How do you deal with verbal abuse

[WADA]

My exp and I are still living under the same roof having separated a few months ago. We are yet to sell the house and this is likely to be the situation for about another 3 months.

He is a very angry man and does have a habit of going for the kill when he lashes out. Since we've split there have been 3 occasions now where his anger has spilled (he wanted the split by the way!) over and has twice told me how fat I am (the last one was that he didn't want to have sex with me because I'd become too fat), how he doesn't want the children to grow up to be like me (soft), that I do nothing but sleep or watch dvds all day (I have 2 children - I wish!!), that I never have any food in, that I never cook a decent meal for the kids, that I'm an attention seeker. After his latest torrent of abuse at the weekend he then had the gall to ask if I wasn't speaking to him. When I said I had nothing to say he exploded and removed my car key from my keyring and told me I no longer had access to a car (he owns 3). When I asked him what I was supposed to do if there was an emergency with the kids he told me to get a taxi. I have the key back now but his desire to punish me for some inexplicable crime is outweighing his interest in doing what is right for his children.

He has a bit between his teeth that I've done nothing in the last 5 years whilst he has been working hard. He places no stock in my having given up my own working life to raise my children and certainly seems to have completely forgotten that my sister died last year and so it's been a very sad time. I try as hard as I can not to get embroiled in these angry outbursts because he wants me to explode in order to point out how 'crazy' I am but it is very difficult to take these insults. He also accuses me of being angry despite me never being the one to start with any insults - classic projection - yes?

Any ideas on how I can cope with this crap until me and the children move out?

I understand I had a some of the things you describe in my marriage too and when he left one of the best things was and still is nobody in my life speaks to me like that any more.

How to cope ? If there is no way you can split until selling up then grit your teeth and ignore him. Form a mantra you can say to yourself that soon it will be over. Mine lived here for about 6 weeks when we knew he was leaving and every time he behaved abusively I just thought he'll be gone soon.

I'm in the same situation as you. Living with verbal abuse and waiting for the day when he leaves which will be soon I hope although he seems to think I am going to change my mind about us. I don't think so, considering just this morning he went beserk over something ridiculously small. me scolding our 4yr old child without realising she was on the landing and in his rant "nearly fell down the stairs" I understood my mistake and said so but he continued to crucify me over and over again insisting I "didn't GET IT" and that I was a "b and a c" (in front of the child) when I said that I got the message. Then told me he would headbutt me when I told him to just shut up.
He later "apologised" for calling me aname.Ignoring his verbal tirade and violent threat,in front of the 4yr old, so when I refused to accept it, he therfore voided the apology anyway to do some more ranting about what a "bch"
He also ranted on and on about how I'm a b* for even thinking he meant he would really hurt me and that it was just words.

I kid you not. This is what I have to live with.
Hate is something I've never experienced on this level. I have had a previous partner that lied and cheated on us and led two lives and tore me apart inside. This man however has worn me down so much over time that I can am numb inside and can do nothing but resent and be disgusted by him and I can't wait to be free.

I hope to see a day you are free and happy OP as I hope to be soon.

Sorry to hear you're going through that. It's such a toxic environment for you and your child to be in. I hope he leaves soon. My exp tends to be a lot quieter in his tirade but does try and use my fear of upsetting the children against me. For instance when we were talking about my leaving the property and looking for somewhere to rent I asked him not to say anything in front of our daughter because I'd like to break it to her gently. He responded that he doesn't care how she finds out because the world is a hard place and she needs to toughen up and not be soft like me (she's 5!) On the odd occasion it gets explosive (and it doesn't for long because I'm acutely aware of not wanting the kids to hear us fight like this) he tells me he doesn't care what the kids hear. He uses my fear of not wanting to hurt the children against me by threatening to treat them badly - what kind of a father does that?

He's a classic Lundy Bancroft Demand Man. He feels very entitled and gets very angry when anyone else has any needs. I've been through some serious counselling in the last couple of years and lost one of my sisters last year and boy does it get used against me. He's told me that I use my grief (for what?). He slagged me off to one of my best friends on the day of my sister's funeral by saying that you'd never seen a family grieve the way we do - when you're dead you're dead (this was in reference to my family and I getting together every day for a couple of weeks to plan the funeral and support each other). He would get annoyed when I asked him not to use the word 'spaca' because I found it offensive (my sister had a learning disability) citing that I had no right to curb his freedom of speech - the list goes on and on and on.

He sounds so similar.
My exp does the same with the child. All caring but then doesn't give her a second thought when he is in self righteous arrogant self centred abusive mode. I am actually reading that Lundy Bancroft book. I saw a thread on here a while back about it. The OP was in a similar situation and I felt I should have a look. Its shocking how true it is and exp is part-everything he describes in characters in that book . I can't think of all the different ones but I was reading it nodding and feeling sickened at the same time.
My exp uses the term spa and it upset me because my cousin has cerebral palsy and I find it disgusting. He always slags off my family and friends. Tries to control me away from them. The list also goes on and on.

Have you thought about contacting Womens Aid? They can give practical annd emotional support.

Did you guys see that a judge has ruled that this sort of abuse should be treated the same as physical abuse and that women and children should be helped as if it were?

Why don't you both speak to Women's Aid? Even a few weeks of a young child having to listen to this is too much. I'm not blaming you - he is a monster - but I would just go now. The hatred is all to do with him - he hates himself but he has to direct it outwards because he is deeply inadequate and has no self awareness. He never will understand this or be able to do anything about it.

I've put it down to our break up and that it's just part and parcel of how he's coping. I'm not excusing it and it's pathetic and hurtful but I don't feel I'm at a stage where I need the help of Women's Aid. I know my boundaries aren't particularly strong when it comes to what I'll accept from others but I'm hoping this abuse will come to an end as soon as we are living apart.

Thankfully the kids are too young to really understand what's happening. Most of the time they are out of the way or things are said without shouting so they take no notice. I'm sure they experience some of the atmosphere but as he works away during the week it's only on weekends when it's tricky. Some weekends he can manage to keep his anger in check but on others he makes comments. A lot of his comments have also come via email which means the kids aren't exposed.

Luckily although my boundaries aren't brilliant I am a strong, positive person and so the kids experience a stable and happy mother during the week and one who just tries to keep the peace or keep out of the way of a weekend!

KTT I hope you can split sooner rather than later

WADA I would be trawling my address book for weekend away opportunities. I hope you can sell your house soon.

Jeez ladies, what a shitty situation your all in

Im not in this situation, but wanted to type something in a way of moral support

I really hope these assholes leave quickly and quietly for you all

wada - trust me, it doesnt end when you move on.

he will still try and may be even angrier...

but you can set up your physical boundaries. a lot more easily.

but - believe me - he wills till stry via phone/text/email.

he will try to get in your life and your property on various pretexts. you have to be ready for that as you have to communicate over the DC.

think about how you will do that eg use a third party.

and its worth talking thru strategies with womens aid and/or a counsellor.

Thanks cestlavielife

Yes, I imagine he will continue as I truly think he believes his view of how things are.

I just want to move out now and get away from it all.

My plan once gone is to try and communicate via email as much as possible but yes, if things become too much then I may have to involve a third party although it would be a last resort as I think this would impact the kids. I can take the crap - they can't if you know what I mean.

It just all seems so hopeless really
Its true that the longer you take it the harder it is to leave. If I even mention leaving now he practically laughs at me. Sneers about it.
Ten minutes later he is offering me coffee. Three hours later he is trying to suggest we "make up". Yet I've always caved. There is always something that leaves me chained to this situation. I make no excuses I have become weak over time and lost my superpowers strength, self belief and confidence.
I have two caring gorgeous men throwing themselves at me even with a child in tow. That sounds bad I know I have two longtime male friends (unaquainted with eachother one from childhood one from college) who both have always had a bit of a thing for me, one would do anything to be with me and knows the situation is bad with the P, though not the full extent. The other just showers me with compliments and feel good stuff and I flirt like heck with him because he makes me feel alive, to use an embarrassing cliche.
Don't get me wrong absolutely, its not that I would jump into any relationship if I got out of this one, but even the thoughts that at some point someone lovely could care and love me properly is heartbreaking. Its lonely and very very claustrophobic.
I know I will get the strength to do this. I just wish it would hit me and I could just exit stage left with my belongings in tow and two fingers up at him . Sorry for the moan.

kttc - he sneers ebcause probably, he jsut thinks you dont mean it. have you done anythihg ever to make him think you mean what you say? (am not criticising - because i been there )

do resolve to act next time, show him you eman it. eg he goes off on one -walk out the room. leave the house with the DC.

dont shout bac at him, stay calm say calmly "i wotn eb treated like this" and leave the room or even the house.

have you a friend/relative you could go to at short notice?

i wont be treated like this