Parents divorced. Dad won't speak to Mum. I'm getting married. WWYD?

[OTheHugeManatee]

My parents have been divorced for 10 years. They're both remarried. I get on well with my stepfather, but find my stepmother hard work (she doesn't like me much and has made that clear on countless occasions). My mum walked out on my dad, and my dad still won't speak to her. He nearly didn't come to a very important event for my brother last year, because he didn't want to breathe the same air as Mum.

Next year, I'm getting married. I'm pretty relaxed about the whole wedding planning thing, and VERY excited to be marrying DP, but I realise that if there's one thing making me lose sleep it's what will happen re Mum and Dad.

For example: we're having a church wedding. I want Dad to walk me down the aisle. But I don't see how that's going to be possible if he struggles to be in the same room as Mum. And what about the reception? If there's a sit-down dinner, who sits where?

It's doing my head in. I'd appreciate any thoughts or experiences from others with messily divorced parents who found a stress-free-ish way of managing all this.

TIA

Oh, I realised I didn't say enough about why the stepmother thing is relevant. Essentially she's very hostile towards my Mum as well, and I think encourages Dad to be rigid about refusing contact.

For example, Mum wrote to Dad a few years ago to apologise for the way she left, and got a formal letter back saying 'I never want to speak to you again' - and then got another one, sent privately by Dad, saying thank you for writing and he never really stopped loving her.

It's all very weird. Anyway, advice/experiences very welcome.

A thought on your sit down dinner - when dh and I got married we didn't have a top table but asked the venue to set two extra places at each table, so we had starter sat at one, soup at the next, main at another, down to cheese and biscuits and coffee and mints.

Everyone loved it, it meant we didn't have to have a receiving line as we had time to say hello chat with everyone.

Just a suggestion.

If you want to have them there, you could have a less traditional dinner table arrangement - with you and DP on one table (and maybe make it less of a 'top table' too) with your best man/bridesmaids/close friends. Then have two tables - one with your dad and the other with your mum with an assortment of other important people on each. Might require a bit of jiggling but it will keep them apart!

We had this with DH's parents when we married his mum refuses to acknowledge his dad exists. Dad has partner we invited all and asked them to behave for DH's sake and they did. We sat the table sensibly so they were well spaced and warned the photographer it was fine.

Invite and warn my advice.

x-posted. I really like lilibet's idea.

I think you should innocently pretend that there is no problem between them. Invite your Dad to walk you down the aisle. Invite both your parents and their partners to the wedding. Hopefully they will all be able to put aside their differences for a few hours in order to make your day a good one. Do not get into discussions with them about it! Congrats by the way!! Hope you have a great time on your special day.

Firstly congratulations!! It's wonderful you are so excited to be marrying your dp
When I got married my parents had been divorced for about 8 years. They also both had new partners.
I think because it was a wedding and there were plenty of other people there it was fine. We did have a top table but did the usual thing of my Mum sitting next to dh then fil on her other side and my Dad sitting next to me then mil on other side. Both partners were at another family table.

My Dad walked me down the aisle & Mum did the reading in Church so she also had something special to do.
They were on some of the same pictures but as we were always in the middle they didn't have to stand next to each other.
It turned out fine and they actually had a dance togther later that night
Have any of them mentioned any issues with the wedding so far?

Thanks all for your ideas.

megcleary I think it's the 'asking them to behave' bit that's making me nervous. I've had some epic run-ins with SM over the years (she gets offended when I get in touch, and also when I don't, basically I think I'm just offensive to her) and am just dreading the prospect.

Out of interest, what did you do about before the wedding? Who stayed where? Which bits of whose family came to the church/registry/whatever with the groom? That's the other bit I can't figure out...I suppose it doesn't help that I've never got married before so don't really know how all that works

Asking them to behave may have been a bit strong he just asked them to come. They stayed in different hotels. Just all came to church and reception they never spoke to each other but it wasn't tense.
We had a vry small wedding and everyone knew the situation so I think all our friends and my family worked hard at entertaining and seperating.

You speak to your mum and dad and explain that you are concerned, if they immediatly tell you you have nothing to worry about then just tell them. It might help to have your dp there. Re the top table, my parents and dhs parents preferred to sit together rather than each other so that's what we did.

Jackstini

Mum doesn't really have any issues and would be happy to be on more relaxed terms with Dad. But for whatever reason, whether it's him or SM (I don't know), Dad won't have it.

Neither have mentioned any issues yet. I hope I'm worrying about nothing. I suppose I've survived quite well for the last decade keeping Mum and Dad as separate parts of my life, and I feel really uncomfortable about having them in the same place, especially on such a big day.

Perhaps this is all just my ishoos. I hope so

• invite them all
• arrange the seating plans so they don't have to actually sit next to each other

that's it.

I think you need to sit your dad down and give him a shit sarnie - dad your wonderful and I want most in the world is for you to give me away at our wedding thats me and Mr OTheHugeManatee - its going to be our wonderful day and the day is about us.

I would like nothing more than you to not take out on me your differences with my mum, it would be such a shame to have a bad day due to your marriage going wrong, after all it is only one day you would have to act a little

I can't wait until you have me proudly on your arm walking me down the aisle, you will make me so proud your my dad

Something along those lines that gives him how much he means to you, how much you don't want the day ruined and again how proud you will be off him

This happened to me, my parents went through a very messy divorce about 6 years before I got married and they couldn't stand each other. They both behaved like lunatics during the divorce, which they freely admit now, but Dad in particular breaks into a cold sweat if I even mention Mum.
In the run up to the wedding my Dad said that his wife wouldn't come if my Mum's then partner was going to be there, just goes to show how complicated the whole mess was!
I ignored the request and calmly informed them that all four would be invited, I also gave them the seating plan. That was all I said about it and I made no concessions towards keeping them apart (although we did have a long top table with Mum and Dad sat either side of me and DH but I think we would have done that anyway). If there was any tension I didn't notice. They spoke for a few minutes at the reception and then avoided each other. Part of me did worry that something might happen, especially after a few drinks, but I think they were too distracted and probably just wanted a nice day for me and DH!

Good luck.

I had pretty much exactly the same situation!
My parents divorced about 17 years ago, my Dad re-married 10 years ago but my Mum hasnt.
They dont get along AT ALL! Are very childish tbh I think.
I got married 7 years ago. At this point my Mum and Dad hadnt spoken for years and my Mum and Step Mum had never met but both Mum and Dad were very good at still making snidy comments about each other etc.
I just decided in the end that its MY wedding and THEY are the grown ups in this family so they will just HAVE to grow up for one day
There was a lot of 'well of course i'll be mature but if he thinks he can be rude to me at the wedding i'll have something to say' from them both beforehand which I ignored.
On the day thankfully everything was fine, they were all very civil to each other (I think having an audience of all the other guests forced them to tbh). My Mum and Step Mum even chatted away to each other!

Of course after the wedding they have never spoken to each other since again and are still a bit childish about each other, but they managed to be mature on the day which is what counts!

I'd plan your wedding exactly as you want it. If you want your Dad to give you away then ask him and dont explain to your Mum, just tell her whats happening as if you couldnt imagine it would possible be any other way.
Seat them away from each other and hope for the best! I'm sure none of them willl be the one that starts a row on your wedding day and due to that it will all be ok for the duration!

My parents had the marriage from hell.

I have not married DP but when I was pregnant with DS, I made it quite clearly to both Mum and Dad that if they couldn't behave themselves in front of the baby and any other DCs I might have in the future, then they would both miss out on grandchildren all together as I would cut all ties. (I am an only - therefore the only one who would make them grandparents).

After years of shit and bollocks from the pair of them during my own childhood I was not prepared to have my DCs endure the same.

It was very empowering.

This was 15 years ago and the pair of them behave each other and there has never been a problem. They have managed to attend DC's birthdays etc without ruining them (as they did my childhood birthdays) etc.

One of the best things I've ever done.

I gave it to them straight in the bollocks and it worked.

If they can't behave they don't come to the wedding. End of.

Thanks for everyone who's suggested 'Listen sunshine, here's how it's going to be...' wording for talking to my dad and SM.

I think that's what I'm going to have to do.

Just not looking forward to it very much.

Totally agree with the posters who say - Invite them both and tell them you want them both to behave. Only way you can do it. They cannot make you choose either orthem an they are responsible for their own actions. I did have this situation as DH's parents are divorced. MIL is a complete nightmare and had previously not attented key family events on principle (as the father was there). She did attend our wedding, she did behave well and but we didn't notice if there was tension...Enjoy the planning

Both sets of our parents were divorced. The top table (long one) was arranged so they were all seperated and ran: Maid of Honour, FIL, my Mum, DH, Me, my Dad, MIL, Best Man. Worked perfectly and looks nice and neat too.

I agree with others, you just have to talk to your Dad (leave your SM out of it IMO) and just explain that you are worried and that you want it to be a nice day.

OTheHugeManatee - aswell as shit sarnie you can do divide and conquer - talk to your dad first and get your df to talk to your step mum - so they are not together when you talk to them which is always better

Good luck and I hope you have a beautiful day

I fear I'm going to have to talk not to DF but SM. There's no point in getting Dad to agree to something and asking him to tell her as he is unable to stand up to her.

Now I realise why I'm dreading this so much

Then tackle the step mum first alone with your df... and get her on side with the shit sarnie - you know step mum you and dad have always been there - its really important to me that you are both at the wedding it would break my heart if you weren't there - will you help me get dad to be there I know you have always had a special way with him, I know we can relie on you its such and important day and we don't want yours and dads day spoilt either or you missing out

We had this problem with both sets of parents, and only a very small registry office wedding. As both of our dads were the troublemakers, we simply didn't invite either of them. They didn't like it much, but they sucked it up. Not the solution for everyone I know.

OTHM - hopefully there will not be any issues and that's the mindset everyone should be 'made' to have.
Just absolutely presume there will be no issues, even make a joke out of it if you think it's easier to address it that way - e.g. "do you know, one of my friends asked if you, mum and other halves would have any problems all attending our wedding. I told her not to be daft - of course not, they know how important and special this day is for me and dh and they will all be absolutely fine"
Job done - who is going to contradict that?!