Why can't I be happy?

[whysogrumpy]

I want to have some outside opinions because I feel the way I behave towards my dh, and to a lesser extent my dc, is unfair and not really normal. The problem is trivial compared to so many on here but is making me, and probably my family, miserable.

I seem to be so angry and find it so difficult to appreciate the good things I have and the aspects of my life which I am so fortunate to have. I work full-time in a stressful job, have two pre-school dc who dh cares for fulltime. I constantly feel that I don't have enough time with the dc, yet when Saturday comes I invariably spend at least until lunchtime seething with resentemnt and frustration, and I don't really know for what reason.

I hate what I do, yet nearly every week I stomp around swearing under my breath about the state of the house, cleaning stuff that probably isn't urgent and then resenting the fact that I am doing it, if that makes sense.

Dh does a great job as a house-husband yet I feel rage, and I mean rage, about all kinds of trivial stuff he has or hasn't done come the weekend.

To make matters worse he has an incurable disease which flares up and then goes dormant. He has had this for 7 years and, so far, has been very lucky and is still in good health. Two weeks ago it flared up again and throughout the attack I realised how good our life really is and how I should appreciate it and him more. Yet now he is back to normal, so am I and have spent today feeling like crying, shouting and/or breaking stuff. I have only done a little of the former but I am so ashamed of myself. I just feel boiling with anger inside, but why? Why can't I be happy, it could be tomorrow that his health takes an irritreivable step for the worse, yet I seem incapable of being happy with what we have now.

I have very little time to myself and my youngest child still wakes to bf in the night. Dh offers to help but I am scared of letting him get too tired, even when he is well, incase it triggers an attack. Could I just be stressed? I am just scared I am wasting the last few good years dh may have by moaning and fretting over nonsense.

Sorry it is so long and waffly, don't know what is wrong with me really!

I can understand why you are angry - you are exhausted, there is no time in your life for you and whatever you do, it's never enough. :(

I think you are stressed and what you should do is work out how you can get at least two hours a week to yourself with no interruption - for a start. Perhaps an exercise class. Just as long as it's away from your family and doesn't involve work or doing anything for anyone but you - go sit in a coffee shop and eat cakes and read a newspaper, just do it. You need a life too. :)

Incidentally, once you start to claw back a little time for you, things do seem brighter.

It's not trivial.

You do sound stressed, but I think you mostly sound scared. The impression I've come away with is that you're constantly anticipating dh health declining and the prospect of this is quite frightening. I suppose once it happens the burden of everything will be on you.

Illness, like this, is very unfair. I can understand why you would be angry. Add to that a stressful job, responsibility for keeping the family afloat and still being a bf mum, I'm not at all surprised you're ready to pop.

It might be worth finding someone to talk to. Counselling of some kind, simply to help you get your head around all the crap you're having to deal with. If you can put labels on what you are feeling, it might be easier to deal with.

I also think it's totally understandable how angry you're feeling, sounds like you're under a huge amount of pressure. And it sounds like you're doing your very best to do the right thing by everybody... and are almost cross with yourself for getting cross!

I second the advice to seek some sort of counselling. I think, in a situation like yours where maybe there's not much scope to change the practical aspects of what get you down, it can be really helpful to reflect on the emotional aspect, just sort of allow yourself to examine and sit with your darkest feelings and fears. Sometimes this can be enough to release their hold on you and minimise their power to block out all the light. That's how it's worked for me, anyway. Just sort of got me to a point where I can be a bit more serene about all I have on my plate. (most of the time )

Your anger is probably an indication of unmet needs, either now or in the past or both. I think it can be hugely empowering to give yourself the space to explore that, in a loving way.

Meanwhile, give yourself a break! You're under a lot of pressure and everybody would struggle in your situation. Our feelings are always valid, if sometimes misplaced. Anger seems to be how your struggling manifests itself at the moment, but it sounds like you're very aware of it and take responsibility for managing it as best you can.

OP, have you spoke to your DH and explained that your frustration isn't necessarily directed at him? You really should tell him what you're telling us, so he understands.

Thank you for your replies, it's a relief that people don't just think I'm being a cow!

I do think it would be good to talk things through with someone as I never really do that. Close friends don't live nearby and when people ask how things are I don't want to moan. I get on well with people at work and, tbh, once I'm there I feel better anyway so I always downplay worries about dh's health when they ask. I suppose that's one thing I feel guilty about - I enjoy my job despite its stressful nature and sometimes feel more fulfilled there than I do at home. I suppose that's why Saturday mornings are such a flash point for me. I'm a teacher and there's nothing like a roomful of teenagers to wrench your head out of your arse, if you will, but a morning at home gives me space to dwell - I guess that's what happens.

Dh has noticed how I am, obviously, but I suppose we avoid talking in detail about things like his illness when he is well, which is most of the time. He is good at making fun of me, in a nice way and that can be enough, but if I'm really low he'll point out that I was like this before our current situation developed, which is true.

Hmm, counselling is looking like an option but does it cost a bomb?

I agree with Adriane, when I am at my most angry is when I am at my most scared.

it sounds like you're coping with an awful lot of uncertainty and feeling like there's a sword hanging over your head must be awful.

I definitely don't think you're a cow, you just need some real life support.

You may be able to get a few free sessions from your GP, although there's usually a long waiting list. Worth exploring.

Meanwhile I believe you have to accept that your feelings are legitimate; that is, of course you shouldn't go round snapping at people and of course you do have a lot to be thankful for, but you also have a lot on your plate and you can't help feeling angry and frustrated sometimes. What you don't need is a burden of guilt to add on top of it. You're not a bad person, you're just a person.

Agree with above posters, especially chocolate you need time for yourself. Life sounds like really hard work at the moment and your feelings are legitimate and trying to tell you something. Give yourself time to listen to what your body/mind is saying. Like Annie said, you are just a person! With a lot on your plate.
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