Anyone been able to change their personality?

[moodyAndSulky]

Namechanged for this. I don't know if here is the right place for this but people here seem to be very astute wrt personality traits and stuff.

So all my life I've been a moody and sulky cow. I thought I'd grown out of it but it seems not. But I don't want to be like this anymore but don't know how to change.

The latest background: I've been going to a children's centre group and because I was very ill, missed a few weeks before and after Christmas. When I went back, the senior person said to me "Oh, I'd been thinking of emailing you to check we hadn't upset you or something." This isn't the first time this has happened. At the beginning of 2010, I was also off for a few weeks and she said the same thing. Thing is that both times I had very serious health problems.

But anyway, I told my DH about this and said that I felt it was weird. That as a children's centre they were actually in a position to help me at these difficult times, blah, blah, blah. Anyway he just said that I do get upset, sulky and moody really easily and he didn't think it was a weird comment to make to me.

So I'm now really concerned about this. I just had no idea people still thought about me this way. And I don't know how to change. Any ideas?

Yes you can if you want to.

I was a horrid critical person and got angry whenever anyone upset me. I was unkind to my DH and unapproachable due to the wall I had put up pretending to be tough and strong.

I have been seeing a psychotherapist for 16 months. I am changing and now I am quite different. I realise I am actually sensitive and easily hurt and I don't have as much confidence as I always believed. Everything is much harder and hurts more but I am not an angry person any more, just a rather scared one.

Could you afford to go to a BACP counsellor and say what you said to us? You sounds quite open and amenable to new ideas.

I think you can definitely change how you see things and react to them. Labels are just that - it puts a default personality on you that can be very hard to shake off. I always think they're like a kind of prison..

You're obviously wanting to be seen differently, and also to see yourself differently. I'm sure you can. I know I've changed quite a lot over the years, I think advancing years help with being a bit more mellow and seeing that there are lots of shades of grey.

Fresh starts help a lot with it too, I think - new social scene, new job etc.

I've kind of been doing the same thing lately. My boyfriend is quite sensitive and easily upset if I snap at him or anything. I've never had this before, but am aware I am given to doing it a lot. So I've made a really conscious effort if something happens where I would normally snap or sulk, to take a deep breath and then calmly explain that what he's done/doing is irritating.

I know it's me and not him. And I am getting better at recognising it. I don't want to upset him unnecessarily, so I figured it's time I changed this part of my personality as it's not a desirable trait.

It can be done. You just have to work on being a little more self-aware at the time it's happening.

I wouldn't worry too much, though. That "I wondered if we'd upset you" line is usually a throwaway, jokey comment often used in this sort of situation as a way of saying "we missed you and we're glad you're back".

I did.

Due to my rather strange upbringing and very difficult family dynamic I was a very dramatic, negative quite volatile person really. Everything was a drama, shouted a lot to communicate in relationships, I was dyfunctional in my career and in most areas of my life.

I worked on myself since having DD and through meeting DH. I knew that I couldn't carry on as I was and be healthy. I saw therapists but mostly it was sheer determination that DD wouldn't have the same kind of family experience I did. It has worked and I am very happy now.

Nothing's perfect of course but in answer to your question yes I changed my personality.

be careful about allowing yourself and others to label you 'moody' and 'sulky'. labels are very powerful things. often we internalise these definitions and reinforce them. the only thing another person (including close partners) can really tell you in all honesty is that to them you seem to get upset / moody easily. this is helpful advice. it means your behaviour can be read as sulky and moody.

however, do you actually feel sulky and moody? or have you just got a bit of a serious thinking face? if it's just the latter then this is easier to change. you don't need to change your moods as such just the way you portray yourself to others.

Thank you for replying. I guess the answer is proper therapy.

Scarlett I feel the same way in that I don't want my DC's to grow up like I did.

kepler that is a very interesting post. I think I do have a serious face and I do tend to be a very serious person. How do you change things like that?

It is good to hear that you can change - even if is going to take some serious effort.

Nice thread.

I have gone through similar.

I have only had a limited amount of counseling though, but can recommend it as it offers clarity and validation and guidance in thought processess.
Folks here are very thoughful and helpful for the same as well-that I have found (don't know how helpful I've been to others ).

I was perfectionistic. Not now-something about children got in the way of that.

I was tactless, abrubt. Now I take a breath and do a hum-an-haw pause, and a few preambling 'well' or 'maybe' or 'it might be' phrases to pad the point.

I used to take things personally and feel really attacked if someone criticized me. Now I let the feeling of -hurt?-anger?-degradation? have a moment to dissipate and try to let my brain function (instead of just emotion) and think about what is being said. Then I have a better chance to respond in adult mode, calmly, intelligently.

Yes, you can change. Self-awareness in the moment is key (for me anyway).

Good luck and congrats on having the courage to work on it.

I used to be a perfectionist, now things are good enough!

I used to be quite compliant also!

I do think you can change for the better, it takes a lot of work on youself both in therapy and alone!

People don't always react well to change in those they are close to, it knocks all your relationships, even the one's with the kids!

yes i've changed, unrecognisably in some ways. I think therapy sorts it all out re WHY are you 'moody and sulky', IF you are m&s (you may not be..), HOW you can address it. imo it is important to accept yourself as you are and give yourself a break before you can even begin to change anything.

I changed bcs of some very difficult life experiences that literally took the breath out of my mouth (well, maybe not LITERALLY - still dramatic I see ); plus, like you and scarlett, I didn't want my kids to be affected by difficult things in my personality. most of the difficult things were ineffectual coping mechanisms as a result of being deeply hurt. it's good to make peace with yourself and to be able to choose how you present yourself to the world, knowing you are ok whatever way. Perhaps you can only do that if you know and accept yourself and your inner workings, history etc?

ps you can't change who you are at the core iyswim but you can change characteristics of your personality that aren't working for whatever reason.

bumble? have a ((hug)) (if you like! )

someone I know is convinced that most people don't like themselves. the cause of a lot of the world's agony and trouble

(slight hijack) Bumble thats great news on you seeing someone, the first steps the hardest bit, I posted on your other thread x