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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH makes me feel like a crap mum

135 replies

fairycakesandsprinkles · 28/01/2011 22:17

I have been with DH for 2 years and we have a three month old DS.
I feel really low right now and everything I do seems to be wrong.
For example when DS cries I pick him up straight away to comfort him but DH says I should leave him to cry or I will make him too needy.
I tried breastfeeding but stopped a month ago because I found it so painful but DH says I have given up too easily and need to persist.
Does he have a point?
Am I completely overreacting here?

OP posts:
Jux · 31/01/2011 09:45

You do need to talk to your mum.

At the very least ask her to ask for you when she phones, rather than just talking to dh; she need to talk to you. "I'd like a chat with my daughter please."

monkeyflippers · 01/02/2011 20:25

So he's allowed his friends around to play poker but he doesn't want people to be in the house when he gets home from work, not even your mum?! He is isolating you which is a bad sign honey! You need your mum when you have a new baby!

He also sounds jealous of the baby and how much attention you give him but you have to do that as it's your job, which is sounds like you are doing brilliantly by the way.

He is entitled to his opinion on how things are done with the baby obviously but not to the point where he physically restrains you until you give in and have sex with him. And your baby was crying all this time?!

Also you said that you haven't told us everything yet . . . do you think you are able to?

detachandtrustyourself · 01/02/2011 20:59

This kind of thing happens to people much older than you. We still need our mums, whatever our age. But when you are older it is easier to admit it. Don't feel you have to show you can cope despite your age. You were rushed into marriage and had a baby really quickly. Please don't think you can't tell people what is going on because they cautioned you against rushing or something (I'm guessing, could be way off). If you feel you are able, tell us the other things you haven't told us. I can see why being held by the wrists and not letting you go to your baby doesn't seem like rape to you now, you agreed to start. (or were you pressured into it?) But I think when you look back on it you will see it differently. I look back on physical restraint and pressure much differently to how I saw it at the time. But even putting that aside, even if he has apologised and never does it again,things are not right in your household.

The way he is isolating you from family is very worrying. You are being a good mum.

monkeyflippers · 01/02/2011 21:05

Also you mentioned that you haven't had sex much since the baby was born, that is very normal and happens to every couple. It's impossible to be int he mood for it when you are sleep deprived.

Do you get out much?

maxybrown · 01/02/2011 21:58

fairycakes- we too were together, married and baby in same time period as you!

FWIW we had DS with us all of the time, we loved him being with us and holding him. He still loves being with us now but he is the most confident little thing ever, so so sweet and loving but not needy in that kind fo way.

Your hormones will still be up and down too - but if he is off out to work and you are getting on with it, tell him to take a hike!! I know it's hard and once you get driven down (esp when still emotional as you will be no doubt) but I would have your Mum round - especially if she is not the interfery sort but just wants to quietly help.

maxybrown · 01/02/2011 22:10

Oh god i have just read all of the thread now.

Love is a verb - what he did was tantamount to rape, you did not really want to do it. A loving man would not say that at all IMO. He might roll over and sigh maybe then be over it in a second, but that's normal life with a newborn!

You would not be failing DS if you did leave or anything like that, not at all. You would be protecting him and ensuring his Mum is as happy as possible.

I do hope you are ok

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 01/02/2011 22:37

Had a massive row yesterday. Its falling apart Sad
Met a friend for lunch. I didn't talk to her about DH because I don't think she has ever really liked him but I had a great time and was glad to be out of the house. This was the first time I have been out without DH for a few weeks.
Got home and 6pm (the usual time he gets home) came and went and he didnt call or answer my texts asking where he was and when he would be home.
Finally got in two and a half hours later and it turns out he had been to the pub with work colleagues for someone's leaving do.
Apparently he told me about it weeks ago but I have no recollection of it.
I told him so and this wound him up. He picked up his cup of tea and smashed it at the wall.
That was the end of that and neither of us said another word to each other all night.
I slept on the floor is DS's room because I didn't want to be near him especially when he stunk of alcohol.
So we are no further forward and I don't know where we go from here
I feel like I need to get out of here but I am devastated for DS and feel so stupid - we have only been married a year

OP posts:
Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 01/02/2011 22:46
  • in DS's room that should read.
OP posts:
PerArduaAdNauseum · 01/02/2011 22:49

Did you phone your mother yet? I'm afraid the smashing cup thing sounds like he's following the pattern Sad. Talk to your mother. And keep posting here. You need to build your support network up.

And don't feel stupid - this has happened to a lot of women, intelligent, caring successful women. It's not you - it's him.

perfumedlife · 01/02/2011 22:53

Yes, please confide in your mum Fairycakes, she won't judge you.

He could have answered your texts but chose not to, this is all a game to him. He senses that you are on to him.

Where is he tonight?

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 01/02/2011 22:54

No I haven't spoken to my mum.
I spent nearly all day today in tears so I didn't call her because she would have sensed something was wrong and Im not ready for that yet. I dont want anyones pity.

OP posts:
PerArduaAdNauseum · 01/02/2011 22:57

You're a mother now Fairycakes - in 20 years from now wouldn't you want to be able to help your child in the same circumstances? Don't faff about being pitied - would that worry you if you'd been knocked over by a drunk driver and needed help? This is just as much not your fault...

Buda · 01/02/2011 22:58

Is your mum near you?
Pack some stuff for you and DS and go and stay with your mum if you can and if not a friend.

Your DH's behaviour is WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.

You are very young. There are men out there who will not treat you like that. There are men out there who will put their new born baby first. Lots of us are married to them. Lots of us used to be married to idiots like your DH. Sorry. Being very blunt here.

TheDevilAndTheDeepBlueSea · 01/02/2011 23:01

You poor woman :(

Where is he now? Is there anyone nearby that you could go and stay with tonight, and try and form a plan of action?

I feel for you.

LadyBiscuit · 01/02/2011 23:54

How are you today? That was last night right? Are you okay?

You don't deserve this - you have a lovely new baby and you're being treated like dog shit on his shoe. Please talk to your mum and get out of there.

0808 2000 247 is the number for Womens Aid. Give them a call and they will give you a whole lot more practical advice than I can.

But what I can say is that this is not right

Longtalljosie · 02/02/2011 07:29

I think I know why you don't want to tell your mum - it's because it will make it "real". Chances are she's already worried.

I am very worried when you say there's more you haven't told us. Has he hit you? Or pushed you or left you with a bruise? I warn you, when domestic violence happens you kid yourself that that wasn't really DV, that it was just a mistake / he didn't mean it.

Your friend doesn't like him, you say? Why's that?

maxybrown · 02/02/2011 09:08

It is much harder to do something about something (as it were) than to stay. Try and be strong and surround yourself with as much positive input as you can - this will help you to build your strength too. You are vulnerable and he is being abusive.

PLEASE talk to your Mum and tell her everything. Do not feel like you have let your son down YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. And it is not pity in any way shape or form. Who cares if you have been married a year, 20 or a week? What do you think your Mum would say?

Pack some things and go to your Mums if you can.

This is not normal behaviour and i know you know that but sometimes you need people behind you telling you this all the time.

Keep posting here if it is helping too - I am also wondering why your friend doesn't like him. You are so so young, please don't waste your life thinking it will all be ok one day.

I know i don't acually KNOW this, but I am suspecting he did NOT tell you about the after work drinks. Why would he not have said in the morning "have a nice day darling - oh and don't forget I'll be home later tonight" or answer his phone to you? THAT is normal behaviour

I spoke to my DH about this thread - now then my DH is not at all nasty, but he can be a bit thoughtless at times - not deliberately, just dopey!! But he is a very good man and he raised his eyebrown when I told him and said he sound like a weirdo - there, from another man!

TheDevilAndTheDeepBlueSea · 02/02/2011 10:19

OP, how are you today? Please post, there are people here to help you.

NicknameTaken · 02/02/2011 10:38

Hi OP, you're getting great advice on here. I was in your situation three years ago. Very soon after our baby was born, my H became this aggressive person who decided he should make all the decisions, and who could dictate to me the terms on which I could take care of DD. (Although in his case, he wanted me to stop breastfeeding, as it meant he was unable to measure how much DD was drinking. He kept telling me I was starving her, despite the fact that she was gaining weight at a normal rate). Being forbidden to hold my child when she cried, yes, that happened too.

Listen, you can do what I did and stay till it gets worse and worse. Maybe that's a journey you need to take before you will finally believe what's happening. But I wish you can take the steps to avoid it, because believe me, it's miserable. And it's difficult to be the mother you need to be when you spend every day full of anxiety.

Honestly, go to your mother's for a bit. You're not failing your baby. Imagine being able to cuddle your baby any time you want! Isn't that what your baby deserves?

NicknameTaken · 02/02/2011 10:51

Oh, one more piece of advice. You say you haven't told us everything, which is fine. But please write it down on a piece of paper for your own sake (don't let him hide it!). Everything he has done that has ever made you scared and unhappy or even just uncomfortable. It's easy to "forget" or let things slide or explain them away. Don't use it to confront him! Just use it for your own thought processes, and ask if this is what you want your life (and your son's life) to be like.

monkeyflippers · 02/02/2011 16:38

fairycakesandsprinkles - Hi, how's things?

coldtits · 02/02/2011 16:47

Sweetheart...

Th4e first time my ex was coontrolling and violent to me ... it didn't feel like domestic violence.

neither did the second, the third, the fourth time.

Only after 3 years did it start to feel like domestic villence, and as if a bulb had been switched on in my head, I realised it had been domestic vilence all along.

He raped you. He did. he knew you didn't want to have sex any more, and that you wanted to go and pick up your crying baby, and he held you down and wanked into your vagina. Just because you stopped saying no, doesn't mean you changed your mind, you just gave up the the face of physiocal force. that's rape.

FWIW, you haven't failed your baby, your husband has failed your baby by behaving like an abusive brat. Whether he manages to behave like a father is up to him. But you cannot raise a baby in a house where a man behaves like this - it's damaging for them.

Anniegetyourgun · 02/02/2011 18:40

I'm finding it hard to imagine what kind of unnatural parent is capable of being interested in sex when they can hear a baby crying. That's just sick.

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 02/02/2011 23:09

Since the cup smashing incident things have been very calm, oddly enough.
He bathed DS tonight and got him to sleep and we are now watching a film together.
He has also suggested going to visit his family together at the weekend. They live 80 miles away.
I spoke to my mum today and arranged to meet her tomorrow but not sure I want to risk upsetting her when things have been ok today and yesterday.
Although he hasn't apologised (doesn't usually apologise for anything) perhaps he has realised how far he is pushing me and is trying to make up for it?

OP posts:
HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 02/02/2011 23:20

fairy - the fact that things are OK today is just part of the cycle of abuse. He will return to the abusive behaviour soon enough. I can't stress how important it is that you tell your mother. I suspect she is probably very aware something is wrong. You need to tell her and you need her support now and possibly in the future if/when you leave this man. Because this situation isn't going to get any better.

Take care of yourself and allow your mum to help you.