cos he was brought upin second hand clothes that he doesnt like it. and now i feel bad that he feels bad. i just feel we are getting nowhere, i try try try to make things better between us. what would other people do?

OP posts:

TryLikingClarity · 30/01/2011 10:39

I wouldn't cancel the booking just yet.

When is it you're planning to go away? If it's a few months or weeks away then you'll have time to think about it first.

Does he want to go away with you to this hotel?

The fact that he was annoyed about you getting an Oxfam dress may have just been a spur of the moment annoyance, it might be nothing major.

Do you and he take time to talk much? You said that you try lots to make things better, does he do the same, or is he always in a bad mood?

madonnawhore · 30/01/2011 10:41

He sounds like a controlling, sulky twat. Go to the hotel on your own.

Original poster

napoleona · 30/01/2011 10:43

thanks for replying TLC. its next weekend!
he does want to go, well he did when i booked it but yes he is usually in bad mood.
i have been to relate on my own, he refuses to go point blank. we have been on the brink of splitting up so many times over the last 2 years. i can just see us arguing in a posh hotel and cant see what is the point?

OP posts:

Original poster

napoleona · 30/01/2011 10:44

mad, thanks for reply too. sometimes i think this.

OP posts:

clevercloggs · 30/01/2011 10:49

go on your own and pamper yourself

Original poster

napoleona · 30/01/2011 10:55

yes, i think i am more upset about the weekend being ruined, or not living up to the hopeful fantasy that i had! i dont really care what he or anyone thinks if i buy my clothes in oxfam!

OP posts:

Plumm · 30/01/2011 10:58

Go to the hotel alone and wear your bargain Oxfam dress.

McHobbes · 30/01/2011 10:58

Well the reality is never going to live up to the fantasy whatever goes before. You will still be you and he will still be him, wherever you are.

I wouldn't cancel a luxury treat over a couple of petty rows. He sounds grumpy and negative and you sound a bit over sensitive....so he moaned about the film? Miserable git - but don't let it bother you.

Don't cancel.

jumpingcastles · 30/01/2011 11:03

i think this is too petty too.

everyone has bad moods - dont you?

(unless of course this is a daily thing)

madonnawhore · 30/01/2011 11:06

If you've been having relate counselling for two years and he's refusing to go, I think that sends out massive signals about how much he values the relationship tbh.

Nevermind about meeting you half way, it sounds like he totally can't be bothered at all and is happy to do nothing but moan and be negative while you bend over backwards to try and make the relationship better.

Am quite angry on your behalf that he can be so horrid and hateful despite your very generous gesture of spending YOUR gifted money on a swanky hotel for both of you. The ungrateful twat.

If I were you I would stop bothering with all of it. Go tot he hotel on your own and tell him you'd like him gone by the time you come back.

catwalker · 30/01/2011 11:10

Not suggesting you should cancel, but are you sure you would lose money if you did? Most hotels accept bookings by taking a credit card number and allow you to cancel up to the day before. They have your cc number so, if you don't turn up at all and don't let them know the day before they can bill you.

Original poster

napoleona · 30/01/2011 12:21

thanks for replies, i have checked with hotel and will lose 50% of the cost, which they took as a deposit. also if it gets to 48 hours before and i cancel then i will lose all the money. going on my own doesnt really interest me, its a sort of romantic room with a 2 person jacuzzi, think it would depress me tbh. obviously this is just part of the issue, i havent gone into all details but i do feel like we are at breaking point and thats partly why i booked it, and bought nice undies etc!! i really cant be arsed anymore. thanks for listening, i will see if i can talk to dh today if not i will just cancel. its a shame, and i am prob throwing my dummy out the pram now but its exhausting.

OP posts:

Bertina · 30/01/2011 12:28

I think your dh doesn't sound like a very nice man at all.

I would go on my own, or take the dcs and levve the dh behind. But if you don't want to do that, then cancelling it and losing 50% of the money is really the only option.

I wouldn't want to reward a man behaving like a twat. I wonder if he has an issue with you paying for the break?

KatieScarlett2833 · 30/01/2011 12:34

Tell your DH that shopping in charity shops is a very good thing and even people with plenty of cash love a bargain

Go to hotel and enjoy yourself, DH can please himself regarding his attendance and behaviour.

FreudianSlippery · 30/01/2011 12:35

OMG. Complaining about a bad film choice, and complaining that you've embarrassed him by admitting to using charity shops? He needs to grow the fuck up!

Definitely go yourself and tell him to come if he wants to, and can promise to not whinge the whole time...

MommyMayhem · 30/01/2011 12:40

Do you have a [female] friend that you could enjoy a fun, boozy weekend away with?

Original poster

napoleona · 30/01/2011 15:20

i havent told him yet that im thinking of cancelling the weekend, will wait til later when kids are in bed. im still not sure. i dont really have a friend i could take, and my sister is babysitting for me! but i could probably find someone i guess..the hotel doesnt take kids either.today, about 85% of me thinks our relationship is over. im so tired of him grumping about, moaning every saturday that i took the wrong film out, even tho he could go himself!, and i cant believe he thinks its ok to do this when we have a fantastic weekend to look forward to. i have a hideous hosp appointment the week after too so this would have been great to relax prior to that. he would never think to do something like this for me in a million years. balls. but thanks for messages.

OP posts:

refmum · 30/01/2011 15:50

Take your sister,get him to look after the kids,sorted! x

susiedaisy · 30/01/2011 18:11

speak to him when kids are in bed ask him if HE wants to cancel the hotel so that he knows how much deposit will be lost, if you just go ahead and cancel he will blame it on you, see how the weekend pans out and go from there, TBH going with someone else is all well and good as long as it isn't going to cause a huge row, maybe i am not very strong willed but i couldn't enjoy myself whooping it up with sister/friend if i knew i was going to come home to massive sulks and rows just not worth the bother,

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