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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH cheated, I can't forgive.

7 replies

whokilledarchie · 27/01/2011 03:11

DP cheated about 5 months ago with a girl from his office. I only found out about it because one of the school mums (who is friends with the OW) spread it around the playground. I confronted DP and he admitted it.

He apologised over and over again, got moved to a different office so he wouldn't ever see her, took me away for a week so we could get some of that trust back, bent over backwards to make sure I was happy. He admits he was a dick but wants to make it right.

I said I had forgiven him but the truth is, I haven't and I don't know if I ever can. I lie awake at night crying/wondering why I wasn't enough for him. Every time he's quiet I wonder if he's thinking about her. Sometimes I'll see him and get that butterfly feeling before I remember what he did and it all comes crashing down.

Also, I don't know if this makes me a bad person but OWs DS has just started at local school so I will have to see her every fucking day. Saw her for the first time on Monday and she's older than me/chubby/grimy and I feel so embarrassed that he chose that over me.

I don't know what to do now. DH thinks all has ben forgiven and I can't bear the thought of him leaving as I do love him. Stupid me. Any advice?

OP posts:
whokilledarchie · 27/01/2011 03:16

Oops-- obviously I am so upset by it all that in the first paragraph I seem to have forgotten that we have been married 3 years (so he is DH, not just DP anymore, sadly.)

OP posts:
MommyMayhem · 27/01/2011 04:22

Do you think you can ever forgive him and move on from this? Or not?

IngridBermann · 27/01/2011 06:56

Oh dear, this sounds very painful for you.

The only thing I can think of is that no one is enough for anyone, really - every partner or husband thinks about other people occasionally, fancies them, loves them, perhaps, in a way - but it is totally possible to overcome this in a good marriage 9which it sounds like you have) by what you do to recover.

  1. He stayed with you.
  2. He admitted it
  3. He apologised and tried hard to make up for it.
  4. He is still with you and wants to be with you - so you see, you are enough, in that way - he would have left if he didn't love you the best.

my parents revealed that they had both had major crushed on people during their marriage, and although they hadn't acted on them, these crushes really did hurt - but because they were committed to one another they stayed and eventually the crushes went away because they were just one of those things and it didn't mean their relationship wasn't fantastic, and more important than the other people.

I'm sorry, I don't want to minimise your pain. but the fact he chose you and acted the way he does means a lot imo. There isn't a marriage in this world where neither party looks and feels something for someone else along the way. It's all about how you handle it.

IngridBermann · 27/01/2011 06:58

Counselling might well be useful too - assumed you had tried it but you don't say in your OP.

Finding out what caused him to do what he did might really help you feel better. Have you had a proper, proper long chat about it?

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 27/01/2011 07:03

Okay, a few points.

This wasn't about you at all, I suspect, but you are falling into the understandable trap of referencing this affair and this woman, in relation to you and your marriage.

Without knowing what reasons your H has given for his affair, I'm going to hazard a guess that it wasn't much in reference to the OW either. Put simply, it happened with her because she was "there". Hence, she was not "better" than you and it wasn't about you not being "enough for him" at all. I imagine your H saw there was an opportunity and decided to take it and it's as simple and painful as that.

It sounds as though once he was discovered, your H did at least some of the right things and took definite actions to apologise and distance himself from this woman - and that you overcame your pride, despite having to face the playground gossip everyday - and started on a path to forgiveness. That demonstrates a lot of commitment and faith in one another and so there is much hope in this situation.

Everyone makes mistakes in affair recovery because it is uncharted personal territory and one of yours I suspect, was in offering premature forgiveness. It would be unusual to be able to forgive only 5 months on and this may have had the effect of drawing a line under an event that needs much more unravelling and analysis.

So, first things first, you need to tell your H about your fears and that you're not moving on. If you haven't as a couple determined why he was unfaithful and you're still locked in a script of thinking this was about you, then it sounds like you haven't talked enough, or learned enough about why this happened and therefore how your H can prevent it ever happening again.

It's a horrible twist that you now have to see this woman every day and this must be making it ten times worse. You need to talk to your H about how this is making you feel and to co-construct ways of dealing with those encounters and daily reminders.

What I would urge you to do is to stop feeling you have to be so brave and that you should have moved on, because after only 5 months, that would be virtually impossible.

You are very welcome to search under my name because I have written many posts about post-affair recovery and at least some of them might apply to the type of affair your H had and this might help in your discussions with your H.

One of the best things that can happen after an affair is that as a couple, you become more emotionally honest with one another and open a window to eachother about your feelings. You need to do that now with your H and tell him about your continued pain. You don't need to keep a brave face on, with him of all people.

spidookly · 27/01/2011 13:25

You don't have to forgive him.

He took the decision that your marriage was worth fuck all, if you want to take that to its logical conclusion rather than spending years forcing yourself to be OK with this, then go ahead.

walesblackbird · 27/01/2011 13:32

I think you're expecting a bit much of yourself to forgive him 5 months post discovery. At 5 months I still wanted do some physical damage to my husband. Forgiveness was far from my mind. 10 months in I still don't forgive him, and nor have I forgotten, although things are - finally - starting to get a bit better.

I'd be very honest with him and tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him that you haven't forgiven him and nor will you be able to for some time. He's betrayed you, he's trashed your trust and he's going to have to have to have some pretty difficult, ie open and honest, conversations with you before you can even begin to trust him again.

I do feel for you having to face her every day. Thankfully the OW here doesn't live anywhere near for which I'm very grateful.

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