Experts on friendships- what would you do here?

[funnyoldfriend]

I have a very old friend and we have been through a lot together over 30 years nearly. However, she has had a lot of problems with her marriage over the years and the way she copes is by becoming in my eyes a bit "steely" and hard.

This is affecting how she behaves towards me and I don't recognise her as the friend I once knew years back.

What is getting me down is that if I talk to her about things she is very harsh in her responses. Recently I was getting some attention from a couple of men that resulted in me being a bit hurt. When I told her about one incident she simply said "Well, that tells you everything " I.e. about how he felt over me. With regard to another she said it would never work out and if it was going to it would have by now. All hopes dashed!

I don't want a friend who sucks up to me, and doesn't tell me the truth, but I do want one who doesn't kick me when I am down. When she said these things we were having a phone chat and I was almost in tears.

She just doesn't do sympathy- she does honesty and practical solutions, but she doesn't do "there there have a good cry on my shoulder" type of response.

She has gone away on holiday for a week and when she gets back I am wondering whether to bring up how I fond her reactions often brutal and hurtful.

It sounds as if her life experience with her husband has knocked the stuffing out of her and made her hard. She feels that if she doesn't let her feelings on display then they can't be hurt.

I think she's projecting her unhappiness on you and that's not fair. She probably thinks that it's for your own good and she's 'saving you' from heartache but that's really only a small part of it - it sounds horrid but when somebody's been hurt romantically, they don't necessarily want to bolster anyone else's ego either.

If she's a good friend, have a heart-to-heart with her and tell her how her responses actually make you feel, that might stop her in her tracks.

I'm no expert on friendship but I do tend to have different friends that I turn to for different situations. Some are very good at being a shoulder to cry on some are more practical and honest.

I'm not sure you will change her, but maybe if you are over the top in showing her how you'd like o be treated she may take the hint.

I am more Practical in the way I am and sometimes find sympathy hard to do, more to do with the way my dad is with me. As I'm single I find it hard to empahise with people who are in relationships that are toxic having got out of of a relationship like that. I tend to think it's easier to be on your own which isnt always helpful!

ok well in my opinion this sounds like you have took this a little too much to heart because you were feeling upset about what happened with the men.

i mean she was being honest wasnt she?
i struggle with sympathy, some people are just like that, perhaps shes being hard because she has to be?

but i feel that because you were hurt and wanted reassurance, and you didnt get it, your just being a little touchy.

I wouldnt call what she said brutal and hurtful.

If you two have changed as people and are growing apart perhaps its time to have a break from each other, friendships grow apart and if she really is upsetting you then you dont need that, but i suggest you turn to a more understanding friend in your moments of need.

Do you have another friend to whom you could turn for tears and sympathy? I am a bit like your friend in that I tend towards truth and solutions. I have to really bite my lip sometimes with a friend of mine who wants the former rather than the latter. It is not that I don't care- on the contrary offering solutions is my way of trying to make her happier.

I do find it much harder to offer tears and sympathy when I am going through a tough time myself. Not because I think my problems are worse than hers but because it takes much more emotional energy.

I think your friend would be hurt if you say that to her but you could say when you next chat that as much as you appreciate her practical mind all you need from her at this time is some sympathy.

I am no expert.

I think you are expecting a bit much to get all your needs met by one friend, no one is perfect, she has some great qualities she is honnest and gives good advice, do you realise how lucky you are?

You are allowed to have your needs met by many friends, if you need a touchy feeling friend go and find one to forfill that need in your life.

I agree - I think you need to try and work out which friends offer you what. If I'm down, some friends will cheer me up, some will give me a pep talk, and some will sympathise. I sort of know who does what, and pick accordingly.

She sounds like a great friend for some situations, and as you've known her for years that counts for a huge amount. I would just be wary of expecting more from her than you know she is able to give you.

Thanks all.

It all touches a nerve.

She is in a loveless marriage- and is staying out of fear of change, and for the money, TBH. I think there is a small aspect of jealousy that I have had some male interest!

We have had a show-down in the past when she was offering "solutions" and all I wanted was a listening ear, not a pat answer.

It ended with me in tears on the phone.

She is my closest friend in some ways- she knows everything about me and me about her, and we talk every week, but I now hesitate to tell her things. Last conversation, she asked about X and Y and said I had not mentioned them for ages...

The reason was that I knew I would not get the response I needed, but as I was feeling very upset, I side stepped telling her that and blurted out what had happened.

Afterwards I felt it was a double whammy- I was coping with the hurt and the response from her too.

I know you don't get everything from one friend- she is the only friend who knows everything about my life as far as relationships go- but I just feel that in order to survive in her own marriage she has grown a very thick skin and changed quite a bit. Sometimes she has even asked m eif I think she has become hard- not in relation to us, but sometimes her husband or another friend has told her that.

Why are you focusing on her life/marriage so much? so what if she has become hard, no one stays the same completely in 30 years, life changes people be that through a difficult marriage, she may have gotten divorced and changed, widdowed and changed, had a miscarriage, lost her parents, been raped, mugged, I can't think of any more off hand, she could have been in many traumatic life changing situations, these things change people, not many people are lucky to have lived charmed lives and not changed.

I again repeat that you need to look at various friends to meet your needs, and repeat no one is perfect including yourself.

If you don't want to be friends with her then finish the friendship, and stop picking holes in her for becoming hard due to life experiences and changing so she is not perfect to forfill your needs anymore.

I think that's a bit hard MummieH.

I am not perfect, sure. I am not expecting her to be perfect.

But she is my closest and oldest friend who was my bridesmaid and is godmother to my children.

Am I not allowed to wonder why she is now reacting as she does?

I am not focusing on her marriage, but as a childless, midddle aged woman who doesn't work that is the main factor in her life- -but I am looking for a reason why she is behaving as she is.

I am hard too, blimey you really don't like people who tell it like it is, you will do anything to avoid looking at yourself, I hope someone touchy feely comes along to post in a bit for you.

instead of having to address it as an 'ishoo' what about saying 'ouch' or 'well that's one point of view' or 'I suppose I just feel a bit delicate' immediately after she next makes a barbed comment?

It's not a case MummieH of not liking people who "tell it like it is", or not "looking at myself"- whatever you mean by that? I assume you mean it is I who is at fault here, and not the friend?

I do like my friend, but she has changed and I find her responses hurtful.

I am sure she reacts in the way she does with the best of intentions, but she misjudges my feelings, and if I am at fault it's by not telling her so at the time.

As you suggest, scatter.

Why does someone have to be at fault and take all the blame for a joint issue, maybe you could do with looking at yourself a bit more, as you seem to want the friend to take responsibility for all the changs in the friendship, is there some problem for you to be found to blame or to share blame?

I have had friends like this (still do) and have had to come to the realisation that, without being cynical, you rely on different friends for different things (and vice versa in terms of them relying on you.) MummieHunnie makes a good point in this regard - you can't rely on one good friend to make you laugh,share your sorrows, pick you up etc at all times.

While she is away I think I would concentrate on dusting yourself down and coming up with a plan for 2011 - not a plan to meet a man - but a plan for doing things you've always thought - ooh I would like to do that and you've never had the time/been brave enough/had the money. So even if you don't have the money now - could you save for 2012 - or if you haven't got the time could you free up some. The reason I am saying all this is because I think you would have your answer to whether your friend is truly supportive or not (which I think is at the bottom of your question and wondering about her marriage) or whether there is a slight hint of schadenfreude when she scythes any hopes you have. With you focusing outwards on your plans and talking about those you will come across as less needy to her (open up your social life too - get back in contact with old friends or do a course or look into further qualifications for your career or return to/pick up a new hobby - just spend a bit of time thinking about what YOU want to do) - if that is indeed what she is thinking - but if she responds to your newfound positivity with negativity - you will know that, for now, you might need to branch out a bit, while making sure she knows that you are there for her when she needs you.

Friendships also go in cycles so it may just be that you both need a break for a bit. If you bear in mind she is a 'Solutions' friend (when it comes to advice) you need some 'commiserating/vent to friends' and some 'going out and forgetting about it' friends, and you will be able to value her in that context. If you discover that she is negative towards your plans, then I think I would gently ask if she is okay, and if there is anything she wants to talk about it because you feel she might be a bit down but not want to say.