How to go out?

[monkeyflippers]

I have posted about this before saying that

I have 2 lovely children and no one in my family who can help me out with them, babysitting so I get a break, or even to look after them in an emergency.

My in-laws babysit for their other 3 grandchildren ALL the time so that the childrens parents can go to work, play tennis, go out to the pub, have them overnight, on picnics, museums etc. If we ever ask for help (rarely) the ILs make a huge fuss about it and make it difficult for us by saying they will only do certain times (that there isn't a good reason for and which make it impossible to use the help anyway) and then moan about it. Or they just say no. Or change the times they will do it at the last minute causing all sorts of problems.

It is actually really upsetting as I don't have parents to help me and have been through some really rough things (eg.bereavement, being depressed and having pnd after the bereavement) lately and they know this.

I feel so sad for my children. The in-laws obviously love them but will just fall over themselves to do things for their oldest son but not us and then tell us we are lucky for all the help we get . . . WHAT HELP!?

It's not that I feel entitled or anything and I'm not asking them to have the children while I sit on my bum or something. It's only when I have a real need. Like a gyno appointment or have to go into hospital for an operation (yes they said no) or when we've had an acident at home and had to get DH to a&e asap. Or when we've had major building work going on at home and it has been dangerous for the children to be there but I've had to be. Or when I've been very ill while pregnant and told to rest. Could give loads of other examples!

Well the reason I am posting about this again is that in a few weeks it is my DH and my anniversary and we would love to be able to go out. Usually they have agreed to have the DCs for 1 & 1/2 hours on these occassions and we go and grab a quick bit of dinner and have a chat which its so hard to do with dcs running around(we only ever do this once or twice a year so not taking the mick).

They will only have our DCs at their house though (if they even say yes) which means that we spend more time getting them there with all their stuff and by the time we pick them up they are asleep, and it's a hassle to get them back to sleep and settled when we get home. Plus then after all the messing around we are knackered. Considering the amount of time they have them for it hardly even seems worth it. Of course if they would come to our house that would be completely different as the dcs would be settled in their own bed and we could spend more (ahem) time together.

Anyway I don't want to ask anymore and have no intention of doing it but my DH thinks we should have a fresh start, new year and all that. It's been like this for several years so I don't see how this year would be any different suddenly. Plus I don't want to give them the opportunity of saying yes and then acting really put out when we turn up as they usually do. As then you can't really complain as they would just say "well we won't look after them then" and we wouldn't get our night out. So we end up being a bit over a barrel.

So we would love to go out but don't know how to do it. We have a couple of friends who might help but I always feel bad about asking (we've only ever done it twice) as I don't want to put upon people or make them feel bad for saying no. I thought about offering some money as you would a proper babysitter but not sure how much? Also don't want to insult anyone. I know someone who is a professional that I could hire but think it would cost a bit really as we would like to go out for a whole evening (shock horror).

Not sure what advice I'm hoping for, think actually I might have just needed a rant!

Wow that was long!

Have only skimmed through your thread
Can you not do what the majority of people do and hire and pay for a babysitter?

molly - I think that's what she's talking about doing and wants to know the going rate?

OP - I can see why you don't feel it's worth pursuing with your PILs. Why not let DH ask if they will come and do at yours, and if they won't say, thanks but no thanks?

Not sure about the going rate for babysitters - think it's around £10 per hour here. Could you stretch to that for a one-off?

If not, do you have some other friends with children who you could do a baby-sitting swap with? That way, you all get to have a night out, but don't have the expense of a sitter?

mollymax, see last para.

OP, has your husband spoken to his parents about this? It seems very much that they favour his brother. That must be a little upsetting for him in general.

I have 2 teenaged sons,they get £4/5 an hour

PS MIL would love to do what you ask, and has offered to do it once a month - if we would let her. So I don't think you're unreasonable to hope for that too, but sadly you can't expect it iyswim.

......never heard of anyone getting £10! My son has been babysitting for about 4 years, he is 18, £6 an hour is the highest he's ever heard of anyone getting!

Could you not see if your friends are interested in a babysitting circle? It's pretty easy to set up and run and it would be handy for them to build up some credit.

If i look after my friends children i usually don't expect payment (non circle members) although never say no to chocolates :-)

How about joining Sitters babysitting agency.
Annual fee and booking fee payable, but at least peace of mind.
Or, if there is a college near you that does a child care course? Students are often happy for pocket money.

Can't remember where I heard the £10 - must have imagined it! Ignore, ignore. .

mollymax - my children would be unhappy having a stranger come and look after them. They are only young and would be scared.

KikiJane - He has often been the one to ask for help on my behalf so sees for himself the reaction. He has never actually confronted them about it as he doesn't seem to feel he can do that. He doesn't like confrontation in general with his family and normally doesn't stick up for himself (or me) enough. I can understand why though because his dad can be a bit scary. He gives evil "want to murder you" looks. He is also quite hard on my DH but not on his sibling.

I think I might ask a friend. It's just with friends I don't feel like I could be out very long as they have their own families and I would like not to rush back for once. But of course I can only do that if I know my dcs are happy and safe.

I feel it's really important to know the people well that you leave your children with, for obvious reasons.

That's sad monkeyflippers.

A couple of ideas came to my mind.

Could you have a couple of short dry runs with an agency sitter. Sitters, as well as others, always try to provide the same sitter so after they have been a couple of times they would no longer be strangers and your dcs would be ok, maybe?
I have predominantly used agency sitters, but even if i did ask my mum to come I always aim to have them in bed asleep (settled by us) before I go. So as long as yours don't wake up before you come back then that could be an option as they would be completely none the wiser.

I think if you were going to reciprocate with a friend then they may well be up for helping out. Give them the opportunity to specify the latest they would want to stay for and then decide how convenient that is. Offer them a bed/sofa if that would help. Personally, I would be up for that with a friend of mine.

How many kids do you have monkeyflippers?

Am in Glasgow if that's any help?

Whereabouts are you? I'll babysit for you for nothing - sounds like you need a break. (I'm a teacher and could give you references!)

I made a little card to put through doors, and went up and down a few roads near us saying I was looking for a sitter who could get herself/himself to our house; asked for references and then when I got a response, just had the sitter here for an hour or two to start with so children could get used to her. I pay £4.50 if the person is young, £5 hour if older; more if v late or out for a long time. Good luck.

You sound as though you would actually find it very hard to leave the DC with anybody, even Mary Poppins.

I was the same so I paid one of the staff at the nursery that knew my DD1 and was properly qualified.

Start with short periods till you and the DC are comfortable for a whole evening. It is really important to remember you are not only a mother.

People are only strangers until you have met them.
I work for Sitters and have never scared a child I have sat for.
If you really want to start going out you need to be a bit more proactive.
Are you going to send your dc to school? Or will " strangers" be teaching them.

I pay my teenage neighbour 5 quid an hour. Lifesaver as my parents don't live nearby and PIL's don't like to babysit.

whatatip - Yeah it is a bit sad isn't it (must not cry). I would consider the putting them to bed and then going out thing but they often wake so that would really freak them out! I might mention it to a friend and see what she thinks about us sitting for each other.

perfumedlife - I have 2 children (nowhere near Glasgow)

atswimtwolengths - that's so sweet! I don't like to say exactly but Essex/London borders

NoNamesNoPackDrill Yeah you're right. I just don't want them to be scared which is why it would be great if it was family but ho hum!

Why would your children be scared of a babysitter? Maybe you are projecting your own fear onto them. Not meant in a harsh way BTW, but if you choose a babysitter as a few others have mentioned, and have them visit once or twice first, then it is unlikely that your children will be scared.

YOU need to feel confident they are in safe hands and then portray this to your children as your confidence will rub off on them.

I found a local teenager by asking neighbours if they knew a sensible, hard working teenager and when several mentioned the same 15yr old boy, I went and asked his Mum if she thought he'd be up for babysitting. She raved about him so we took it further and left our children for an hour at first with him, while I popped to tescos. All went fine and he now babysits once a month or so - puts them to bed on time, stories, games, the works!

You do need a break and it's wonderful to feel a couple again, but I would totally side step your ILs. They sound very mean and unkind and I would be placing distance between my little family unit and them. So unfair of them to do this. I would be showing them just how self sufficient we were and wait till it dawns on them just how much they've missed out on by not being involved with your DC

Also meant to say that I used to swap babysitting evenings with a neighbour and we used to agree about the return time before we booked the date and the swap date used to be similar time of return IYSWIM. So we used to arrange one swap that would be an early return evening and we'd each sit till 10-ish. Then every now and then one of us would ask for a late swap and it was all upfront, planned in advance and reciprocated.

If you offer to keep it to a weekend night if it's a late one, and offer the same late night for your friend, it should be fine!

I think you have to accept once and for all that, for whatever reason, your PIL are not going to help you, so it's time to start using either paid professional sitters or sorting something out with friends. When someone repeatedly doesn't give you what you want, or does so very grudgingly, you save yourself a lot of stress and frustration by not asking them for it any more.

a) one solution is swap with friends. That way you don't feel bad about asking them.

b) Otherwise paid babysitter. In london £10 is norm for an experienced nanny but you can find a young person much cheaper (although in this case you might have to give her lift or pay taxi). Sitters Agency charges £6ph (plus membership fee) but maybe it doesn't suit you to have a different sitter every time. I think you need a regular one.

If you are nervous then you wont enjoy your night out so perhaps do couple of hours before. Find a local person and check references then ask her to come for 2 hours in the afternoon. She can play with the dcs while you prepare supper and you are around. Second time ask her to come around bathtime, help you a bit and then read them a story. Third time you go out and have fun. Try not to show your dcs that you are nervous.

I would forget about the il's and wouldn't ask them.

Thank you everyone for your advice! I have found a childminder I could use who I've known for a little while and who has already met my children a while ago (but obviously costs more then a teenage babysitter and we are so poor!) and have also asked a couple of friends how they would feel about it if I return the favour.

I was though surprised about the number of people who use previously unknown to them babysitters (not agency or friends etc). People spend ages choosing nurseries, childminders and nannies who have qualifications and are CRB checked/first aid trained etc (and whatever else they do) but it seems common to not pay the same attention to who you use as a babysitter. Maybe it's because it usually for shorter periods of time?

StuffingGoldBrass - Very true!