I have messed everything up

[LosingEverything]

Background - I was a victim of DV for 5 years by my sons dad, he used to use violence against me on a regular basis, I put an end to it when he hurt my DC.

I met my DP nearly a year ago and he has been everything I could want in a man, but recently (the last week or so) I have been treating him so badly and I just can't see a way out.
Last week we had an argument and in the heat of the moment I grabbed his phone and threw it outside. When he went past me to get it I thought he was coming for me and I thought I was in for it (I would have been with XP) and just grabbed the nearest part of him and bit it. Once I had bit him I didn't want to let it go because I was afraid he would hurt me, he ended up with a huge bruise. He never retaliated.
Then the night before last I just went crazy and lost it, I ended up throwing loads of things at him and hitting him with whatever I could lay my hands on. It ended up with him restraining me and calling me a crazy bitch (I was being)
The next day (yesterday) after I went to work he dropped the DC at nursery, packed his clothes and left.
It's my own fault.
I don't know why I did this, why do i insist on pushing him away, he has put up with so much from me. He deserves so much more.
I am afraid I have lost him, but in a weird way, if he has gone for good, glad I can't hurt him any more.

I have probably lost him already, but I'm going to book in a session with relate, and hope he comes

I'm sorry. What you need to do is leave him out of the equation for the time being.

You need to get yourself sorted.

Go to the GP and ask for some urgent counselling. This is a start; it won't be enough. But let your ex know that you are sorry, you recognise that you behaved reprehensibly and you are glad you cannot hurt him and want him to stay away at least for the time being as you realise you have got some major problems.

Do not ask him to forgive you, or to come back - he would be mad to at this stage.

You need to sort out what made you behave in this way - or rather what stopped you stopping yourself.

Good luck. This is for you to sort out, not him - and he did the right thing, it shows he is healthy and has self respect.

Maybe one day when you are capable of restraining your anger you might get another chance with him, or someone else like him.

I love him so much, I can't believe I have treated him like XP treated me. I had a year of couneslling following our break-up.
I thought I was ok.
But I'm not.
I'm broken.
What have I done??!!

You recognise you have acted really badly. Don't try and get him back, set him free if you really care about him.

You obviously need some time without a relationship and probably some more counselling or therapy in order to sort this out. You can be fixed. But it will take time and commitment.

See if you can access some longer term therapy - maybe in a group - this can be helpful.

Don't try and get your ex to come back or come to relate with you, this isn't his problem and he has good boundaries. He's doing what any sane person would do, in protecting himself.

This is about you and you will survive without a relationship. Trust me. You don't need him. You have to be able to stand alone before you can be with someone else.

Were you attacked as a child in a similar way? Often we choose a violent relationship when it seems familiar. This could be at the root of your issues.

My parents have never been violent to me, except once when my dad slapped me in the face. I was an adult then though.
I used to get bullied/beaten up a lot at school, but that is the only violence I experience before XP. But he was the only relationship I have really had.

The NHS will only offer 6 sessions, so I need to find somewhere I can access counselling at as little cost as possible because I just don't think 6 sessions will fix me.

I have hurt the only man that has ever treated me well, the only one I have really trusted, and the only one who understood the hurt I went through with DP.

My DC loved him to pieces, and when I break the news it is going to break their heart.

I have been so stupid

I understand how you feel. It must be horrible - but all you can do is start taking steps to sort yourself out.

Once you have begun you won't feel so dreadful...you'll be on the right track.

If you get referred to mental health services by your GP, they will offer you longer term help - therapy is different to counselling. It usually goes on for 6 months to three years, depending on the type.

It has the potential to change you - counselling enables you to cope, but therapy can actually make your life different.

Go and see the GP today and ask to be referred; you might have to tell him/her what happened in order to get pushed up the waiting list.

Best of luck, you can do this. You're not a lost cause

Thank you, it means so much that someone believes in me.

I will change, if not I will just stay single and concentrate on trying to not mess up the DC.

Thank you

No worries. Just know you're doing the right thing...you can hold your head up. We're all screwed up to some extent - it's what we do about it that matters.

Agree with ingrid. The NHS does offer therapy which is more than 6 weeks long.

Losing it is possible to change. I was abusing my DH both verbally and with minor physical things, door slamming and throwing things. I have moved out, and gone to psychotherapy for 16 months.

I am no longer the angry hot tempered person he was married to for 20 years. And I have uncovered a hurt little person who lashed out in self defence. But I don't trust myself to live with anybody yet. It is a long journey!

Be brave and decide you want to change for your own sake and the sake of your DC. If your DP loves you he will support you.

I do want to change :(
The night it happened I actually wet the bed
And then the next morning i asked him not to sleep in the bed (I work early mornings and he had slept on the sofa) I think he thought I was just being a control freak but I was too embarrassed to tell him.
I have told my parents everything (last night) and they want to help, DP as well as me to put a stop to this.

All the Dr will do is put me on the injection or anti depressants :(

So lets just mask the issue and not get to the roots of it, eh?

DP (DXP?) still isn't talking to me :(

Can you send him a link to this thread - he might understand how confused you are at the moment and be willing to try again.

Give him a chance to understand.

See another doctor. Seriously - CBT is the preferred/recommended treatment for mental health issues such as this, NOT anti depressants.

Did you wet the bed because you were drunk? If alcohol is bringing these behaviours out that's one trigger you can avoid.

He did refer me to www.moodgym.org but he said they just don't have the facilities where we live (in the sticks) for anything else, they do have counselling facilities, I went there before because to start with when I was with my violent ex I thought it might be me (that's how he always made it out to be) and all they did was give me self help sheets.

For proper counselling after the relationship I had to go to my local childrens centre, they were really great, but the lady that saw me has now left :(

And no, I hadn't drunk any alcohol at all, I just don't understand why it happened

Losing, there are counselling charities that offer free or low cost counselling - is this something you would consider? The NHS probably won't be able to offer what you need and where I live mental health teams often refer to counselling charities. Whereabouts in the country do you live?

M heart goes out to you. YOu need to do some internet searching, and if you ring one of the women's helplines, they will know where to refer you - there is free counselling available quickly in most areas - here's a place you can start:
www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Resources/helplines.htm

really sorry to hear of your situation but it sounds like you have become part of the cycle of abuse. just as abusers often pinpoint their abused / troubled past as an explanation (or excuse depending on your view), you are doing the same.

you need to take responsiblity for your actions. until you can do so you are not safe to be around and it would be best for your partner to move out before it become really ugly imho.

he's already going to be starting to internalise this behaviour - developing the treading on eggshells thinking / losing fight or flight response etc. it's not good and not something to do to someone you love.

You might find it helpful to contact this lot as they may be able to guide you to a type of counselling that will help you sort out your anger issues.

As to your DP, please leave him alone for the moment. He is not obliged to forgive you, come back to you or have any contact with you if he doesn't want to. He is going to need time and space to recover: hopefully he won't press charges against you.

You know that you will not hurt anyone while you are not in a relationship. So don't panic.
There's clearly something going on for you deep down which needs working through with therapy.
A psychotherapist would be right for you I think. most offer a sliding scale but it can be quite expensive if you're on a limited income - forgive me, I don't want to assume what your budget might be, so if you can, look into getting a private therapist.

You'll want someone registered with the appropriate governing body, I can't remember it right now but look through the yellow pages under therapy or counselling. There will be various acreditations listed.

It doesn't sound as though you have ever been violent before, this was out of character for you - so please don't be too hard on yourself. I'm sure your ex was the perpetrator - whether part of you wanted a violent relationship for some reason, it's hard to tell, but you were strong enough to move on from that which tells me you are quite a strong person and would do well with some therapy.

I think time is a big, big healer - for me it has been, anyway, you do change naturally over time, therapy speeds it up but it can happen if you actively seek to become better and don't tell yourself that your behaviour is fine - you've admitted it wasn't and that's a massive step. Many people wouldn't admit that. It's so painful.

Books are good. I think if there's nothing available locally then some proper psychoanalytic books might really get you started. Forget the CBT for now (it's not the best thing for this sort of issue, really, but recommended for depression so easier to get on the NHS iyswim) and concentrate on some deeper stuff. Go to your nearest bookshop and browse - anything which strikes a chord, give it a go.
You can do this by yourself if you really want to.
Don't despair. There are a lot of us out here who have lost loved ones through our own faults, and it's a horrid thing to feel, but it's almost universal - no one is perfect and you're aware of your problems and want to do something about them.

Bloody good on you.

Sorry, confusing the two exes - the violent one probably was violent, even if he blamed you - that's what I meant. It doesn't sound like the most recent one has been abusive to you.

I am sorry for what has happened. You have clearly been damaged by what your ex did to you. It often takes a long time to process and come to terms with trauma like that. Perhaps you were subconsciously trying to provoke him into hurting you so that you could abandon the scary trust you had in him. Or maybe you are taking your anger with the previous guy out in him. Whatever it is you have made a terrible mistake. You should write to him and tell him that, and that you are going to try and get fixed and are better off alone for now. He deserves an apology and to know that you accept responsibility for it all (unlike your ex who tried to blame you)