Is this normal following separation or am I losing my mind?

[wonderingifthisisit]

I posted last year about my marriage, and a number of you were very helpful. I attributed our problems at the time to my husband being "emotionally distant". He might well be, but as it turned out, it was much simpler. He didn't care about me, didn't care about saving our marriage (although he wouldn't leave - I had to force him to do that) and the past few years of being treated with cold indifference has left me a complete mess.

I know there is a process to go through, like grief, but I can't work out how much what I am feeling is just normal and how much I am now totally messed up and, if so, what kind of help I need.

I have become incredibly anxious over the past year or so. Specifically about seeing people I know, extended family etc. I dislike walking down the street (it's a small area where I live - I see people I know all the time). I dislike leaving the house. But I have two children so obviously need to, and do so when I can't avoid it. But this has contributed a lot to me gaining weight as I feel too selfconscious to go for a walk or a swim. Which obviously has a compounding effect. But the anxiety came before the weight gain, IYKWIM.

At the same time, other people see me as very assertive and self confident. I quit my job which had left me very isolated (and was contributing to my anxiety) and am about to start a new one which is actually very senior. I am studying and doing well. I have many friends and when I force myself to leave the house, I engage and laugh and, well, I guess I hide it.

I think the anxiety stems from the fact that I am incredibly embarrassed of the fact that my marriage breakdown confirms what I have always known - I am unloveable. I feel stupid for writing that. I do know I have people in my life who care for me (my parents, siblings, friends) but I'm just not loveable and I feel incredibly selfconscious about this. And while I could hide behind a rubbish marriage before (see? someone must love me, I'm married), now it's all out in the open.

I think I've done really well to survive the last few years of my marriage and to ensure stability for my kids, and to maintain a career and friendships. But those apparently closest to me, my husband through this time, my parents etc say nothing positive about those things, and in fact thought they would just point I had got fat, in case I hadn't noticed. And all thought I should stay in my job, because what else would I do?

My parents always described me as a child who didn't like hugs. I don't know if that's true, but it became a truth in our family. My exH never said nice things about my appearance, or any nice things about me at all, except my intellect. I don't think I have any accurate reflection of my self, my worth, my appearance etc.

Am I completely screwed up? Or just suffering the normal lapse in confidence after a lousy marriage and then separation? Do I just need time? Or professional help? If so, what kind?

wondering - well done for sacking the family event - a good idea in your current state, and also because you are working through some pretty important stuff at the moment and your family could adversely impact on that.

You know that old saying "Discretion is the better part of valour" - well that covers what you did today by not going. "Coward" is the wrong word entirely and you must discard that opinion of your choice today!

So glad your DD is responding well to your change of approach with her - it will make it much easier for you to keep it up. :)

witii you sound a lot like me in many ways. You are a clever high achiever who presents a confident face to the world and appears to have all the advantages. But inside there is an insecure little person who doesn't believe her own publicity.

Accepting that flawed and anxious inner self and letting her out in public to be scared and inadequate is quite challenging. Avoiding family events which might be too difficult is a good idea until you feel stronger.

It is also okay to feel sad, embarrassed or inadequate and to tell people that is how you feel! I have found in the main that they respond with warmth and kindness and my relationships with others have improved hugely as they find me more approachable when I admit weakness.

This is a very hard path to follow but the rewards are great. I really want to find the authentic version of me that is gentle with loved ones and bends graciously in adversity.

OP, you sound lovely to me! Not much more to add than what the others have said.

K

I'm a bit stunned by how much you've all changed my thinking on this in such a short space of time. Thank you again.
I had thought I was scared to see people because I was anxious and perhaps going nuts and they would see that.
Instead, I see I'm anxious because seeing people opens up the possibility they see the real me and because of everything that has been happening in my life, that real me is looking less and less like the assertive and successful persona I choose to display. I can't maintain the facade anymore.
I am scared of showing people the real me. The attempts I have made to do so - with my parents and my entire marriage both resulted in complete rejection.
But from what you're saying that might say more about them than it does about me.
I am floored by the possibility of being able to be me. At the moment I have to stay home alone to do so. Thank you.

what you're facing is hard OP, but you're doing it. you sound lovely.

I felt unloveable when my marriage ended. but I left my husband! so I think it may be par for the course in some ways. I genuinely thought it was impossible for anyone to love me, impossible to be loved. your ex sounds unbelievably cruel and cold. I'm not surprised you are struggling in the wake of such a deeply hurtful marriage.

I also had a very painful and damaging marriage. After I left it I went in to therapy bcs I had to make some sense of why it had been such a disaster. Before therapy, I thought my family were pretty average.. but, although it was a challenging road, I gradually learnt that that wasn't the case and that I had been deeply hurt and damaged in my childhood. It was no wonder I chose someone to marry who hurt me so much: it was what I was used to, what I thought love was.

the mind/psyche strives for health and makes a fuss when things don't sit right - yours is probably playing merry hell bcs the things that have happened to you aren't making sense. That is that you are loveable, yet the things that have happened to you have strongly suggested you aren't, to the point that you are beginning to believe it (and have probably believed it for a long time, underneath). You may find that the things that have been put on you didn't belong to you (eg your cruel husband) but you've had it from the key people/relationships in your life and don't know any different.

btw I also found that after my marriage ended I put on a lot of weight. I was almost palpably conscious that I did it to protect myself re I had to put a cushion between me and the world; also wanted to be invisible, sexually unavailable. (I'm not suggesting you've done any of that, but that's what happened with me.) I also struggled to go out and had to really brace myself, often not succeeding. A lot of it is shame btw - a vile thing that burrows down as the result of a damaging time.

I'm sorry you are facing such difficult and painful things Wondering - though I have to say that facing them is less painful than not if that makes sense. at least it's clean pain iyswim (which is no comfort sometimes when NO pain is the ideal!) I wish you all the best ((hugs)) xx

Thank you humanheart. Your story very heartening and I really appreciate your thoughts. You sound like you're doing so well. I have re-read your response many times. Your comments about shame really rang true.
Coincidentally, an old friend rang this afternoon specifically to get me to talk about how I am doing. He also, straight away, pointed out how unsupportive my patents are. It was refreshing to talk openly and I don't think I could have done it only 2 days ago. Thank you all.

OK this is personal so please don't out me if you recognize me.

Personally you could have been me last year, I am a year down the line from you.

And whilst I agree with much of what thumbdabwitch says I do want to caution you about NLP.

I have had 2 very negative experiences of it (not through my own choice but via well-meaning but manipulative people becoming involved with my marriage / fiancee (yes 2 different ones I really have to pick a stronger more intelligent and loyal bloke next time) for reasons other than my best interests. Both times a lot of incorrect bollocks was talked.

Like I was talking to NLP 'friend' of XDH about a woman I had interviewed who had seen her husband beheaded in front of her and lost her kids during a massacre somewhere Africa, and how amazing and humbling it was that she had forgiven the perpetrator and he asked "now how do you re-frame her experience in a positive way!"

Point is whilst I do believe it has some minor uses it is not a panacea for every situation. And I have met some very intelligent and formally QUALIFIED shrink/ proper counsellor mates who have said that at the deeper levels some of the psychology is flawed, the application is unprofessional etc. Some have even described it as cult-like.

In my case both times it has caused a lot of pain for all concerned and having seen my ex-partners subsequently I do not believe it has helped either. Both had the same / worse issues than before. It is very focussed on self-interest.

In both cases it has really wouldn't bother. If you feel you need it I would go to a proper qualified counsellor (who will be able to select appropriate techniques from the good bits of NLP and other systems.) But I think your life will get better now you have ditched your old job and your hopeless bloke has left.

It does get better, I am now a single mum and sadly not yet working yet, but working on it. My family is still fucked up, I'm skint and my life is far from sorted.

But my daughter is secure and happy, adversity has taught me I have some great friends (and I have made new ones), I have a strong faith, am qualified, and I have lost a stone and a bit without trying diets / exercise since March and though I am not looking / ready for a relationship (technically I'm still married) yet I texted one of my best friends last night to say WTF as I suddenly have men flocking around.

You sound like a very intelligent and lovely woman to me. You probably attract a lot of jealousy from people less bright and with narrower horizons. Engage any help you can, steer away from / limit contact with people that deplete you. Regroup, cut yourself some slack, have a massage / see old friends / have a party (find something to focus on / work towards / feed your brain, if that involves meeting other people even better.)

This is a temporary situation. It will pass. Hang in there.

While I don't at all want to get into a pro/anti-NLP debate with anyone, I have to agree that it is important to be careful as to what sort of NLP therapist you see. For e.g. - I know of a "lifecoach" who did her NLP training as a single module in her business degree - she was utterly dangerous (rather like the people querelous mentions).
Hence I don't recommend life coaches.
I also strongly advise anyone to check where the training was done - INLPTA accredited training is top standard; whereas there may be people who have done other mass trainings who set up shop with a very limited basis.

Many NLP therapists use it in conjunction with hypnotherapy as there are crossovers between the two therapies.

I agree there are some people who take it to cult-like status - but there are many practitioners who use it wisely and effectively.

It's a bit like banks and financial advisors, I think - there are good and bad stories to be had from everyone - but that doesn't necessarily make them inherently bad, just make sure you do some background checking on their qualifications.

And in the end - not every type of therapy suits every person - you have to find one that works for YOU.

Agreed, but actually the first of my bad experiences was with a "Grand Master". Who was employed as a consultant by a very well-known investment bank.

so glad your rl friend is there for you wondering - makes all the difference. so good to be real with someone who cares eh.

have to agree about NLP. although some mental refaming is essential, imo it comes secondary to facing and unpacking (preferably with a professional) some very painful stuff, which takes time and is experienced, and is not primarily a mental process. people have likened the 'unpacking' to grieving (and there is a grieving process to go through - for what you have lost, what you didn't have). At those (essential) times one needs to be 'held', not reprogrammed. the new, healthier, validating, thoughts come, with some nudging sometimes, as a result of the natural process of grieving. imo. the poor woman who lost her husband and children is a 'good' example that no amount of 'positive thinking' can circumvent the grieving process she has to go through - and will, naturally. Grieving - of any kind - has some difficult, sometimes temporarily chaotic, but vital, passages that have to be passed through to get to the other side.

Well put humanheart.