Pregnant and devestated!!! :(

[upsydaisy1974]

I really need some perspective here ladies.

To cut a very long story short I met my partner 2 years after my marriage ended. I have two boys 6 and 3yrs from my ex. We are getting married in July and are planning to move in together around May. I plan to sell my house and buy a small rental property.

Well I have just discovered that I am 7 weeks pregnant and I am absolutely horrified by my feelings about it. I have been exhausted for sometime, two young children, dealing with a nightmare ex husband and his his issues. New job which is very demanding. Sleepless nights etc, all that goes with being a parent!!

I just don't feel I have anything more to give anyone right now and the thought of being pregnant is just sending me into a frrenzy. I can't sleep, eat or focus on anything right now.

My partner is being very supportive and trying his best to understand my feelings. I do want a family with him but I just can't even consider it until we are married, living together, the boys settled, I've been in my job long enough to get maternity pay and that not until I can physically cope with pregnancy.

I am so worried that continuing with this pregnancy is going to make me resent him and my life in the long run and he wants this baby. Despite what he says, however about not continuing, he will resent me.

Where on earth do I go from here?

upsy could you get away overnight or even a weekend to try and clear your thoughts. Could your new partner look after the kids for you?

At the minute there is so much going on that you cant think straight.

Having a baby is a major event, as Im sure you know but remember that it is your body, your decision and you, ultimately, who will bear responsibility. It is ok to consider your feelings first in this.

x
deb

You say you want a family with your dp but dont feel this is the right time?. Ask yourself how you would feel if ended the pregnancy and then further down the line you couldnt concieve(can happen).Would you be devastated then?(would your dp feel deprived of a child of his own?).
Bbaies often happen at the most inconvenient time but thats life.Only you can ultimately make the choice.

Yes it is a major event and I've already shattered the dreams he had about having a baby. My behaviour the last 3 days hasn't made this a joyous occasion. In fact like me he is in hell!

I feel so torn. He wants this child and doesn't believe that we have the right to terminate. Neither do I really and it would go completely against what I believe is the right thing. I totally understand the circumstances of some women who feel they cannot continue with a pregnancy and I believe that a women has the right to choose.

However it isn't that simple for me. My partner is the most kind considerate man whom my boys absolutely adore, Their lives are so enriched with him in it. So too is mine. If I didn't continue with this pregnancy and our relationship was destroyed as a result, mine and my children's lives would once again be devestated. Another failed relationship would undoubtedly cause the boys immense harm.

The world is our oyster with him. Life is good and complete. I don't want to jeopardise that. Equally though if I continued with the pregnancy I honestly don't know how I would feel about the baby or him in the future.

I am getting married in July and up until 3 days ago my life was a very happy place to be. Excitement, planning our future, house moves. Me selling and moving, buying a property. Renovating his house. Now I can't face ay of it. I can't even get myself out of bed this morning. God only knows what my boys are doing downstairs. Raiding the goody cupboards and watching crap telly no doubt.

I didn't think ever at 37 I would feel like Ido!

You need to make the decision based on what is happening to you now. What is best for you, for your partner and the children you have already. Basing it on what ifs and an imaginary future is not the way forward.

I think you need to talk to somebody who can offer objective and informed advice. The BPAS is very good indeed. Do you have a local one? Your local family planning clinic will also offer or refer you to somewhere that can help you.

Take a few deep breaths, give yourself permission to take a few days to talk about this.

Hi Pink

Yes you're right. My dp and I have spoken about the what if it doesn't happen again and it is something that concerns me as I am 37 now.

I have had two incredibly difficult pregnancies, miscarriages, illnesses following birth, PND and anxiety needing prozac for a time. And those things all occured when I was in a good place, physically, settled with a positive outlook on what was to come. What on earth can I expect this time when I feel exhausted, despondent before it has all really begun?

I have a scan booked at the early pregnancy unit on Monday morning due to previous problems I have had with my pregnancies. I am also suffering cramps and spotting, which I'm sure is not helped by the stress. I have already told someone how I feel there.
Part of me hopes that on Monday the scan shows that the pregnancy has failed and the decision is taken out of my hands.

upsy your doctor can give you support and advice. As you said before you were in a good place in your previous pregnancies but still felt horrible this might be a time to go to a doctor and explain your concerns. I know someone that took anti-depressants during pregnancy and everything was fine.

It is not suprising that you are dreading being pregnant when you have suffered the way you did during your last pregnancies but this one could be different.

Upsy mind yourself. You are the most important in all this and if your relationship is as good as you say then you will be able to work through this together.

It sounds to me like you are fairly certain of keeping it, what with your feelings about termination and also feelings about age.
In which case, you need to find a way of adjusting and getting perspective on what has happened. Find a way of seeing this as a positive thing for your family.

I think going to the doctor is a good idea...and talking to the midwives? i know they will not be seeing you yet but I am sure you could ring them for advice with this.

Hello again, It's not that I am certain about keeping it. More like I am terrified of the consequences of not keeping it and ruining all our lives.

I have done so much soul searching the last few days and as the days go on I am no clearer in my mind.

I have certainly found a new respect for women who have to make the painful decision to abort a pregnancy on a number of grounds. It is a lonely scarey decision to make and takes great courage.

sometimes the things that arent planned happen for a reason ifswim. This is a frightening time for you, not doubt about it, but you are in a good place if you look at it from a different angle. You have 2 wonderful children, a partner who obviously adores you and is supportive, there is help out there.

your doing very well as it is, honestly. You are able to identify your feelings and try to work through them

x
deb

I was so certain of our future at the New Year, now I just can't see my future.

The guilt about how I feel is overwhelming and I look at my two lovely boys (well not so lovely at the moment!! Thrown them both in bath to play and they are causing carnage!) Wish I had someone to look after them for a few hours.

you will go through a myriad of feelings. is there no one who could look after the boys for you for a few hours even?

counsellors can help with this upsy, dont be afraid to ask. you need to make an appointment asap. write down all your fears/negatives and then write down all the positives, you might surprise yourself.

x
deb

Upsy,
I just wanted to share my feelings at the moment. I'm 7 weeks pregnant. This was planned after a pretty big age gap from my last child. It's been many years of it not being the right time for 100 reasons to ttc. At the same time we just always felt family wasn't complete. So here I find myself pregnant the first attempt at 39, lovely DH who is so excited and I am filled with horror and thinking 'shit, what have we done'. The lack of excitement and horror makes me so guilty. Wanted to post on the Pregnancy thread September Baby Bus but have been in denial.....

Maybe what I'm trying to share and what i'm trying to tell myself is that there's never a right time for having a baby, it's always going to mean compromise and change is often very frightening. There are many women who aren't over the moon about being pregnant for one reason and another, maybe even a year or two ( which isn't that far off) you would still feel like this and who's to say the timing would be better?

Not sure I've helped at all but you're not alone in feeling freaked out. Sometimes life throws these things at us for a reason.... ?

All the best.

Hi, I had 2 boys at the time 3 & 18 months and the day I went to the GP for the pill (after soending time thinking about what I wanted contraception wise) I found out Iwas pregnant. I have had a termination in the past and it comes with it's own set of problems, I had viewed it as "not being pregnant anymore". Anyway, I battled through and I cannot even describe how happy I am with my three boys now. They are so caring towards their little baby brother, it's exhausting but it was the same after every one. In the next year or so both your DSs will be at school. Take any help offered to you x

Thank you for all your support. I am interested Secret when you say your termination came with it's own set of problems. It must have been an extremely difficult decision to make.

I adore my boys and the last couple of nights I have sat on their beds watching them sleep so beautiful and perfect trying to equate my feelings to this pregnancy and I just can't.

My family have been great since my divorce. My mother has suffered more than me really with the break up of my marriage. She viewed her son in law as a son and we were all such a close knit family for 16 years (length of time we were together) until he walked out leaving a 3 yr old and baby. He was having an affair. I just don't feel I can put this on her at the moment.

This isn't just about the right time, it's about how I feel about it all, emotionally and pyhsically. I am dreading Monday!

My wonderful boys are dusting and hoovering, helping mummy as they can see I don't look well. Partner is working today so feel very alone.

Upsy, not sure what more advise I can offer, am sure others will come along, but have been thinking about you (without seeming like a stalker ) and wondered how you are? I do hope you are holding up this weekend although I'm sure you are not getting much sleep. Just wanted you to know someone is thinking about you and your situation.

.

Thank you for thinking of me. I am holding up but it is not easy though. I have my family coming today so I have got to put a smile on my face and try to put this to one side until they have gone home.

I am going to hospital tomorrow morning to the early pregnancy unit for a scan as am having pain and some spotting. I can't help but hope that the decision has been taken out of my hands so to speak, as wrong as that is it is how I feel. I'm sure whatever the outcome tomorrow a set of its own problems will arise. However if it isn't viable I know I will feel an overwhelming sense of relief.

I never thought I would be in this position feeling like this at 37!!

Hi Upsy, I'm a twin. My Mum had a 12month old baby, then 3 weeks before she had my broth, found out he was twins. They gave Mum an XRay (yup, they did in the 1960's - I'm THAT old), & told her that she had 1 healthy baby + another tiny one (me - they don't say that about me now!!)They told her that she might have decisions to make at the birth. Anyway, we were born, my twin a big 7 1/2lb boy & me 3lbs. She didn't even get a cuddle - I was whisked off to an incubator for 2 months. The point is, I wasn't planned or wanted - or even expected to live. But here I am, with a wonderful DH & 2 Dch.
Nobody has the right to tell you what to do & you must be feeling how my Mum was feeling 43years ago. Do what you feel to be right for you and the family that you have. Lots of love -x-

Hi Upsy, how are you today, how did the scan go? I hope you are bearing up.

Hope you are ok.