Out of sight .......

[Anon]

Dh is away for a few days and I have realised that I'm happier without him. He's a loving father and there is no-one else I'm interested in. However we have been arguing quite a bit - he spoils our daughter and is always complaining e.g. that I don't spend enough time cleaning - and it's just more peaceful without him. She is better behaved too. What do I do when he gets back? Living apart would be difficult financially.

Please excuse the anon - but I'm too embarassed to use my normal nickname.

Are you sure you're not just enjoying the break?

I too went through similar feelings when my hubby was away on a business course and as we'd been having problems found the time to think it was all brilliant and that we had come to the end of our relationship and he's time away proved it.....So we split up and the fall out from friends & family was very difficult. I felt sure it was what I wanted, 5 months later I realised it was just nice to have a 'break' and have some time on my own. We have since got back together and there are NO REGRETS (on either side)except that family & friends are again putting all their views in (even when not wanted).

Basically all I'm saying is....BE SURE, it's not worth the heartache to make a wrong decision. What's that saying.......a change is as good as a rest....maybe you just need to change your routines with hubby and set up more things to do without him etc.....

It could be that you need more space inside your marriage rather than a separation. I'm sure this might have crossed your mind anyway, so sorry for stating the obvious. Recently I went away for a bed and breakfast break with my two sons. We all had a really great time, I did not mope around missing my other half AT ALL, and I loved being caption of my own ship. But at the back of my mind, I knew I could, and was, returning to my normal, imperfect life complete with husband.

What I'm saying is loving your husband's temporary absence is, of course, not necessarily the same as not loving him.

Don't know it this helps, anon. Best wishes.

Anon, my advice would be enjoy his absence and see how you feel and how things go on his return. I think relationships need working at; family life is full of its ups and downs and as Tigermoth pointed out, relationships aren't perfect. As you have been having a difficult time you are inevitably enjoying the peace. Perhaps the break will do you both good and maybe your relationship will take on a new perspective on your husbands return. If you still feel the same maybe you could try talking to your husband or even with counsellor, maybe a relate counsellor. I agree with Dixie that you really need to be sure and a relate counsellor will see you alone or as a couple and the object of the exercise is no longer about keeping marriages together but about sorting out the best way forward. Breaking up is never easy and with a child involved it is even more problematic... sorry no cut and dried advice but good luck and let us know how it is going.

Oh Anon, I think I have a vague idea of how you feel. My dh has been away an awful lot on business and when he first got back I almost wished that he'd go away again as he was such a pain in the neck. However, it is a very big step to really want to separate from your partner. It sounds like maybe the two of you need to spend some time together and have a really good chat before you wave byebye to each other. How do you think he would react if you told him what you've told us? Sometimes, we really have to spell things out to our partners before they realise how we are feeling.

This isn't the first time my husband has been away and in 20 years of marriage it isn't the first rough patch. If I tell him I was happier when he was away he'll be really upset - but he isn't good at talking, more the silent sulk type. I take the point about needing more space and I've taken the first steps to get some time away each week. At the moment its not just "do I still love him" but do I want him in the house. He's back this evening so we'll see how it goes.

Well when he came back I told him how peaceful it was when we was away. Since then he has been on his best behaviour. Its a long time to throw away and he is a good father. I'm going to work on the extra time apart and see how it goes.

hi anon i some times feel the same way if you have had a realy big row and it's allways about the telephone bill i feel like packing it all in but i talk to a friend and they argue all the time as well so try to find some way to have your own space and try to get him intrested in a hobby too even if it's going on line for a hour with no intruptions and i know the saying is crap but it's better the devil you know i know i care for him dearley but you want to kill him sometimes that is normal it would be worse if you did not care at all