Do you monitor/try and change your partner's drinking?

[windowsonthemind]

I am wondering about this and would really appreciate hearing what other people do and what people consider reasonable. I wondered if it was more a question in the health section - not sure if it's a relationship issue as such, but here goes...

My DH and I used to be fairly heavy drinkers in the past. We would socialise and drink a fair amount seperately and together as a couple before we had children. We loved this lifestyle, both worked full-time and had a 'work hard/play hard' mentality.

When we started trying to conceive I stopped drinking heavily and have never returned - that was 11 years ago. I was lucky enough to be able to just stop - stopped smoking too and it didn't bother me.

My DH still really enjoys drinking but I worry about the health effects and damage it will be doing especially as he is now nearing 50. A few years ago I used to go onto him about it a lot and he got pissed off with me and our relationship deteriorated. So I then tried stepping back and just took the attitude that it is his health, his liver and if he wants to mess it up, then that's up to him. But I can't stick to this as I see him drinking and I worry.

I mentioned it to him recently and used the Government units of 21 a week for a man as reason for my concern. He just brushed this off and said that they're always changing the recommended levels so they don't mean anything anyway and I should relax about it.

So, do I try relaxing a bit harder ! or make an 'issue' of it and risk winding myself and him up further?

BTW, some weeks he drinks 4-5 evenings in the week, maybe half a bottle of wine or a few whiskeys, other weeks he drinks every night but still only half a bottle/or few whiskeys and then has a night once a month or so when he has substantially more, a lot more. So he doesn't drink masses but I don't think it's that healthy, I think his sleep is affected when he has been drinking and he is overweight. On the plus side he goes to the gym 2 or 3 times a week and eats reasonably healthily. I feel a bit hypocritical to make an issue of it as I used to drink so much myself, and it seems a bit unfair on him just because I have gone all healthy, that he should have to follow suit, but we haven't grown together on this one and I wish we had.

Hi newname,

re your comment:-

"Attila - Do you think I'm deeply in denial? (it's a genuine question) H is drinking much less these days but it is something that is on my mind fairly often. I still feel a bit anxious when he arrives back with a bottle of wine for fear that he will get drunk and beligerent (spelling)".

I don't think you're in denial of this but many of the men on this thread certainly are. If it is a problem to you it therefore is and it could well be affecting your day to day life as a result. Children do pick up on all this as well, fact is too it does them no favours at all to have a drunkard parent within their home.

Newname - what's the longest period of time he has gone without any alcohol?.

Do not drink alcohol with him at all and on any occasion. Make your home an alcohol free one.

I would urge you to talk to Al-anon and read their literature (and attend a meeting if at all possible). They are there for family members of problem drinkers. You may find their support invaluable. Alcoholism does not just affect the alcoholic, it is and becomes a family problem. The whole family need help and support.

BTW how many people know about your Hs alcohol problem?. Find someone to talk to (Al-anon is a good start) and get this out into the open. Alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy.

It's interesting to see that a lot of others have the same experiences as I do, re: not being able to keep alcohol in the house, partner getting agitated when there's no alcohol available etc. My DP will invariably make any lame excuse to go out in the evening if we've not had any alcohol during the day. It's a really transparent excuse to stop somewhere for alcohol.

I live in a place where drinking is the norm, where most people drink a lot and where I know many people who have been in car accidents while drunk etc etc.

Part of the problem is that DP is a volunteer for a group that are known for their heavy drinking, and even among them he's known for his drinking. He refuses to give it up, even though it badly affects us financially. e.g. he'll often not go to work etc. to do things with this group.

Attila - he might very rarely go for a week or so without drinking. The last time he couldn't drink for a week was when he was taking strong antibiotics. I had to put up with moaning about now being able to drink etc. It was during this time we had a serious chat. I told him that if he felt it was that difficult to not drink for a week then he really must have a problem. That put an end to the moaning fairly swiftly.
I have spoken to my therapist, 2 friends and a brother about it. Not my parents.
I think the fact that H is in therapy himself is helping here as he is taking the time to think about how his mother's alcoholism affected him (re. our own children).

newname,

Alcoholism as well can sometimes be learnt behaviour (H's mother's alcoholism).

What was your H's response to your chat?. If he cannot go without drinking for more than a week then I would also argue he has a serious drink problem.

Please do talk to Al-anon; they can help you too.

What has your therapist suggested?. Does she feel that your H's primary relationship is with drink?.

Do you feel your H really wants to address this though or is he really all talk and no action?. Not just to mention their innate denial and selfishness that these people often display towards their loved ones.

You are not responsible for him; only your own self and any children you have.
There are no guarantees here re alcoholism - he could go onto lose everything and still choose to drink. Again you are not responsible for him here.

Would you be prepared to walk away from him ultimately?.

Atilla - I find your posts really interesting but some of your comments take me by surprise. Do you come to this with experience of dealing with a problem drinker? It sounds as though you have a huge amount of expertise in this area so i suppose I'm wondering if it's personal or professional.

Your comment about clearing the house of alcohol was one that took me by surprise. That sounds really drastic. I like a drink when I feel like it, I like to offer people visiting a drink and I'm happy with my partner having moderate amounts. But drinking every day must be terrible for health reasons as well as addiction tithe habit if not the physiological dependence.

I accept that enabling behaviours might let someone off taking full responsibility for the consequences but it is hard to NOT ENABLE as all family then suffers. I.e. If I let my DH sleep in after a session, the day is calmer as he has slept off his hangover but this is enabling. If I don't enable in this example, me and the kids have to put up with a grumpy guy looking like a wet weekend. And nowadays a hangover from a full on session (which might only be monthly) lasts 2 days.

Sorry, I just realised I gave that example twice - of the dilemma over a lie in after a session - getting absent minded!

It is on my mind though as we're out for dinner on Saturday and already I'm planning Sunday morning, as in - will we all go out for a walk/bike ride early sunday morning which me and the kids would like, but we risk my Dh being cranky, or will we have a slobby morning with PJs & TV which would help DH sleep off hangover, but leave kids bouncing off walls and me feeling resentful - as will me taking them out on my own so he sleeps. I get mighty pissed off with that option.

Thanks Attila,

H and I are having separate therapy, my therapist would never make an assumption about H and his drinking iykwim.
She understands that this is something that worries me. It's been very helpful in terms of giving me confidence to articulate how I feel about H's drinking.
On top of everything my own upbringing unfortunately has given me a kind of 'grin and bear it' mentality.
H has been abusive towards me while drunk (verbally, and very occasionally physically), and he has made our family life almost unbearable when he was in his heavy drinking phase. Because this has stopped, I suppose I feel that ultimately that crisis part of our relationship is past.
However - H still has problems drinking too much whenever we socialise - thus it is something we/he does infrequently. So it is something that is still there really.
WIndowsonthemind - I understand exactly what you mean re.sunday morning.