DH makes me feel like a crap mum

[fairycakesandsprinkles]

I have been with DH for 2 years and we have a three month old DS.
I feel really low right now and everything I do seems to be wrong.
For example when DS cries I pick him up straight away to comfort him but DH says I should leave him to cry or I will make him too needy.
I tried breastfeeding but stopped a month ago because I found it so painful but DH says I have given up too easily and need to persist.
Does he have a point?
Am I completely overreacting here?

[perfumedlife]

I don't think anyone is 'telling' you to do anything. I said what I would have done. I also think going to your mums for a few days is hardly uprooting ds. It's taking time out to be pampered by your mum, if you are worried about what to tell dh.

He is making you feel like a crap mum and generally behaving like neanderthal man. Life does change dramatically after children, and him wishing it didn't won't change that. He needs to accept the changes and find ways to support you better. If he isn't going to, and you still feel low, it's going to be up to you what to do.

Aggressive in bed, holding your wrists and not 'letting' you attend to the baby are all very obvious red flags. I can understand you not wishing to see this for what it is, and I sincerely hope I am wrong. It doesn't change the fact you are unhappy and feeling unsupported though.

[sevendwarves]

I've read all 4 pages and I'm genuinely very concerned for you.

As others have said please talk to your mum. Do you have any close friends with children, perhaps you could talk to them if you don't want to turn to your mum.

OP forcing someone to have sex is rape, however you wish to interpret it.

[ivykaty44]

we are asking you to get help for the three of you - to get your mum's support with the baby and to understand that the behaviour that your dp showed to you on more than one occasion is not acceptable in any way and the last peice was totally out of order.

You all need help

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"He never behaved like this before DS was born. I just want my husband back. I want things to be how they were before".

They won't though and he has crossed a line. You're perhaps seeing him in his true light now. He really does not like your child coming first, you belong to him you see; he wants to have you in a gilded cage of his own making.

None of his actions are loving, this is all about power and control.

You need real life support and your Mum would be a good starting point as well as your HV.

[2rebecca]

It sounds as though you were only together for a year before you got pregnant. That is a short period of time, you possibly only lived together for a fraction of that year.
If a bloke held my wrists and told me he'd have sex with other women if I wasn't interested I'd be telling him to pack his bags.
If your mum works then her phoning you on evenings and weekends is understandable.
Why don't you ring her on an evening for a change.
I'd be having a long talk to him about changing his ways or he's out.
If he's drinking every evening and his personality has changed he possibly has an alcohol problem as well. Note this is his alcohol problem, not yours. This relationshiop sounds doomed, and should be doomed from your and the baby's point of view unless he wises up soon, stops drinking and going out, starts helping and starts being pleasant and fun to be with.
You aren't his therapist or rescuer.

[perfumedlife]

I can't see any reference to the dh drinking 2Rebecca

Fairycakes, you wrote, 'I told him to stop but he wouldn't listen'

That's rape.

[fairycakesandsprinkles]

No he's not an alcoholic.
Part of me is so sad and I have thought before that we rushed into things but I can't let DS down because of my mistake.
And I believe DH loves me and doesn't realise how much he hurts me.
Isn't love enough?

[perfumedlife]

Are you able to tell him what you have told us fairycakes?

Tell him you need more support, less isolation, more company, freedom to decide how you raise your child and no pressure in the bedroom, including refusing to listen.

Are you afraid of him atall?

[fairycakesandsprinkles]

I will talk to him because we have to make it work.
Can't right now because his friends are here playing poker

[LoveBeingADaddysGirl]

Fairy lots of things you have said worry me, please can you speak to your mum. You haven't known him that long really, how much time was there before you got pg? Don't ever think you are making too big a deal of any of this, has dh told you that you have?

[Jux]

No, love is not enough. Respect and trust are vital and without them love will die very very quickly.

You don't have to make it work either. You would not be letting ds down if your marriage didn't work. You would be letting him down by staying in a bad relationship.

I don't know whether he is a controlling bastard or just knackered as all new parents are - whether they are the one getting up at night or not.

You need to have RL support and it sounds like your dh is not being that helpful - I don't mean in practical terms, I mean emotionally supportive. If he were, then he would be happy for your mum to come round as often as you want her to.

He may be suffering a tad from jealousy too. He is no longer the centre of your world, ds is.

Long serious talk is called for. If you get nowhere with that then you may need to go to Relate or something, and if you still get nowhere then by all means move on.

There are things you can do first (and getting your mum round when you want her is one of hte first.)

[sevendwarves]

Excellent post Jux

[MadAboutQuavers]

Fucking hell, fairycakes

If my DP tried to stop me going to our 3 month old DS, I would throttle him

If he held my wrists to "persuade" me to continue to have sex with him, I would leave him

Sounds to me like you are frightened of being alone and being without the material benefits your DH brings

The path you're on doesn't sound good. Confide in your mum

You do not have to put up with whatever he says because he's older and goes out to work

[mummytime]

"He has had long term relationships before.
This is only my second serious relationship"
Why did his serious relationships breakdown before?

You need to get out, and get support. Go to Toddler groups, talk to your HV on your own. Tell her how you feel and try to find local groups you can go to. Do see you Mum.

Catch up on our sleep during the day. Ignore housework. Concentrate on you and the baby. Arrange to meet up with your Mum, get her to come over.

When you have a baby it is normal not to have sex much due to: pain possibly and exhaustion. It is normal to get up several times a night to deal with the baby, although my DH at times had to wake me as I was so exhausted I just would dream I was feeding the baby. It does pass, but it is a well established fact of new babies, so much so its be the butt of jokes for decades.

You really need to look after yourself and the baby. Maybe a rest at your Mums would help.

Mums of newborn babies are very vulnerable, especially with their first; do take care of yourself.

[mamas12]

Fairycakes I hope you are feeling a little stronger with some virtual support. If only to confirm to you that his behaviour is not supportive.

I hope you phone your mum today and get her over or even go to hers for a change, do you do that?

Jux post makes so much sense as a plan of action for you as a family unit.
If he wants this marriage as much as you do then he will co operate and work on this too.
But, if he doesn't then to stay in a bad relationship is doing wrong by you child, as what kind of example are you holding up to him about them.

It is hard to do this but it shouldn't be if he wants it.

[StuffingGoldBrass]

YOU haven't failed, Fairycakes. HE HAS. He has failed to be a decent husband and partner, because he is an inadequate human being who needs to bully other people to make himself feel better. Sorry but your H is a textbook abusive male loser, and you need to make plans to get away from him right now. He will have to pay maintenance for your DS and you may well be able to remain in the family home and get your H out (he raped you, that's good enough to get him slung out and barred from returning).
You may think I'm being harsh. I am not blaming you but I hope to be able to make you see that this man is not all-powerful and you do not have to put up with his behaviour.
When you stand up to him he will almost certainly tell you that he will throw you out of the house, take custody of DS and leave you penniless. it's very important for you to know that he CAN'T DO THIS.

[sungirltan]

fairycakes - i'm so sorry you are going through this. your dh is totally out of order, jelaous and controlling. my hd was like this when dd was tiny (not the wrist holding i hasten to add), he was a total know it all (has no other kids) and tried to question all my instinctive parenting (responding to the baby pretty much) in an effort to undermine me. i think if i was still that isolated then he might still be like this but i bought piles of books,went to baby classes, expanded my friends and well....ignored him. he is generally very complimentarty now (dd is 16 months), not that it excuses his poor support in the early months and he still subtely tries to interfere now and then but for ME, I FEEL totally convinced of my own pareting instincts and ergo much stronger when he questions them.

i am reading a really useful book atm if you fancy that route - its called 'what every parent needs to know' - covers all the why you mustly leave the baby to cry and why cc is bollocks etc. 'why love matters' is also good but quite academic but you can find loads on the web from the papers if thats easier.

i second others though, get out and see people, see your mum, look for baby groups/classes to go to and get yourself a life whilst dh is at work. you really sounds like meeting up with other mums would help - sometimes all my friends and i do when we meet is moan about our husbands! very therapeutic!

good luck

[perfumedlife]

I loved 'why love matters' suntangirl. A real, eye opening book.

[sungirltan]

yy to perfumedlife - it was the first one i snatched up when dh kept suggesting i leave dd to cry. dh can poke it - dd's mental health is way more important than him

[mdavza]

Good luck, fairycakes, thinking of youx

[fairycakesandsprinkles]

Thanks for all the comments everyone, just to let you know I appreciate it and am trying to take it all on board.
Now going to sit down with DH and tell him things need to change.
Hopefully he will see I am serious and we can work through it together.
I don't want my mum to know but I have a friend with a DD around the same age as DS and I might give her a call tomorrow

[fairycakesandsprinkles]

I hadn't realised how serious it is until I typed it and saw all of it written down. And I haven't even told you everything

[sevendwarves]

Good luck, hope it goes ok.

I'm pleased you've got a RL friend you can talk to.

[StuffingGoldBrass]

Do bear in mind the possiblity that your H may not listen calmly to you and agree to change. He may laugh at you, ignore you, tell you that you are mad and need to see a doctor to make you more obedient better. He may even become physically aggressive towards you or at least threatening.
If he does any of those things, then the relationship is doomed because he has decided that he is entitled to mistreat you because you are a woman. It won't get better, it will get worse.
If he appears shocked and remorseful and promises to change his behaviour, then give him a chance but see how he behaves. If he carries on isolating you, undermining you and raping you, then (again) the relationship is doomed and the sooner you get rid of him the better.

[MadAboutQuavers]

I'm very worried for you fairycakes

I hope the talk goes well

Please keep in mind what everyone has said here - you do not have to be dictated to by a bullying and controlling man