Just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel!

[clarkland]

Sorry to offload on here but I am 8 weeks away from my due date and feeling a little stressed!
My partner and I have a lovely little girl (2) and another on the way. We have both been previously married. Fortunately for me it was a clean break and realtively painless. He, on the other hand, has a very aggressive and demanding ex and a daughter from that marriage (8). It's a complex situation and their divorce was very messy. My partner used to earn considerably more than he does now and when their original court arrangement his payment reflected this. She came out far better in the divorce gaining the house, and all the equity in it etc. (despite never contributing a penny towards it's purchase or upkeep). My DP did not contest this as he wanted his daughter to remain where she was in the lifestyle she was accustomed to and at the school she was happy at. Years have past about 4 now and we have a daughter and another on the way. My DP no longer earns the wage he used to and his payment reduced after we had our little girl.
Anyway, leaving his other daughter broke my partners heart and he has to battle that everyday. Until recently we had his daughter every other weekend and in school holidays. Now, since September, we both work at a boarding school and he works 6 days a week. Half term and Easter this year at our school do not coincide with his daughters this year and his ex has gone bonkers (she has always been on our case demanding money and calling the shots on when we should and shouldn't have his daughter!)She is demanding that he returns to his original payments (which we can not afford as I will be on maternity leave and he is less that half the money he was on a few years ago) and she is refusing to take his calls or let him see his daughter. She says that Sundays when he is not busy is just not good enough and he is a crap Dad and nothing to his daughter. All of this is just stressing me out.

We only see him one day a week as well unless it's the school hols and the Christmas hols we had his daughter for most of it! I am so sad about the whole thing and can't bear the effect that his ex is continuing to have on him. She is engaged to her new partner and has been for 3 years but she seems to want to continue to ounish and manipulate my partner and all this has an effect on me. I just don't feel like I am in control of my relationship at all. 2 days after my daughter was born his ex insisted that his other daughter came to stay so as 'not to feel left out' I was knackered, struggling to breast feed, a first time mum... need I say anymore and it really effected my relationship at the time because I couldn't rely on my partner to give me the support I needed. So here we go again and I just don't have the answers. I know that people with children from previous relationships have to acknowledge that but. What solution can we offer her? He can't give up his stable job to make more time anywhere else he can't work anymore. I can't take another battle with a 3rd party!! Help me please.x

Have you told your DH how you felt last time round?
You need to absolutely insist you get a formal access agreement drawn up that you can live with and that your DH & his ex stick to it. You might need to do this through a solicitor if communication with x is strained.
Be totally firm and get it in place in the next 8 weeks. Discuss what you want to happen round the time of the birth. Write it down and makes sure your DH is clear about it and on board. Then relax and enjoy this special time!
Good luck.

Thanks, as I sit here sobbing I know your right but I just don't know if I have the energy to be involved in any of this anymore! I did tell him how I felt and how I don't want the same thing this time around, but when it comes down to it his other daughter is only 8 and it's hard for her to understand all this adult stuff and so it's me that seems to have to compromise each time and maybe rightly so but I'm slowly getting more anxious and low about everything and it's not even my battle.

Sorry to be unsympathetic, I can see you are very stressed. But you say: ' Years have past about 4 now and we have a daughter and another on the way. My DP no longer earns the wage he used to and his payment reduced after we had our little girl'.

So the ex wife has a child who was 4 when your dp left, and is still only 8. She expected a certain level of maintenance, and contact between father and child. She is almost certainly questioning the apparently coincidental timing of reduction in both financial support and time with first child, and arrival of second family. Maybe the 8 year old is upset at her dad seeing her less and having other loyalties, and mum is having to deal with that.

You probably do need to extend a warm welcome to the 8 year old. There are going to be 3 siblings who need a relationship. And you have to offer the ex wife what you can, be fair, and stick to it (instead of making any further reductions)

I wonder if you antagonise her, from your tone about not contributing a penny to the house. Lots of stay at home mums don't earn anything.

She was part of the picture when you got together, and will always be.

Sorry. Good luck with the new dc.

you sound at the end of your tether OP. i'm sorry it's so hard for you at the mo.

from what you say it sounds like dp's ex is bullying your oh and therefore your family. I don't think it was her decision to say that her/dp's dd shouldn't feel 'left out' when you had your first baby. she seems to be manipulating your oh's guilt about leaving his child.

if she is engaged then, please God, she'll be married soon, when the financial situation changes substantially. your dp will no longer have to pay her maintenance, only his daughter. it sounds like an access order isn't in place, which it should be (asap - why not before?) to protect oh's dd and oh (therefore you and your family) and to stop ex using their dd to manipulate him by refusing access. a full financial disclosure should be part of it - has that been done? btw, why is oh's income half what it was? I only ask bcs some men downsize career in order to get out of substantial maintenance payments. i'm not suggesting dp is one of them but such a big drop in income is unusual...

I agree with the last poster that you seem to be angry with dp's ex (not surprising!) enough that it spills over into thinking she had no right to the spoils she walked away with from the marriage. even though she may not have worked and contributed financially to the home, her contribution to the home is recognised by law (as it should be). I don't know the details, though you say your dp was generous (out of guilt?).

whatever way, you are clearly suffering a lot bcs of all this and you have to find a way to protect yourself from what has been going on. can you both have couples' counselling to address this - though I appreciate that 8 weeks to go until the birth is not an ideal time to start therapy. everything seems to have reached a pitch.. can you go to stay with someone for a while to get out of the war zone and get some peace and collect your thoughts a bit? you need some tlc by the sound of it. i'm sorry it's all so difficult.

helicopterview thanks for your reply. I understand all that you say in your post. it's a little more complex than that. DP's ex has never worked even prior to having children. My DP fully accepts his responsibilities and his DD (8) has always been welcome and had a fully inclusive relationship with her little sister. Payments reduced because they just had to. My partner was self employed and on a 2 year contract. He now is full time permanent (a sensible move in the long term in the current economic climate)but his wage is much reduced because of it. I went back to work full time after having our daughter to help support him because of the financial commitments he totally accepts are rightly due to his daughter. We also need to pay for a house and full time child care for our child while we work full time. His ex wife has been engaged and living with her new partner for over 3 years a\nd while I appreciate she expects a certain level of maintenance we are also entitled to live and support our children. What he pays is fair and above recommended by any agency and was agreed between them when we had our daughter. I also understand that his daughter misses the contact with him but he works 6 days a week, that means he doesn't see us either!!!!!! We had his daughter for nearly all of the Christmas holidays (3 and a half weeks) so I refused to be accused of not extending a welcome arm. She has her own room here and all her own things. Her mum refuses to bring her here, he always has to collect and it's a 2 hour round trip! The last 2 sundays (the only 2 we have off this month due to boarding duties at work)when my DP has asked to see his daughter his ex has refused saying it's not good enough. He works until 9/10pm mon-thurs, 6pm on Saturdays. What more can he offer her?????? I know it's messy when marriages break up but he is also entitled to a life and he works bloody hard and loves his daughter and he shouldn't be punished for ever because he made the right decision to leave an aggressive marriage (not on his part) that was filled with arguements that were affecting his little girl! I don't get involved with them because it's their battle and it is still as ugly now as it was 4 years ago. His ex is not alone, she got engaged to her new partner the day my DP and her settled out of court and she was given everything, marital home, savings (over £300,000 equity in the house). He is a grown man who has had to start again with nothing, something we have worked hard to do while fulfilling his commitments to his daughter. For the record he would have his daughter (8) everyday if he could and would love her to live with us but somethings just aren't possible! We can't find what we haven't got and your right there will be 3 siblings to consider 2 of which will only have what we have to offer and who will have full time working parents who cannot afford to not work and give them time I would love to share with my children. The other has 2 homes, future financial security, 2 families looking out for her and loving her.