Husband left me not coping (long one)

[lifeshock]

Just wanted a bit of advice support really.
Two weeks ago my husband was very quiet when I got home from work. When I asked what was wrong he said that he wasn't happy anymore at home. He didnt love me and had no interest in the children anymore. He then packed a bag and left. I was in total shock the night before we had had friends round and had a really good night.

This isn't the first time he has done this, he left like this 4 weeks ago then came back the next morning. said he had made a mistake and he still loved me. I took him back and things were really good between us, he wrote me letters and cards telling me how much he loved me. He apologised to the children because he had dragged them out of bed to tell them he didn't love their mum and he was leaving.
Anyway he left and I thought he might come back but instead he came back on Thursday took all his stuff, cleaned me out (all of this was in front of the children. who were very upset, they are both teenagers)
Since then he has seen them twice
My daughter is devastated that her dad doesnt live here anymore I keep getting calls from school to come and collect her because she is upset. Son who is a bit older is very angry at his dad as he heard him leave both times and some of the things he has said
I love him so much, feel like my heart is actually broken.I haven't been able to go into work, can't sleep, can't eat and just can't seem to function. He on the other hand said he is happier than he has been for ages. I am so shocked and worried about the future.
This is a man who completely adored me, before this he was my best friend who wanted to spend all his time with me and didnt like me going out with my friends
The only real clue I have had that something was wrong is that he has started smoking cannabis again, been drinking in the day and is prone to these really quiet silences where he just stares into space.
He has gone out of his way to be harsh to me, telling me he doesnt care about me at all and what happens to me. This is from a previous loving husband and a really brilliant dad.
He is also saying he is reluctant to pay the mortgage on the house for much longer as he can't afford to do this and have much money left for himself!! I am worried sick as I can't possibly pay this myself
Just really wanted some advice on how to get through this time. Can't stop crying. I am no use to anyone. Can't cook a meal for the kids who have been living off pot noodles and chips. How much longer will I feel like this until I can begin to function again? Really need to go back to work but can't stop crying
Advice please
Thanks

Didn't want to read and ignore. I hate to say it but there is probably an OW involved. My DH did this to me nearly 2 years ago, left for one night, then came back, one minute everything was great and then he didn't love me anymore, finally left after refusing to go for counselling etc.

I was a complete wreck with 4DSs to care for, had no idea where H was staying or what he was doing. I couldn't function or eat etc. My family were great helping out with the kids, H's sister was wonderful too. Nobody could understand what had got into him or what he was up to, the DC were distraught. I ended up on diazepam to cope.

Anyway the long and short of it was I put two and two together and came up with the right answer (and he slipped up along the way ). Do some digging and try not to get involved in his "drama".

Surround yourself with much RL help as possible, try and arrange some counselling for yourself and your DC, do nice/fun things together however much you don't feel like it, treat yourself to some new clothes, hairstyle, manicure etc, in other words take really good care of yourself and above all get some legal advice.

My DH had a massive midlife crisis and fortunately came to his senses after 6 weeks with OW, we are finally coming through the other side but not without a lot of heartache etc.

Take care of yourself and your DC first and foremost.

I have been here. And looking back on that time i remember there literally being a mist over everything, I couldn't see clearly. Please please try not to contact him i thought it made the healing process so much quicker.
I can remember feeling like i might be able to finally leave the house with out the fear of bursting in to tears in inappropriate places after about 4 weeks.
But for god sake don't give your self a hard time there is no one way that should be followed to relieve a broken heart. And if you do feel that you need to phone him screaming, crying, whatever don't feel silly and like you've taken a step back.
You really have to think that if this man suddenly has no interest in his children its not personal the guy has just lost the plot.
Try to enjoy spending time with your children, if you an manage it take them out for dinner And do something for you, its no coincidence that people often make dramatic changes to there appearance etc after a split. It can actually help to get a hair cut, remember who you are with out him. G
You will be fine but it takes a long time and there is no qick fix.

Oh god I am so sorry to read your post lifeshock can I suggest that as well as your own thread that you post on the Chin Up Tits out thread. There are a couple of posters on there who have very similar situations going on right now as well as lots of us who have been through this

There is no way of describing the shattering pain and heartbreak to anyone who hasnt/isnt experiencing it and this thread is specifically for supporting that

Also don't torture your self looking for answers his behavior is not rational and in a way you would hope that you cant understand it because he has behaved horribly.

This may help you understand where he is at but don't get too wrapped up in him (my big error), look after yourself and be selfish like he is being. Please get some legal advice to protect you and the DC though. Get someone to go along with you if you feel you can't manage alone.

I got extremely angry as well when H did this, how could he do it to the DC ? and that anger did get me through seeing the solicitor when I found out about the OW. It doesn't mean divorce, it's just advice and it helps with coping knowing what he can and can't get away with IYSWIM.

Lifeshock, I really feel for you. The pain is pure torture but everything you describe is perfectly normal, unfortunately. When my xp left 7 months ago I had a month off work and I've just had a further 7 weeks but am going back this weekend. I felt life wasn't worth living at times. When things are this bad something has to give and you need to make sure it's not you. Work is NOT a priority. Your mental and physical health is paramount.

He is being cruel and distancing himself from you and the dc's because he can't bear to face himself and what he has done. He is being cowardly but it WILL catch up with him sooner or later.

Crying is a Good Thing. Don't fight it. Nobody died from pot noodles and chips. You are trying to juggle 100 balls when someone's just cut your hands off. The fact that you're getting your dc's to school is great. It's more than he is doing, isn't it?

Not eating or sleeping is also normal given that you are still in shock. I've lost nearly 3 stone in 7 months. BUT it does get better, slowly. Please allow yopurself to feel whatever you need to feel. It is ok to be sad/angry/depressed/distraught.

Please don't think he is having a wonderful life either. He isn't. He's living a fantasy life and not facing reality. It is not sustainable.

Get some legal advice re money and apply for any benefits, council tax discount you are entitled to.

Thinking of you x

Thankyou so much for all your kind words and advice

I can only echo what every one else has said..I recently went through similiar..back in September when youngest DC was 6 months..H announced he didnt love me..marriage was over..turned out he was having not one but two emotional affairs.

Surround yourself with people who care, get advice on potential benefits, money etc..

You can and will get through this

How are you doing/feeling this weekend Lifeshock ?

very up and down. Had a really crap day yesterday. The kids were really quiet and sad and I was too. Tried to go to a family party but even writing a birthday card and leaving out my husbands name was so hard.
We left after an hour as everyone seemed to be in couples/happy families. I even have to turn the telly over when I see a family looking happy on it.

Do people in RL know what is happening ?

I know it's hard (and believe me I went to pieces) but treating yourself to a little shopping spree (you and the DC) does help a little. I even bought myself some flowers .

I remember arranging days out with the younger DC just so we were stuck indoors if that makes sense. My oldest DS who was 16 at the time, took things very badly, he felt he had to take on the "mans" role in the family, protecting me and the younger DC. He let his dad know in no uncertain terms what he thought of him..... It has taken my DH a long time to rebuilt that relationship.

Take time to have long bubble baths etc. Anything to give you a little lift. My Dsis gave the book "Watermelons" by Marion Keyes to read - it was about a woman who was abandoned by her H the day after she gave birth. Sounds awful but it was funny and uplifting.

One day at a time (I even phoned the Samaritans at 2.00am one night as I felt so low).

Take care.

Hi lifeshock just wanted to say 'hello'.

Do you think your h is having a mid life crisis? If you think he is, I don't think you have any choice but to leave him to get on with it. My h is a walking MLC cliche and there is nothing I can do do make him see the damage he has done to us.

I know how painful it is for you - I think we have to believe other ladies on here who have suddenly found themselves dumped and know that the pain will gradually ease and we have to live though it to get to the other side.

He has thrown everything away. His family, his relationship with his parents, his friends who he never sees anymore. He just sits in all day smoking and drinking. There is something very wrong with him but there is nothing I can do to help him. Have to just try to force him to contact the children and have some kind of input in their lives.
I know I will start to feel better soon, just wish life was like a video and I could fast forward the next few weeks/months

You are right: there is nothing you can do to help him. And even if there was you should be using that energy on yourself and your dc. You cannot fast forward your life. Indeed, it will feel like you are in slow motion at times and it is very painful. Which is why you need to take your thoughts away from him and concentrate on yourself. Stop letting him live in your brain rent free. Do it 5 minutes at a time at first. You will get through this.