How does he manage to do this?

[forbetterorworse]

My ex was/is and alcoholic (I believe) though he doesn't.

He drinks every night. He spends thousands on doing so.

When we were together he was unfaithful, abusive. He spent £1000's on drink and prostitutes, family money. He drank every night for years and would wet himself on our furniture almost nightly, usually I would have to clean it up.

This week he went on another two day bender and spent every penny he has, he even pawned items he owns to get more money for drink.

He is now demanding that I lend him my computer equipment, tv etc as he was the one who paid for them in the first place (before he left). He says I am mean and selfish, mad, need to see a doctor, need to put my dc first, because I never do (absolute fucking bullshit!!). Once again he managed to get me to engage and I have spent the afternoon sending defensive text messages in response to his accusatory abusive texts.

He and his family maintain that he DOES NOT have a drink problem, I am uptight and probably caused it anyway because I made him so unhappy, in fact I made it worse by kicking him out and how dare I do that, I should give him our home and move out with dc wtf?!?. Funny thing is though they have all f*cked off and left me to it. His parents live abroad and his other family members are not interested. So it is basically me dealing with this alcoholic man on a regular basis. When he lived here the police were called, the came here to check his "bail" address various other stuff that I won't go into here. Life was chaotic and horrendous and every morning I would wake up not knowing what I would find when I opened the living room door, I always got up early to prevent the kids from finding him like that.

I feel like I am never going to be free of this man. Sometimes I even wonder if he is right and I am a mean, money grabbing evil bitch and I made him this way. I HAD to throw him out, our lives were chaotic and I couldn't stand my kids to get used to this kind of thing and just accept this is how people behave.

I feel like emailing his parents and telling them in no uncertain terms to get back and sort their son out, I HAVE my OWN children to deal with, I can't deal with him anymore.

Sorry this is so long but I despair I will ever be free of this man. Have filed for divorce and that is all in process, but even then I can't see myself being free of him and the things he says to me.

Morning humanheart. It would seem your reading skills are not up to scratch as you would know I don?t drink!! You really shouldn?t throw your toys out the pram.

Your point about the labelling making things worse and allowing people to miss the real reason for alcohol dependence which is the underlying stress, does not fit at all with my experience of living with someone who drinks over therecomended amount.

My DH will use ANY excuse as a reason to drink. So if he's stressed with work, he'll have wine. If work has gone well, he's happy and of course fancies a drink. If his family are coming over (big emotional issues) he needs to get hammered, if MY family are coming over he likesto be sociable and join in with them, only he's the last one standing, still drinking when everyone else has gone home. No matter what stress he is faced with, and no matter what we do as a couple toaddress the stress, he still fucking drinks. Simple.

Any issues arising from self-labelling as an alcoholic are deeply rooted in what ones own view of what "alcoholism" represents. I agree that admitting to other people that you're an alcoholic can be problematic and for the same reason - different people have different views of what the term "alcoholic" means.

It is true that some people replace their alcohol addiction with an "addiction" to AA meetings. Others find that the support and encouragement they get from AA membership helps fill the hole in their souls that they had previously tried to fill with booze. Others continue going because they find it a good place to pick up men or women. I don't see what that's got to do with self-labelling as an alcoholic.

Indeed, for many, it is the moment when they stand up and self-admit as an alcoholic that is the point where they start doing something different. People with serious alcohol issues often tell themselves that sooner or later - "once this particularly stressful period in my life ends" is a very popular one - they'll magically regain the ability to drink "normally" again. Some do. Many don't.

For those that can't, it is often the realisation that they are an alcoholic (or alcohol addicted or whatever) that signifies a significant shift in thinking. Once you know you're addicted/alcoholic, then it becomes clear that the only way to deal with it is to stop drinking. For good. And once you stop self-medicating with a mind-altering, depressive substance then getting to grips with the other things in your life that are causing you issues becomes ten times easier.

One thing I have noticed about a lot of people with significant drink issues is how much effort they put in to coming up with arguments that give themselves permission to drink in the future. Despite all the problems booze has caused them in the past, despite the fact that booze is entirely optional to a happy life, despite all the people who have known them for years and who say that they've got a serious drink problem, they're determined to find a way to tell themselves that it will be ok to drink next time.

windowsonthemind, that absolutely matches my experience with my alcoholic / alcohol-dependent (delete as applicable) ex.

She's having a good day? Let's have a drink to celebrate!
Having a bad day? A drink will cheer her up.
Bored? Might as well have a drink.
Busy? Well, she's got so much accomplished, she's earned that drink!
Other people are drinking? She's got to have one to join in.
Nobody else is drinking? They're all really boring, let's have a drink to liven things up!

If the long-term effects weren't so desperately sad it would be comical.

what was that ificould (Y-A-W-N - oh I do beg your pardon - so sorry, bored rigid - late night, apologies). i think i may (yawnnnn - oh dear! please forgive) have said that i didn't read all of your staggeringly dull/alcoholic/denial-riddled p zzzzzzzzz