DH makes me feel like a crap mum

[fairycakesandsprinkles]

I have been with DH for 2 years and we have a three month old DS.
I feel really low right now and everything I do seems to be wrong.
For example when DS cries I pick him up straight away to comfort him but DH says I should leave him to cry or I will make him too needy.
I tried breastfeeding but stopped a month ago because I found it so painful but DH says I have given up too easily and need to persist.
Does he have a point?
Am I completely overreacting here?

[FunnysInTheGarden]

for your and your mums sake, you need to let her in to help. Your DH might think he is protecting you, but really with a tiny baby, you need more help. Do you get on with your mum?

[holymoley]

Of course the MNers are on hand to help you, but tell your mum how overwhelmed you feel - remember she's been there with you. She will completely understand and a weight will be lifted from your shoulders. You are a loving, caring mum who only wants the best for her LO. Babies don't come with an instruction leaflet, you are as qualified as every other first time mum. Take care and let us know how you are. I've found advice offered on here invaluable, please take advantage

[2dogs1baby]

I'd talk to your mum & your DH. Put your foot down & say you're going to raise ur DC how you want to do it.

My DP (well now ex p) was exactly like this. I refused to listen! Telling my mum how I felt was great & really helped me. We broke up for other reasons but now I am living having a beautiful 4 month old to look after exactly how I want!

Good luck. Stick to your guns xxx

[chopchopbusybusy]

Your DH may or may not be a twat. He might just be a bit new to it all. My advice would be to pick up the phone and invite my Mum round. Tell him what you are doing and it's because your Mum has experience of what you are going through. No discussion, that's what you are doing.

[TheBigZing]

I agree with those that have said he sounds a bit controlling.

The stuff about not picking baby up is crap advice but understandable as he has no experience.

The breastfeeding thing is not for him to comment on really - they're not his breasts! And I think it's very poor of him to be criticising your choices during your vulnerable post natal period.

But the bit that really rings alarm bells is him always answering the phone, speaking to your mum on your behalf (does she ask to speak to you? Do you gesture that you want to speak to her?) and deciding for all of you whether she is to visit without consulting you.

Is he controlling in other aspects of your relationship? Does he ever tell you what you should wear for example?

[ReindeerBollocks]

It sounds like he is misguided but trying to help. Tell him that his suggestions aren't helping and you need his support on these issues, not his opinion on what he feels you are doing wrong.


Communication between partners seems more difficult when babies enter a relationship, but it is when you both need to be more open with each other and try and find practical solutions together. Also get in touch with other new mums, not as a sounding board for who is right, but for support even if other mums do things differently.

I hope you manage to talk it out with him and make him realise exactly how his comments make you feel.

[RobynLou]

ring your mum and arrange for her to come round when DH is out.

go out an d meet some other mums.

cuddle your baby as much as you want.

[holymoley]

I assumed your DH was young aswell. At 30 he should know better and be supporting you in every way. Please call your mum

[McHobbes]

Agree ChopChop. I have no idea whether or not the dh is being well or ill intentioned, but his opinions are wrong.

It is totally natural and right to comfort a three month old who is crying. It is their only means of communication, and your instinct serves you well to want to respond. I certainly did and none of my three are 'too needy', so don't worry a jot about that. Wee babies like your ds need the closeness of a parent to reassure them, and picking him up when he cries is the right thing to do.

Secondly, you need all the support and company you can get, and this is where your mum should most certainly come into the picture.

[TheBigZing]

He should know better holeymoley but he is seven years older than the OP. Which might explain why he thinks he knows better than her. And why she seems to accept his authority / controlling behaviour.

[missmehalia]

Lots of people who've never given birth are the ones to say 'let them cry', or similar. (He might as well tell you to stop breathing!) And generally to make insensitive remarks at such a sensitive time, when you can be terrified you're doing something wrong.

I bet you're not! Trust your instincts. You don't need to have a fight with him (bet you don't have the energy) but get a HV or similar round to talk to you both so you have the same advice to follow. It might be a starting point, anyway..

[McHobbes]

And what Robyn so concisely says is right.

Cuddle your baby as much as you want.

[perfumedlife]

fairycakes trust your instincts. If you want to pick up your crying baby, do it. I had a friend stay with us when ds newborn. She told me to do the controlled crying thing at night, ds was two weeks old I lasted for the worst seven minutes of my life and then threw her out.

You are now a mum, you have the know how deep down, and the wisdom to ask for tips you don't know. But the key word is ask
Unrequested advice you can probably ignore.

I hope you text your mum tonight to invite her round. Tell dh you know best what you and the baby need. He has only known you for two years, your mum has known you all your life.

xx

[holymoley]

The age difference shouldn't matter TheBigZing, OP is not a child

[cory]

It is the bit about trying to keep you away from other people that rings alarm bells with me.

Ime the mothers who have found it easiest to bond with their babies are the ones who have been surrounded by good support from relatives or friends, not the ones that have been locked up in the bedroom with their baby.

Otoh trying to cut a partner off from relatives and friends can be an early sign of controlling/abusive behaviour.

It may be that your dh is not dodgy, just thoroughly misguided, but if so you must make it clear to him that the best way for you to bond is for you to be relaxed and happy- and if that means having your mum round, then it means having your mum round.

[fairycakesandsprinkles]

yes DH works full time in a very well paid job. Fortunately I don't need to rush back to work or even go back at all if I don't want to.
DS doesn't cry that much really only if he's hungry or during the night - he still wakes up two or three times between putting him to sleep and 6am when he wakes up.
I think it is the getting up at night that DH doesn't like because this is the only time we have alone.
We have not made love many times since DS was born because I have been so exhausted. The last time we attempted it DS started crying and I wanted to go and settle him but DH did get quite aggressive and wouldn't let me go.
He says if I stop 'pandering' to him all the time he will stop waking up at night.
I have tried explaining it is not as simple as that but he doesn't get it and thinks it is a result of something I am doing wrong.
I will try and call the health visitor tomorrow I think and try and make sure he is home when she comes so we can all have a sit down together.

[holymoley]

Hate to say it but he does sound controlling.

[MrsBananaGrabber]

Poor you, tell him to fuck off and you will do as you please, you cannot pander to a 3 month old, what a dick, I am angry for you.

[fairycakesandsprinkles]

Maybe it is coming across wrong.
He really is a lovely man I think he just doesn't have a clue about babies and expects our relationship to be exactly the same as before.
Both me and DS want for nothing and I have no doubt he loves me I just feel a bit isolated thats all

[perfumedlife]

I really don't like the sound of him getting aggressive and not letting you go

This isn't right. A new baby is the no.1 priority, not him, not sex, not peace and quiet, just the baby and mum's happiness that she is doing what instinct tells her. Instincts have seved us well for millions of years, don't ignore them.

[fairycakesandsprinkles]

but you say it is normal to feel like this with a small baby.
maybe im making more of this than i should

[RobynLou]

it's utterly normal for a 3m old to wake at night, would be unusual for him not to.

hopefully you can prompt the HV to say that with DH there?

he does sound rather controlling.

[RobynLou]

it's normal to feel lost and confused and lonely.

it's not normal for your DH to stop you seeing someone who could stop you being lonely, or to expect the relationship to be the same as before.

that doesn't mean he's a bad person, he may just have unrealistic expectations which need setting straight.