Please talk to me about your happy marriages

[elizadoestoomuch]

I'm interested to hear about how your relationships work. I'm so frustrated with mine at the moment but I don't know if its just me being a PITA and expecting too much or if I have genuine problems.
I'm not talking about abusive relationships
What I would love to know are the small day to day details ie holidays: who decides them who books them? Social lives: who arranges them? Decorating/buying new furniture: how does this come up? Working out savings/where you want to be in 2/5/10 years time: who initiates that conversation?
How do you deal with the foibles in your relationship? Do you each have certain roles or is it more fluid? How do you deal with things when you get pissed off/feel taken for granted?
I absolutely love my DH but neither of us have had the best role models (his mum died when he was 10 & he was raised by a fairly cold Aunt) My parents marriage was abusive until my mum died when I was 16.
Its the day to day stuff I'm interested in and how you deal with it. Just so I know if I'm going mad or not.
Sorry so long and hope that makes sense.

Well, I'll start then -

Married nearly 26 years.

I normally decide on and book holidays - the exception being this year, DH has always been desperate to visit China so I let him choose the details, with the condition that I get to see the Pandas - I still booked it though.

He is happy to let me run our lives on a day to day basis, that probably stems back to when he was in the forces and away a lot.

We choose household stuff together mainly, I paint and he does the wall papering, there is lots of stuff that only he does / I do.

Social lives, either one of us will suggest things, if anything needs arranging it's generally me unless it's DH's work colleagues etc.

We are always discussing the future, I've probably got the next 10 years mapped out in my head, DH is happy if I'm happy tbh.

Of course we get on one another's nerves at times but it's never got to a screaming match or him sleeping on the sofa or anything, we just acknowledge that we are never going to agree on absolutely everything, that's where compromise comes in, on both sides.

Is that the type of info you were after?

Yes thankyou Mal
DH always says that as long as I am happy then he is but I feel a huge responsibility because of that.
If you don't mind I would be interested what compromises you have made/let things that annoy you go because in the bigger picture picture its not so important.

When you say you decide on and book holidays do you mean you present it to your H as a done deal? Dose that mean you pay or you have a joint account- do you decide months in advance what your budget is?
Sorry for such stupid questions but after chat with DH today I realise what shit examples we were set and it seems we are so desperate not repeat those that we are forever tiptoeing around each other.

We've always had a joint account from the very start, I don't book holidays without discussing it first but I usually choose and then point DH in the right direction . Finances are under my control, DH wouldn't have a clue how much is in the bank or what the bills are.
I am a bit of a control freak and have to make a concerted effort not to just take over, I get a bit carried away with planning and it drives him a bit batty, he makes far more allowances for me than vice-versa.

He's one of those people who can't just sit, he has to be doing something all the time and it can drive me mad sometimes, he's also a nightmare when he's ill , which is thankfully rare, but when he is it's usually major and he gets very grumpy.

I think though that after so many years, we know each other so well that we know when to back off and give each other some space.

been married 30 years now, since i was 18 and he was 21

we share everything, the housework, the dog walking, money (except i never do poo patrol and he never cleans the bathroom lol)

we have had bad time but the majority of them have been happy and we are looking forward to the next bit now, hopefully retiring early to a nice warm country in the next few years

we are quite alike in that neither of us likes conflict - i would hate to be with someone who argued about every little thing - and if we row one of us wont be too proud to say sorry afterwards

Hi, thought I'd chip in too, mines is quite a new relationship - 6 years, we are both older and I brought two children in to the relationship, he pretty much leaves all the finance up to me, (joint account) I organise the bills and tell him how much is disposable income, he takes money out the bank once a week and that is his "pocket" money, if he wants anymore he tells me how much extra he is taking and I factor that into our expenditure, we are both really sensible though and agree a sum of money to be put aside each month for car repairs/household stuff, anything over £30 is normally discussed, even if its a "oh, I'm planning on buying xx", we don't really disagree about anything.

I do all the cooking and cleaning, he does all the fixing, putting stuff up, garage and car related stuff. I normally decide where we are going on holiday, and if we can afford it, then mention it to him and then produce the brochures and before long he thinks that he's decided!! With being a wee bit older and not having young children we don't have the day to day strains that a young couple have so we rub along quite nicely, we appreciate each other and compromise if we do disagree. We don't really socialise much now, we quite like spending a most of time with each other (weird I know!!) but if there is something I normally arrange it but give him loads of notice and always make it something I know he will enjoy, if it is something that I know he will hate I take my sister, mother or daughter instead!!

Together for 14 years. DH works full time, I stay home, Home ed DCs and run a small business.

DH helps with all domestic work incl ironing, we share decorating and other practical tasks, although he always deals with the garden.

He deals with all the bills, I deal with my money and all money relating to the DCs and their education stuff, savings, pocket money, clothing, toys etc

I decide where any spare money is saved and spent, such as holidays and days out. I arrange everything social.

We argue quite a lot, usually over silly things and it is resolved easily and quickly.

He is more forgiving and makes greater sacrifices than me.

we have been together 15 years, married for 10, one dd 18 (dh has bought her up, he is her dad!) tbh, over the years we have kind of fallen in to a very 'traditional' way of living, i organise the house, always organised childcare, dh will do any job i ask him to do, but i do have to ask!, he cant 'see' dust or untidyiness!, mind you, i have never cleaned a car in my life!, or mowed the lawn or cleared up the cat tray!

dh deals with finances although i do know whats is going on with the bank account/savings etc and what we have coming in and going out.

large purchases we discuss and agree on, as in furniture/cars etc

now!, foibles, i have many odd ones that dh puts up with, with the paitence of a saint!

he has one or two that i have almost dealt with! he is the most generous of men, begrudges me and dd nothing but the cost of holidays horrify him!, every year (twice if im lucky) we have the most almighty wrangle over where we are going and how much it will cost - i ALWAYS get my own way! , he knows i will but we still have to have the wrangle!

i do think we rub along better as time goes on and we get older and just more tolerant and accecpting of each other and our faults.

been together 10 years, married for 9 with 2 kids DS aged 7 and DD aged 4.

i am currently on a career break so SAHM. I do most of the housework and he does the fixing and all that stuff.

he 'takes over' the kids when he gets back home from work and is pretty much hands on.

finance wise, he is self employed but we have a joint account for bills but i also get an allowance for my own 'no questions asked' things!

Ok my problem is that we don;t have a joint bank account so any improvements that need making I will have to go cap in hand to him. I've asked him if we can discuss finances so that we know how much is available to spend for birthdays/christmas/holidays/DIY but it never seems to happen. Likewise decorating: It is all left to me. Dh says he doesn't do DIY but my theory is that we could learn and at least have a laugh whilst doing doing it. But we don't have a laugh. Nothing is fun.
He adores our DC and would do anything for them but it is like fun is saved for a xpecial occasion. I love a house busy with friends etc, he doesn't seem to.
We are very much a static family whereas I would love to be more of doing family.
I told him today tht I don't think it will work, I want the kids to be able to have a laugh I want to socialise I want to dream I want to plan I want adventure. His response was that he can change. But thats like asking him to change his personality. I feel crap because he is such a decent person - he doesn't deserve to have his life blown to bits just because I'm dissatisfied. But I'm tired of feeling as tho I always have to drag him into doing things - theres no other way to describe it. He has money in the bank - why do we have a washing machine that doesn't work? A broken guttering? A house that is in desperate need of painting? An 8month old without a mattress? He tells me that I can go and get these things but I don't have 65k (unlike him!) in the bank!
We have 3 DC. I told him I will move out. The house is his, in his name (from a previous marriage) so I will walk away with nothing.

An 8 month old with no bed, no mattress and he has 65K in the bank, I'd take him to the cleaners! for every penny he owes.

We have been married nearly 20 years. We talk & talk & talk. Not much social life outside family as we are both home birds.

Everything gets discussed. I do detail planning, DH does broad concept and the practical side.

We agree on holidays together then I do the booking and the long range planning. DH does the practical stuff close to departure.

There is no his money or hers. We are a team so it is all 'our' money.

When I read out these types of threads to my DH he always asks 'why on earth dont they talk to each other?' so I pass that on.

eliza as far as the finances go we have compromised with our own separate accounts and also a joint account.
Dh puts a large chunk of his salary into the joint account through a direct debit and we mostly live on that. It deals with nearly all the bills, the food shop, the dcs club fees, clothes, shoes etc.
If we are planning a holiday we will discuss it together, look at options together and then generally pay for it on dh credit card as I don't have one.
This system works for us - he has money he feels he has some personal control over, I have my own pot that I control and we run the household from a shared pot. (I am a SAHM so I only contribute to the household pot if times are tight as my own pot doesn't refill as quickly as dh's)

Get your guttering sorted as soon as possible. I learnt the hard way with very expensive dry rot this summer. Caused by illmaintained guttering.

Please learn the lesson from me and not the hard way.

You are married, what's his is yours, get on the internet with his credit card and buy yourself a new washing machine and a mattress for your child!

Similarly, the house isn't "his", you live there too.

I can't reconcile this with my marriage, I'm afraid; we share everything. We've been together for 16 years and have 3 dcs. We have our own "roles" in the marriage - I do the cooking, he does the dcs' bedtimes, for example; but we agree on important financial/social/holiday decisions. We have a joint bank account; even though he earns a lot more than me I consider it "our" money and spend whatever's necessary to run the household.

We have the odd row - I'm a bit of a control freak sometimes, and he's a bit too laid-back - but I honestly believe we'll grow old together because we're a PARTNERSHIP. We never run out of things to talk about.

I don't see that in your posts, OP.

I HAVE been with DP almost 18 yrs.3 children and we both work. No joint bank account. He pays mortgage and bills, gas electric etc. I pay for food, some loans we have, all of the childrens clothes etc. I probably pay out more than him, but I have more personal committments.

Holidays i choose! Its my very favourite thing. We go to places I love but he likes too. He would chose them himself. I dont just go ahead though, the resort and hotel is a joint decision. To be though, he isn't too fussed so long and its warm and sunny and meets our needs. He trusts my decisions! That is usually paid for between us.Just read Jesus' post and to honest we have a bit of a wangle too, but I get my own way

Things in the house that need doing I usually suggest, and in fact, jobs that need doing, or things that need replacing he hardly notices. When I pull him about this he tell me that he doesnt suggest jobs being done or things being bought because we can't afford them.I suspect this is true and if we had loads of cash he would want lots of new stuff too.

I do mostly everything the house(my choice) as I am a bit old fashioned like that. We share chidcare due to work but I plan everything before I go. Down to sorting meals for everyone, kids clothes etc. He is more than capable, but I am a control freak. He will do anything that I ask though, he would just never think of it!

Socially I would say it could be either of us.

Oh and I initiate the conversations on EVERYTHING!lol

Arguments are usually caused me he is very easy going. Its mostly me bouncing around in a strop saying that he is taking the piss etc. usually I calm down and apologise. We have big rows now and again, proper big ones, but less so the longer we have been together.

The future we chat about in general. No big plans as such, but the children, we well thought out in advance. We chat in the way that we might say 'Oh imagine what it will be like when eldest ds is 18' and stuff like that i guess.No specifc plans.

Hi eliza

In answer to your previous question....I'm a SAHM, married nearly 10 years). We have a joint account which covers all joint house/child related expenditure and then we divvy up what's left over and split it between us (separate accounts from pre-children days). If there ever is any additional (DH sometimes gets a bonus) then I know about it although it does tend to stay in his account - at the moment we're inclined not to spend it, but we both know it's there if we need to get anything major done (like new balustrades for the stairs as DD2 keeps almost hurling herself through them!). I tend to run the joint account and day to day stuff but any 'capital expenditure' is a joint decision. On a daily basis, DH leaves at 6.30 most mornings, not home til 8 - 8.30, so I pretty much do all the domestic stuff - he helps on a weekend and cooks in the week, and does his own washing - he does more DIY stuff and things (am happy to paint and put up the odd shelf but it hasn't happened since DD1 turned up 3 years ago!). Holidays are joint decisions - bottle of wine and a good internet surf.

I do sometimes feel as if we've ended up in the 1950s and am not entirely sure how (never planned on being a SAHM)but it was a matter of simple economics for us - we couldn't both do over 12 hours a day out of the home with no family local, so one of us had to stop working and it was me as the lower earner. I do think DH is pretty fair though - he does acknowledge that what i do is work, which is nice. My view is that there's no way that he could have the job/salary he does and a family without me, so I do think we both contribute - although it's hard not to feel apologetic at times, particularly when talking to his family, who I'm sure think i live to shop (i wish!)

Sometimes I find it tough, am sure we both do, but the main thing is that we're sort of heading in the same direction. Neither of us are massive future planners.

was really sorry to read your latest post - it does sound bad that your 8MO doesn't have a mattress, but am guessing that there's enough that's kept you together this far.What worked for us was setting up a realistic monthly budget and having that in a joint account (- and make sure it's realistic, look at your annual expenditure (including hols, car tax/servicing etc) - we sorted that before moving house in 2008, to check we could afford to. If he has a problem letting go of 'his' money (!!), then he should be comfortable with an account he too can access/view. It also makes it much easier to keep track of household expenditure. The other point you might want to make, if you're not working and he is, is that he is paying tax on the £65k in his bank and it would be much better in your name....that's a big leap, but we're just about to make it. I have basically acquired a huge mass of brochures for different accounts and pointed out how much it could save us potentially. Have also pointed out to DH that I'm hardly likely to be able to do a moonlight flit with 2under-4s in tow!

The socialising etc. point is a different one - and i guess only you can say how important that is. And, more to the point, how you want your DC to view their home. My parents were similar - mum has always loved people around, dad just wanted family - they managed to compromise although it was contentious sometimes. And, funnily enough, has become so again, since they retired. I'm much more of a people person than DH, but we do have people over here and there - that is an element of compromise for us, we try to keep at least one weekend a month free, one not too busy, and maybe a big friend-y one once a month.

And on the other practical point...mathanxiety is spot on, no way you will walk away with nothing. So if that's the path you choose to take, then don't let that consideration worry you. You also sound as if you're strong enough to manage if you do decide to go - and we'd all love to support you.

Best of luck - keep us posted on how you do - sorry you're having a tough time and really hope you reach the right decision for you and your DC.

We talk a lot too.

We share too.

DH works looong hours/weeks/months with work. I am SAHM. 'His' money is all ours.

I am responsible for everything except the lawn and the money (unless he is away and then I have to, ). He does the money and bills and other boring niff naff. I have free rein with spending (no explaining)unless we are a bit tight near the and of the month and he'll just ask me to be a bit careful for a few days. He never queries what I buy but we generally confer about anything that costs more than £40ish. Any savings are in my name for tax like lacking says

He cooks at the weekend because he's better than me and he likes it. He'll sometime round up the laundry and he'll dry the clean washing too.

If I need physical help with any of 'my' jobs eg wallpapering/heavy gardening we do it together, have a slight disagreement, then end up laughing and chatting and being pleased with our efforts. (He just wants to get it done and I want to take too long but we know it's because time is precious to him and it's a never ending commodity to me).

Holidays, I start looking, we chat, he might have a wish list, he tells me the budget, or I say can we afford it, I look again at different places, come up with a short list, we'll chat, make a decision and I book it.

We both arrange social lives for ourselves, each other and together. We are freinds with a lot of other couples so it's easy for an occasion to arise when I might say "Oh DH would love to do that, can he come with you" to a friends DH, that he knows.

Our biggest issue is that he has to work too much. He feels guilty. I get pissed off. He gets angry. I cry. We are trying to get to the same place but get frustrated. Our rows are finished that day. We go away from each other and talk when we are calmer.

We talk each night over dinner when he gets in and rarely leave the kitchen before bed as we are chatting.

I think he knows that he couldn't have this family, house and life without my input even though I don't earn £££. I am valued.