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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH makes me feel like a crap mum

135 replies

fairycakesandsprinkles · 28/01/2011 22:17

I have been with DH for 2 years and we have a three month old DS.
I feel really low right now and everything I do seems to be wrong.
For example when DS cries I pick him up straight away to comfort him but DH says I should leave him to cry or I will make him too needy.
I tried breastfeeding but stopped a month ago because I found it so painful but DH says I have given up too easily and need to persist.
Does he have a point?
Am I completely overreacting here?

OP posts:
RobynLou · 29/01/2011 00:00

it's normal to feel lost and confused and lonely.

it's not normal for your DH to stop you seeing someone who could stop you being lonely, or to expect the relationship to be the same as before.

that doesn't mean he's a bad person, he may just have unrealistic expectations which need setting straight.

MrsBananaGrabber · 29/01/2011 00:04

My husband used to try and tell me how to do things, he is 6 years older than me (we have been married 10 years now) he grew up around babies and I am an only child who didn't, it's hard when you are young and unsure, you will get stronger.........my DH still thinks he knows it all but the difference is that I don't listen, i'm older and sronger and can handle his alpha male crap......I have made him sound awful, I do love him to bits honestly, we have 3 DC's now, the youngest being 7 weeks. {wink}

EightiesChick · 29/01/2011 00:06

Totally normal for a 3 month old to wake at night, and not going to him will not change this - he'll sleep longer / sleep through when he's ready, so you may as well go and comfort him in the meantime. Tell your DH that settling DS down is actually the most efficient way to be able to get back to bed.

Likewise, point out to your DH that your mum can come round and do jobs which will free you up to bond even better with your DS.

Or, on the other hand, don't bother justifying yourself and say 'Thanks for the help..but I'm going to do X because that feels right for me'.

Have confidence in your own judgement.

differentnameforthis · 29/01/2011 00:23

You feeling isolated, overwhelmed & lonely is of his doing, as he is refusing to allow anyone to come see you & is criticising every point of your parenting!

That isn't the actions of a lovely man.

When dh & I had our first, he didn't have a clue either, but not once did he stop me seeing anyone, picking up our child (in fact, she spent most of her early months practically glued to me, such was my need to hold her) or refuse to let me pick her up if we were being intimate. Nor did he criticise me for not breastfeeding her.

The stuff you have listed isn't because he has no idea, it is because he wants to control every aspect of you life.

I hope you see that sooner, rather than later.

2rebecca · 29/01/2011 00:24

I agree that 3 month old babies wake at night and the health visitor chatting to you both or reading a baby book together may help. re your phone calls from your mum, it may be if he's working he wants to spend evenings with you and some women can be on the phone to their mothers for hours. You have all day to phone your mum, or could always phone her back if you do want to speak to her just telling your husband you aren't tired and want a chat. Just don't then moan about being tired when you come off the phone.

2rebecca · 29/01/2011 00:26

I also don't see how he stops you visiting people or having visitors if he works full time. Surely you have all day to visit people and be visited?

perfumedlife · 29/01/2011 00:29

I had 'all day' to call my mum but rarely could as ds was so demanding/glued to me. I couldn't get to the phone half the time, he breast fed so often.

2rebecca, what do you advise when he is aggressive and not letting her go during sex?

TheBigZing · 29/01/2011 01:23

Holeymoley - I'm not suggesting it's right or even usual that an age gap between them should produce a power inequality. I'm suggesting that it could be a factor (in this case) as to why he displays controlling behaviour and she has passive tendencies. Seven years difference when you are in your twenties can be significant.

OP - you are defending him and I can understand that. I'm sure he is indeed 'a lovely man' in many ways. But right now, he should be going out of his way to support you and make you feel like the best mummy in the world. He is not doing this. His advice is ill-informed and his motives are purely selfish. And to top it off, he is making you feel like a crap mum.

Controlling and abusive partners do not start their relationships being controlling and abusive. It builds up gradually.

I would really like to know how he stopped you from going to your baby the night he got 'aggressive'. Was it physical restraint? Or verbal? Did you carry on having sex? If so, did you want to carry on or was it just to please him? (You don't have to answer any of these questions of course)

By the way - you sound like a fantastic mum.

JockTamsonsBairns · 29/01/2011 01:52

2rebecca. For sure, the OP's DH cannot stop her having daytime company. If however, as has been suggested, he is a contoller, he may be making it difficult for her to build up any kind of support network. It's a subtle process ime. My ex-H managed to manipulate me into believing that my mother was trying to 'take over' and that she should therefore be kept at arms length. I was young, vulnerable, quite panicked about having a new baby, and he was 11 years older than me. I just wanted to keep 'our little family' together, didn't trust my own judgement at the time, and lacked the confidence to tell him to fuck right off.

OP Please come back to this thread whenever you can and keep talking; you'll find so much support here. I know it's hard to hear, when posters on an internet forum call judgement on your relationship. Only you know what the inside of your relationship looks like and it's possible we've called it wrong. Nothing can prepare you for life with a new baby and perhaps he just has ill-informed ideas about how he perceives it best to deal with things.

There are just a few things you've said that are raising a red flag and it is for you to mull over whether your DH has traits that you're not comfortable with. Please be honest with yourself. If he's isolating you from your mum, is he doing similar with your friends? Is he supportive of you getting a few hours away here and there to catch up with friends for example?

I don't believe any new mother truly knows with any confidence what they're doing in the first few months (years?). We all just try to muddle through with only our maternal instinct as a guide. You sound like a lovely mum, and it worries me a bit that your DH seems to be denying that instinct.

I really wish you well x

StuffingGoldBrass · 29/01/2011 10:39

Phone your mum and ask her to come round. You do not need your H's permission, he is not your owner. He may just be acting up because he's nervous about getting things right, but it sounds as though he is being controlling and you need to stand up to him firmly. Remember he has no authority over you and you do not have to obey him.
Unfortunately pregnancy and the arrival of a baby is often when abusive men show their true faces: the thing is, the earlier you spot what's going on, the sooner and more safely you can get away/get him out.

mamas12 · 29/01/2011 10:58

Poor you it does sound as if you have a few things going on at the same time.
If you think he is being supportive well he isn't, maybe he thinks he is (benefit of the doubt) but really.
Ring your mum to come over as soon as you can.
Ring your hv and exlain how you feel, you may need some support for some pnd.
Get hv to explain to him what it's all about.
Good luck

What you are feeling is normal and treatable

2rebecca · 29/01/2011 13:29

How equal was the relationship with your husband before the baby?
If pre baby he had said your mum couldn't come round what would you have said? Why have things changed (if they have) post baby?
If you would have told him to stop telling you what to do pre-baby but can't now then perhaps you have low self confidence due to post natal depression. If you think this may be so see your GP. It isn't healthy for your marriage for his opinion to be seen as more important than yours.
If you do want to speak to your mum it's important to tell him this though, and tell him if you want to stop making love if the baby cries because it ruins the mood for you.
If the baby is just wimpering a bit when making love I'd leave him for a while, if it's full blown wailing trying to continue seems daft.

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 29/01/2011 19:26

He doesn't physically stop me going out as he is at work all day.
My mum does tend to call when he is home and at weekends as she works as well and I can understand him being annoyed with this and not wanting anyone to be here when he gets home.
Last time we were having sex and he stopped me going to settle DS he grabbed both my wrists. I told him I wanted to stop but he wouldn't listen and said if I didn't want it then there are plenty of other women who do Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 29/01/2011 19:29

That was the first time he has done anything like that and I was shocked.
He never behaved like this before DS was born. I just want my husband back. I want things to be how they were before.
What do I do?

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 29/01/2011 19:31

This is not right fairycakes, you must know that.Sad

What differentiates your experience from rape? And he was threatening you really, put out or he'll go elsewhere Shock

This is not a nice man, and in light of the above, him not being forthcoming with your mum is even more suspect. I fear he is isolating you deliberately, and has a sense of you as his property.

Was he in a long relationship ever, before you met?

perfumedlife · 29/01/2011 19:35

It's notable you say, 'he doesn't physically stop me going out during the day as he is at work'

Is there a possibility you feel he would stop you, if he could? If he were there?

perfumedlife · 29/01/2011 19:38

What should you do? Confused

Frankly, I would have gone, the morning he refused to let me attend to the baby, and forced the continuation of sex, with threats and holding my wrists.

I think you know this is not healthy. You seem to have been rushed up the aisle and pregnant all very quickly. I can't help but think he is an abuser, wishing full control of you, and it explains his lack of patience with the baby and his critiscism of your mothering.

Can you go to your mums for a few days, to think this through?

ivykaty44 · 29/01/2011 19:38

He sounds like he is jealous adn hasn't adjusted at all to being part of a family Sad grabing someone when they are having sex to stop them going to their won baby is not right.

I don't really know how to advise you to get help for all three of you - but you need to get some support and you need to get it into your dp brain his behaviour will drive you away

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 29/01/2011 19:41

He didnt want to stop so I gave in to him. Thats not rape
He has had long term relationships before.
This is only my second serious relationship

OP posts:
MadameOvary · 29/01/2011 19:43

The more I hear the worse it sounds.
Please get your mum involved, and build up your support network, because you need one.

And please, please keep posting...we are here for you.

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 29/01/2011 19:44

By the way he did apologise for what he said about there being plenty of other women.
He said he didnt know why he said it and he was really genuinely sorry

OP posts:
realrabbit · 29/01/2011 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

mamas12 · 29/01/2011 19:57

We are advising you to contact your mum and see her and your friends and family more often.
Your need more than his 'support'

Talk to you hv on Monday you need to.
Really, you know this isn't right because you are posting.
Keep posting for support here. It is hard to think that he is isolating you, maybe he doesn't realise that he is doing it but he is and you know it.

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 29/01/2011 19:58

I have been with him 2 years and he has never ever hit me.
Tell me why you think I should uproot DS?
Then I will have failed him if I haven't already.

OP posts:
RealityIsKnockedUp · 29/01/2011 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.