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Original poster

To stay or to go?

15 replies

cheesedoff1 · 27/01/2011 01:22

Hi all

This is my first post so be gentle. Met my DP 15 months ago. Told me when we met he was divorced with three nearly grown up boys. Said he got on well with ex. He has always been kind, attentive and loving.

However in October I found out he was in fact still married when we met, although he'd been separated for three and a half years. He spent most of last year going through a very bitter and financially devastating divorce and didn't breathe a word to me about it. Divorce was finalised in October. I was horrified when I found out about his big lie. He begged me to give him another chance - told me he knew I wouldn't have entertained him if he'd told me he was only separated and not divorced.

He has shown me all the divorce papers which confirm the date of separation so I know he hasn't lied about that. I decided to give him another chance but the fact that he told just an enormous lie and carried it on for a whole year haunts me. Can't decide whether he's just a bloody idiot who made a massive mistake or a horrid schemer. He hasn't shown any evidence of the latter any where else, btw. He is flat broke though Sad

Would be interested in your opinions.

THank you!

OP posts:
Tortington · 27/01/2011 01:31

so he ied becuase he wanted to be with you and no-one was hurt in the process? is that right?

in that case i don't see the problem

you really shouldn't date poor people though Hmm

coldtits · 27/01/2011 01:34

My partner is still married - only separated. to be honest, it doesn't bother me. I've met his 'wife' and children, they all know who i am. Nothing untoward.

they lie would bother me enormously, but to be honest, if I really loved him and I had a very good reason to believe he really loved me (and wasn't hiding anything else) I would just forgive it.

caramelwaffle · 27/01/2011 01:39

If he is capable of maintaining a lie of this level, he is capable of lying, quite easily, on many other issues (not that he necessarily will - IYSWIM

This level of deceit should NEVER be discounted when embarking on a new relationship

It is a cliche, but actions speak louder than words.

It may be possible to have a good relationship, but only if there is honesty.

The issue, in this instance, is not that he was still married (technically) when you embarked on a relationship, but the deceit.

Think about what YOU want and what is important to you. Good luck.

caramelwaffle · 27/01/2011 01:42

And Custardo is absolutely correct - dating a poor un'
Oooo no

wabbit · 27/01/2011 01:42

Sounds like he didn't have the bottle to be up front about his status when he started to date you, being divorced sounds so unattached compared, then he couldn't divulge his lie throughout his divorce because he would be percieved as weak and a liar...

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt if there are no other signs of not being wholly committed. BTW being broke isn't a crime against your trust. Unless he told you he was loaded!

Original poster
cheesedoff1 · 27/01/2011 09:09

Thanks for your replies.

He's very committed to the whole thing. Wants us to get married but I have reservations due to 1) the lie and 2) the disastrous money situation since his divorce.

He has never lied about his financial situation. When we met he had a decent job with a good salary. He lost that job in March and has struggled to find something similar since. On top of that his ex wife insisted on taking him to court instead of working a financial settlement out via mediation and so he's stuck with paying a great big legal bill on top of everything else. I do feel for him and he is trying his hardest to get back on his feet but I am angry that I got dragged into his mess without knowing what was really going on.

caramelwaffle has hit the nail on the head - it's the deceit that is upsetting. I am now very suspicious of him - check emails and texts behind his back - am always trying to catch him out in a lie. Haven't found anything to suggest he's lied about anything else but don't like this compulsion to go all Magnum PI on him. I hate all that snooping stuff and would hate him doing it to me. A good chunk of me thinks I should cut and run and try to find someone else who doesn't have his problems and then I think well everyone's got problems of one sort or another, unless they've spent the last 20 years hiding under a rock.

Oh dear.

OP posts:
LittleMissHissyFit · 27/01/2011 11:24

Cheesedoff1, check yourself, this is running away with you.

You don't need to be checking his emails etc, he has not cheated on you. If you don't stop this right now, your whole relationship could implode.

He told a fib at the outset because he and didn't know how to come clean.

Look at his actions, how he treats you, how honest he is with you on everything else THEN look at the divorce thing. If this is the ONLY thing you have an issue with, please put it into the perspective it requires.

Anniegetyourgun · 27/01/2011 11:46

I believe very strongly in honesty, but I'd be inclined to cut this fellow some slack for good intentions. Even good people make bad mistakes sometimes. The question is whether it is a one-off mistake (albeit a big'un) or a character flaw. If the former, it can be worked round. If the latter, run away!

Yes, he should have said "in the process of divorcing" rather than leading you to believe he was already divorced, and "but I didn't want to lose you" is a very dodgy excuse. The right thing to do would have been to tell you how things really were, and if that meant you wouldn't date him until it was over, so be it. If it was "meant to be" you'd have waited for him. However, at the time he was going through the divorce he wouldn't have known you all that long; not long enough to know how much he could trust you and certainly not long enough for a gentleman to drag a newish girlfriend through all the stuff he was dealing with. At least he really was getting divorced, unlike a few cases we've seen on here where sometimes the wife was the last to know! He did it himself, in the independent silent way a lot of blokes (and some women) prefer to handle things. He went through all that shit and never dumped any of it on you. He's strong, if nothing else!

I'd say, then, if he's a great guy in other ways, no other red flags or signs of dishonesty, and now you've known each other for over a year, he's probably worth giving a chance. Have a serious talk in which you explain that from now on you expect complete transparency, because if you're going to throw in your lot with him he can't go all strong and silent over stuff that will affect both of you. It is not only his business any more, it's yours too. And that lying will lose you quicker than anything he believes he needs to lie about (if that makes sense). If he's smart he'll "get it" and this sort of thing won't happen again (unlikely he has too many more ex-wives lurking in the background).

LittleMissHissyFit · 27/01/2011 14:02

We had a female poster here recently that had done the same, we all advised her to tell the bloke, apologise and hope for the best.

Her intentions were not bad, and neither were your DPs.

Original poster
cheesedoff1 · 27/01/2011 20:36

Thanks all - very helpful and considered advice. Have avoided telling all but my sis about this as some of my friends can be very black-and-white judgmental and finger-waggy when it comes to (other people's) relationships.

It's helped to get it off my chest.

OP posts:
LittleMissHissyFit · 27/01/2011 22:58

The only thing that is important is what YOU think about it.

It's nobody's business but yours love!

NoNamesNoPackDrill · 27/01/2011 23:09

Just think, he managed to be kind attentive and loving despite going through all that stressful stuff without your support. So now things are sorted out, however finacially painfully, he should be feeling happier and more fun to be around. Don't give up on him just when things are getting better for him!

Original poster
cheesedoff1 · 27/01/2011 23:29

Yes I guess I really want to give it a go. We get on brilliantly and are actually very good at talking things through together. There's a lot of good stuff between us and I suspect my misgivings are because some "other people" in my life would say I should dump him for misleading me.

I really need to get behind my own decisions and stop worrying about what other people think (This is a bit of a recurrent theme in my life... very disapproving, critical mother!)

OP posts:
Original poster
cheesedoff1 · 27/01/2011 23:29

But that's another story.... :)

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 27/01/2011 23:51

Oh god, I don't want to put a damper on things but I'd say please be watchful.

Maybe my own experience is getting in the way of being objective but how hard is he trying to get another job? Have you met his boys?

Eeeh, nothing's ever straightforward, is it?

Hope it works out for you.

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