Can we live in two different countries?

[tigerfrog]

Is it possible to live in two completely seperate counties and our relationship to survive? My DH was relocated to a new job 18 months ago in a different country. It was meant to be a job where he was office based so myself and two young DD's relocated with him. Since being here though my DH seems to of spent most of the time away travelling - in one year he was with us for 6 weeks!! That leaves myself and the two DC's alone in a new country. I have made a huge effort to get out there and meet people through working myself, clubs with the children. I have made new friends but I find it difficult to ask people to help, they have their own busy lives! Thus I have the girls the whole time and sort out any problems myself. I am not impressed with where we live, very dirty, far too hot and pretty awful schools!!
So after many discussions - mainly over the phone - we have come to the conclusion that the DD's and I will return home.
Will this work? IS anyone else in this position? How is it going to affect my girls, although they are used to him being away working!
I want to go but feel incredibly guilty that it will be the beginning of the end.

Difficult one. I am an expat too so I know quite a few people who have done or are doing this.

How long is your DH's contract?

How far from UK are you? I.E could he get home at weekends?

I am in Hungary so I know of a few who have done it from here and in fact we will be doing similar from summer but only part time. DH will travel on average 3 days a week.

If further afield it is harder obv as he won't be home at weekends.

I assume the work situation can\t be changed?

If you are not happy and determined to go back it needn't be the beginning of the end but only you really know your DH and your marriage.

I have a friend who has put her DCs in boarding school in UK to stay with her DH as she doesn't trust local women!

I think it depends how far away from the UK you are and how easy it is to get back (not the same thing ).

My father did this when I was in my early teens. It was tight because he wasn't around and missed parents evenings, school concerts etc and my mother seemed very stressed but they're still together! I'd say the relationship between my father and brother never recovered though. Not sure whether it was a boy thing or an age thing. But if your DH is away anyway then it's not like you'd see him that much less.

It was tough even!

6 weeks together out of 52 is very tough . I am another who left England 14 years ago because of my husband's job and the first move was especially hard. I know how hard it is to have to do everything on your own, in a foreign country with language and cultural differences.

I would say it can work living in different countries, especially given the fact that you and your kids see so little of your husband anyway. You will be happier which is a huge factor in any relationship. If you are happier, your children will probably pick up on this too. Where are you now?

Good luck

Did you also post this in 'living overseas'? Many people there will probably understand some of the difficulties you are going through.

I have lived in different countries to DH and will do so again in the future - it's the nature of our jobs. It's not great but, given the little time you spend with him at the moment, probably not worse that what you are currently experiencing.

But - and this is key - you can't do it indefinitely. When we've done it, we've always known when the end point would be (no more than 3 years away). To my mind this is really important because I know that the natural state of affairs is that we live together and that the being apart is a temporary thing. Otherwise, I think it would be really tough.

Travelling times are an issue too - can he make it back for a weekend? And do you share the same weekend? Ironically, the toughest time we had was when we were only 3 hours apart but his weekend was Thurs/ Fri and mine Sat/ Sun so we never saw each other.
Good luck.

Would he not give up his job?

I won't be actually returning to the UK but to Spain where we were previously living. I have more of a support network there and I can work there in a much better job than here!
Unfortunately where ever I go it is a two flight trip which will make it very difficult to see him. It will be mainly school holidays that we will get together. It isn't an option for him to give up his job. He really enjoys it and also sees himself as a provider so he wants to be in a stable job that gives him finacial security.
Thank you for all the advice. I think its a case of trying it and seeing what happens. Its been good to hear that there are other people out there in a similar position.

I am living apart from DH at the moment.

We had lived together overseas previously but due to a complicated pregnancy I returned to the UK with our other DC.

If I am honest it has been easier than I had anticpated but and I think this is significant we have had a very good reason to be apart (the health and wellbeing of our unborn baby) and I will be returning as soon as the baby is born and had the all clear, so there has always been an end in sight.

I am not sure it has been as easy for my DH - we had a very family orientated life whilst we were togther and most of his friends also had families. Whilst he still sees them there has been a subtle shift towards friendships with other single men and I am not sure he enjoys that time as much. He also misses the DC desperately and of course is concerned for me and our unborn baby.

But it's been a means to an end. We have missed each other but had some wonderful holidays together during our time together.

I don't think we could do it as a permenant arrangement but I know plenty of people who do.

It sounds like your DH needs a new job with less travel if your marriage is to survive. It is, of course, a relationship killer to be a trailing spouse in a new country and for your DH to be away all the time. Nonsensical.