Very proud of myself (even though it's a small thing)

[MorganMindy]

I've learned a lot from reading threads in Relationships about my EA XH and my dysfunctional parents. So much stuff is now falling into place.

I've just stood up for my DS and although it was a very small thing I know some of you on here will understand why I'm so proud of myself.

My DF has always been very controlling and critical. I grew up with very low self-esteem and I believe it's why I ended up in the marriage I did.

Anyway, I'm now out of that and in a very happy relationship but still processing stuff in my head IYKWIM.

Today my parents popped in as they do quite often. My DS said that he'd got 19/20 in a test at school and straightaway my DF said "What about the last mark!" As every other bloody time, whenever you tell him any result like that, he says this.

I've always ignored it and inwardly seethed and even though my DS was laughing and wasn't bothered I reacted and told DF not to say that any more. When he blustered and started to argue back I just told him that that was just the way to make someone feel they were never good enough and I didn't want to hear it again. He didn't argue back and just seemed to accept it which is incredible.

It sounds like such a small thing but it's a huge thing for me. I've finally started to call him on his behaviour, I'm 40 and he's 70!

Anyone else got any small victories to share!!

Well done you - a great response and so true as well. You should be pleased as punch with yourself.

Well done. My father was like that - I'd get 99% on a test and he'd ask what happened to the other percent.

Thanks for the high five and well done's, I knew I could rely on the lovely MNers to understand what I was saying.

I'm hoping that my DS will have also learned something from it too, that those sorts of comments are mean and that I'll stick up for him.

My DF is actually a very good granddad for the most part but the older they are getting the more he thinks they can take these sorts of 'jokes', think I'll just have to carry on letting him know that it's not acceptable.

It's weird how things that I've grown up with as normal are now so alien to me. A lot of it is the influence of my lovely DP who is shocked sometimes by my family's dynamics but also MN.

Now I need to get hold of a copy of the Lundy Bancroft book everyone talks about to really get my head around it all.

My grandparents did this the whole time and although they thought it was funny it just slowly eroded my confidence. So thank you from your DS. He may not have been bothered this time but you've stopped the drip drip undermining.

Well done! It's great for your ds to see that it is ok to stand up and say when something is not right, too.

I'll always remember telling my dad that I got 3 'A's and a B at A'level and all he had to say was "what went wrong?". I wouldn't have minded if he'd said something positive as well. Camdancer I know what you mean about confidence - I thought I was thick. Still, I got to leave home 2 months later on the strength of those A levels, and life began to look up!

My DP is also astonished by my family. We've just told my parents we don't want to see them - haven't said forever or anything, just, not now. Eek. I don't know if that is a victory or not, waiting for the fallout now.

Thanks Camdancer. That's what I'm hoping, my DF and bro did it the whole time when I was a child, then my XH carried it on when I was an adult. When you take each comment individually it does appear that I was 'too sensitive' but you are so right. It's the drip drip undermining that eats away at you.

Bloody hell it's only take 40 years to realise fully IT'S NOT ME IT'S THEM.

Bloody brilliant, not a small step at all, you have now done it once and you will feel more confident about doing it again

:o

Wow, Kingscross, how can you say you thought you were thick with those A levels??

It's so nice to get vindication from your DP though, helps so much knowing someone's on your side.

I hope the fallout from your decision isn't as bad as you think. My parents aren't quite bad enough for me to go that far although wouldn't take a lot for me to cut my Bro out altogether.

Thanks Thelastnameleft. I'm enjoying all these high fives!

Another high five from me as well.

That sort of thing isn't a joke, it's corrosive. Well done for taking a stand.

Thanks hugglymugly.

For most of my life I've been told that I'm being stupid and oversensitive so have covered up my feelings and hidden how hurt I've been.

It's so good now to realise that I was right and it wasn't fair and it wasn't a 'joke'.

I have two DC and despite being from a so-called broken home they are very confident and supportive of each other. They have their moments but I won't let the sibling niggles develop into the bullying I had to endure.

I am actually so angry with my parents for ignoring the shit my bro put me through. They refused to intervene and pretty much let him get away with anything. He was (and still is) soooo incredibly selfish and will not back down so it was easier for them to tell me not to make a fuss than to challenge him. They're still exactly the same now, he gets away with anything he wants. He treats people like crap and they never challenge him yet if I do anything they don't like I'm given the guilt trips and pressurised into apologising or backing down. Drives me mad.

Sorry, just dumping thoughts on here as I don't really talk about it much in RL. Think I'm going to have to get a lot tougher now. I've got a lot stronger in the last few years but I've really got to start putting myself, my DC's and my DP first.

Great post OP. And well done. My old man was exactly the same to me. Once I finished Uni he was explained how he was disappointed that I hadn't matched the academic achievements of my two elder siblings. I simply explained to him that if I'd actually received some encouragement or congratulation when I had done well - which I did fairly regularly - then I might have felt more inclined to make an effort. He shut up.

Anyway, a really great stand to take. And as much as your DS might not have seemed bothered by his comment, the fact that you demonstrated in front of him that you're proud of him and chuffed for him is so important.

Would love to hear if anything changes in the future after this.

Well done!

Thanks Trilliam.

Will be seeing parents tomorrow so will have to see if my new assertiveness is still going strong!

Good for you - and it gets easier every time as you regain confidence. Good post!

well done Morgan,
I think I must have been channelling you last night because I stood up to my 'd'f too.
I hate confrontations and although its not the first time i have done it I don't do it regularly.
Unfortuantly we now have to find somewhere else to live which we really can't afford but it will be worth it to be away from his controlling, depressing arse!

Fantastic. You stood up not only for DS, but also for the younger you :) I bet you do feel good!

Another high five from me, well done

How did it go?

good for you !

It is a great accomplishment to break down the long established barriers and respond in the moment, accurately, and in adult mode.

Congratulations!

No - it's a big thing. I'm learning to be more assertive 9I think having to be the voice for your DCs helps that), but it's very hard with family. Good on you

Thanks to everyone who replied.

The weekend was fine, no comments that needed fending off this time. I just need to remain alert and as toomanystuffedbears said, respond in an adult mode.

mrssoak, I'm glad you found the strength to stand up to your DF but sorry to hear about the housing situation, have you got an alternative?

Kingscross, any fallout for you from your parents yet?

I just have to say YABU.

Because that was not a SMALL thing you did - that is huge! Well done!

Heck, I don't even know you, and I'm proud of you :o