I'm so desperately unhappy

[benbenandme]

Dp left us 2.5 months ago. I hadn't got a clue this was coming and was utterly devastated. Recently I seem to have been coping better (ie. not crying except on my own at bedtime), and generally trying to come to terms with it all. However, this last week has been hell again, for no particular reason, but I just keep crying my eyes out all the time.

I am so frightened of the future, I am struggling to get through each day - I have family and friends around who have been great, but it just seems to highlight even more that dp isn't there anymore. I tried to make an appointment to see the doctor as I can't sleep, and I have to wait 10 days for that!!

I'm dreading Xmas already, again it will highlight everything that has gone. I cannot wait for January 2nd when life becomes more everyday again.

How can he just take my world away ???

you poor thing.

Not sure what I can say that will help really, but it does sound like hell. Do you know any other single mothers? speaking to them may help.

re xmas: can you do something really different this year - a well earned treat and something that won't bring back the memories so much? a few days away with a single friend or something?

I don't know any other single mothers other than those that chat on here, but none in real life! Hadn't realised it until this happened either but none of my friends are single - in fact out of the 10 friends I see most regularly, 8 are pregnant! While I am obviously very happy for them it again makes me wonder what could have been - we were going to try for baby number 2 as soon as ds hit his 2nd birthday - dp walked out 2 DAYS before this! How cruel can one man be???

A lot of the time I feel relatively ok, but sometimes, like tonight, it all just seems too much and I seem to be watching the clock, waiting for days/months/whatever to go by so I can start to feel normal and alive again. I feel like I'm in a fog and the world is just going on around me without me being part of it. Does that make sense?

Benben, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I felt the same when my ex left me. I couldn't eat, sleep, was barely functioning. But it WILL get better. I can't tell you exactly when, but believe me it will. I'm 2.5 years down the line now and doing well. I still have moments, but they're usually due to frustration when ex-dp is being an arse. It does help to be around people. I had no friends when my ex left, but put myself out there, hard though it was and have a good group of mates but also, I must stress, feel alright with my own company. Do you go to any mother and baby groups? or go to a gym. I joined a gym, put DD in the creche and would do Pilates ( a great stress reliever) or have a good workout on the machines (good for getting that anger out and the feel-good endorphins). Some days I'd go practically in tears, but would feel stronger once I'd get home again.
You will have good and bad days, but the good will outweigh the bad. Xmas will be hard, but do spend it with loved ones. Concentrate on making it a good one for your little one. Show your ex you can do it, and what he's lost. Be strong xx

Oh Benben, I really feel for you, I understand the pain you are going through, is the relationship definetly over though is there any chance of a reconcilation? From experience you need your friends are they there for you still?

I found nightall (wrong spelling) from the chemist really helped me to sleep you can just buy them over the counter.

I really dont know what to say because there is nothing to say that will make it any easier right now. I do hope you are ok though, keep chatting on here if it helps.

benben don't know what to say that can make you feel any better. If writing it on here helps then keep doing it. Hopefully some others will come along who have been through it and give you hope

It will get better!

benbenandme - I am so sorry you are in this situation - how totally horrible.

This might be a completely inappropriate suggestion, but I've been thinking about how you might approach Christmas and, like senorabruga, I wondered if doing something completely different might help. I can't think of any great suggestions at the moment but, if you can make any free time for yourself in the run-up to Xmas could you do some voluntary work - I dunno but maybe for homeless charity or something? It might make you feel marginally better about your own situation and also give a different perspective on Christmas?

That sounds like a good idea, zippy, but it might backfire. very depressing.

What about splashing out on a very un-Christmas holiday?

I'm back again - just had a bath and watched dirty dancing - he hated that film! I do work part-time and am making myself stay busy most of the time but it is so hard when I stop and think ahead to the future, and as much as I know I must concentrate on now I can't help but get upset about what ds will miss out on and what we have lost.
Part of me wants to go away for Xmas and come back when it is all over, but my Mum and Dad would be gutted if I didn't see them and ex will want to see ds. I would like to make it a good Xmas for ds as you want to remember xmas's when they are little, but I just can't see how I will ever remember any happy times.
Trix1 - I don't think there is any chance of a reconciliation - I have made it very clear to him that I would do anything to try and sort through all this and give ds the family upbringing and the brothers/sisters that we both wanted for him. We have talked about what we would want if we were to try again, but then he says that he doesn't love me and can't see that changing, and so he can't see any point in trying again.

He insists there is no-one else involved but I have very good reason to believe there is. I think he is ashamed to admit it as I think he feels a lot of guilt for walking out on us.

The worst thing is he is genuinely the nicest bloke I have ever met. I am so proud that he is ds's father. If he was some horrible useless father I would find it easier knowing I am better off without him and there are plenty of better blokes out there etc... but he is honestly a really decent bloke.

A man I loved & lived with for 4 years walked out on me. He said he loved me but "not enough". I thought I would never survive it. so painful. But having someone tell you they don't love you, or don't love you enough, means that they should be gone. You (and I & everyone else) deserve better than that.

I have just joined usborne books as I though it might be a way of meeting people and making some money at the same time.

I haven't really looked into evening classes yet as I don't have a car - he took that and left me with the house - and therefore I don't tend to go out much in the evenings because of the lack of transport and the babysitting costs.

Everything seems such a struggle and I have to force myself to go to the park or even out with friends, and then I have to make a real effort to try and enjoy myself and really I am just struglling not to burst into tears all the time.

I hate feeling that I have missed out on the last 2.5 months of ds's life - I know I haven't really, dp has not me, but I haven't enjoyed anything so it feels as though he is growing up without me enjoying it. Sorry if this is rambling, I just wish I could make him see how hurt I am, not that it would make any difference to how he feels or anything. It feels so sad that the one person who I want to hug me and love me is probably the last person in the world who wants to.

he has moved 45 minutes drive away to be nearer to work. He had ds overnight last week for the first time and I didn't go to bed all night because I was so churned up, so I have told him I can't deal with it again yet.
he has said he will babysit for me, but I need to give him plenty of notice, about 2-3 weeks, as he is going out a lot and works shifts too.
I am going to bed now, thank you all for your replies it has really helped - I'm not even crying at the moment now! I will ring the doctors in the morning again. Night. x

Goodnight Benben,

One thouught could he not stay over at yours and babysit, he could stay in the spare room on your ds room or the sofa, why should it be so easy for him to go out lots but yet you have to give 2/3 weeks notics??

Try and be strong.

Trix - I have suggested that one but he refuses - another reason I think that theres someone else involved, maybe she wouldn't like it??? He says if I want him to babysit I have to let ds stay at his.
I have called the doctors again this morning but still can't make an appointment - I want to see my own doctor as she was great all through my pregnancy (I was really ill), and she is fully booked all week, full on Monday, doesn't work Tuesdays, and you can only make appointments 7 days in advance, so have to call again tomorrow to try and get one for Wednesday! Oh the wonderful NHS!!!

benben- can only begin to imagine your pain - as it nearly happened to me but my dh did come back and we ahve worked it out. You sound so strong, you are doing all the right things. Is he not prpared to even consider some counselling? If he is a nice guy then surely he can see your realtionship deserves a chance and if nothing else and it doesn't work out you deserve "closure" and to be able to underrstand this is not your fault. He is the one who's moved the goal posts not you. It is very cruel of him not to tell you the whole truth_ if there is someone else as you need to make some sense of this. Men make me so mad at times they get fed up or borred or feel they're not getting enough attention and just walk away without trying to look at all the good things they have and try and find a way to rekindle the relationship they once had. how can they just walk away from their children? how dare they go off and have a single life when they have responsibilities of a married life!
Sorry got so angry for you honey- wish I couls help more. keep talking. there are people out there who can guide you through this. you are not alone.Hugs!

Hi Benben. Sorry you are having such a horrible time. I too have been there! My exp stayed with us for 6 months after I knew about his affair. I was pg with dd2 and didn't know what to do at first. I remember just feeling so miserable all the time. I only told a few people what was going on so had to appear 'normal' most of the time.

It's a cliche but only time will help really. You just have to get through on a day to day basis, try and enjoy your ds, socialise as much as you can as it stops you thinking too much. Unfortunately all the fist 'big' days alone are really tough but once you've got through them you'll feel stronger and proud of yourself. Plan a busy time with your family at Christmas, focus on your ds and keep smiling however you feel inside. It will be hard but it's just a day and it will pass.

I had 4.5 years on my own until I met someone wonderful and am now happier than I've ever been so you can get through it and come out the other side but it's slow and painful. Don't expect too much of yourself. You are grieving and you must allow yourself to do that at times, then dust yourself off, put your face on and take your ds out somewhere or have coffee with friends.

Good luck!

Benben, I am sorry but I have to challenge him being a really nice bloke but he wont stay over and look after his own son to give you a break, considering what he is putting you through what a selfish b*

Have you tried those sleeping tablets you can get from the chemist nite all, i found these good when i was in your situation not long ago.

Thinking of you