Help please with adult parental problems !

[MummieHunnie]

I have tried so much to maintain a relationship on my terms after a period of no contact with my Mother, it didn't work, she has no respect for my boundaries. I have gone no contact again after she created a drama at the end of last year. I informed her of the times that I will faciliate contact with my dc. This has been disrespected and she turned up at my door yesterday, unannounced. This time with my Father (long term divorced) he hates me always has and we have been mutually no contact for a year and a half, I hear nothing from him and he has sent my children nothing for all the time we have been nc!

I feel that I am off the merry go round with them, and I feel like an orphan, and that I always was.

I think they may come to my door again in the next day or so, I have lots of things to say to them, which are probably not nice, how can I communicate with them what I want, they don't seem to take it in, no matter how I do it, be it verbal or through behaviour!?

Also I was secretly pleased that they came to my home and they were giving me attention, as I felt so neglected by them most of my life, yet I don't want them, is that normal?

Write them a letter perhaps?

I have sent her emails, she says she deletes them, I have told her verbally, she pretends she doesn't understand the words I am using so I told her to get a dictionary, the next time again she says I don't know what you are saying then I say did you get a dictionary she changes the subject, she has no interest in understanding by her behaviour.

I sent an email at the end of the year to tell her, she has obviously ignored it. I have gone nearly a year before of no contact refusing to answer the door etc, she can't accept/listen to what I tell her. Denial is very strong with her.

I haven't read it, but I have seen recommended quite a few times on here a book called Toxic Parents - might be of some use to you perhaps?

Personally, for my own family I have decided to sack it all off and not give or expect any communication, that is working better for me than the upset before.

I have heard it mentioned, I have not read it, I think I should.

Loopy, I was torn to send an email to say, you have disrespected my boundaries again so she will understand, and then another side of me says don't give her anything.

I wonder if there is something wrong with the way I am communicating with her? Is there something I could be doing differenly.

I have had enough negative crap, I want peace.

Why do you want her to have a relationship with your DCs if she can't respect her relationship with you?

I am scared she will take me to family court, as they have had a past relationship she would get contact. I thought if I gave a few hours, four times a year, out shopping they could walk away if need be, as they are at that age now! I can't be doing with more family court, and I can't give anyone the chance of putting the kids through it either.

MH//Also I was secretly pleased that they came to my home and they were giving me attention, as I felt so neglected by them most of my life, yet I don't want them, is that normal?

yep, I am afraid it is. The little child in us keeps hoping for approval

I have come to term that there is nothing I can say to mother(r father) that I haven't already said. If she ahsn't go it so far how can she is never going to get it. So I would stop trying to work out in your head what to do/what to say because nothing would make any difference

Hopefully the poster GRACE will come on the thread with more advice, she is great I find, maybe run a search and you can see her response to other questions for similar issues

oops I think her full alias is ItsGraceagain

You don't actually have to answer the door.
Why do you want your DC to have contact with them? If they can't be good parents, they're unlikely to be good grandparents.

I had a visitor, who popped back to their car, so was expecting the door to be the visitor, not them, it was a shock. You are right I don't have to answer the door.

I have been through the family court with ex, and Mother is very aware of the in's and out's of it and she knows I am scared his parents will take me to court, and she and I know what evidence you do and don't need, she would get contact via the court, I have no evidence for the court. I think you are right, I am on a sea saw of trying to keep my kids happy and safe, and family court is such a stress on the resident parent that it can't help affect the family time wise, emotionally and financially, and kids are interviewed etc, it is not nice.

I'm no lawyer but I'm pretty sure they wouldn't get contact if it came to court. Can anyone advise?

They would Loopy, Mother has a history of contact, and I have no evidence to show court.