My dh is leaving me

[sosososad]

I don't really know where to start so sorry if I waffle but I really need advice.

I have been married for 15 years. I love my dh dearly and he says he loves me. He is a very kind loyal man. His children mean everything to him, he helps round the house and is a good provider. He doesn't drink, smoke, gamble and never goes out.

I know he sounds really boring but I love all those things about him (although I would love him to get a hobby). The problem is he NEVER talks to me about us or his feelings. I really mean never. I have no idea what he wants for our future. He seems to push me away all the time. We have never in 15 years had a deep meaningful conversation. This has always been a huge problem for me. His family are all the same if they really need to say something they will write a letter and that's not often. He has done this to me a few times years ago but I can't communicate like this. I need to talk.

We have never ever argued he just wont. I find that really unhealthy. We fell out a few days ago (by sulking as usual). I eventually lost my temper and told him to pack his bags because I had had enough.

He is going tomorrow. He says he loves me but can't be the man I want. I think he might be right, I don't feel I can carry on like this. I do love him though and I desperately don't want our children to suffer.

Sorry this is so long. There's other stuff. His family hate me. I think he has always really lacked confidence and I come across as a very strong and confident person (I'm not and he is the only person who has ever realised that).

It sounds as if you'd both benefit from going to Relate and talking individually and as a couple.

Is that something he'd consider ie. talking to a third party?

We did a few years ago. The counsellor was no help. She said she could hear us before each session in the waiting room laughing and joking. We can do that but he simply cannot talk about his feelings. He is funny and witty and everyone loves him. In the end she said she felt we didn't need to go anymore. Maybe it would be worth trying again with a differant counsellor.

Think maybe I just expect to much from him.

Some people just don't have hidden depths op, maybe he is what you see is what you get?

Why do his family hate you so?

It's sounds like your problem is that you don't have a problem! You love him, he loves you. I don't understand why he is leaving.

His family are a lot like him, they don't talk. His sister would have hated who ever he married he accepts that. She would fall out with me all the time but I would never know why. So often we would go to a family event and be completely ignored by her and her husband to the point where it was really embarrassing for everyone. Once she didn't speak to me for 3 months and I later found out it was because I didn't phone her mother to tell mil that I had kept ds off school because he had some spots.
Anyway 5 years ago she had been ignoring myself and dh for 5 months (ignoring all our phone calls). Then as usual she just turned up one day and we were forgiven for whatever we had done. I had had enough and was quite cool with her. The next day she rang me to say she had sensed an atmosphere. I told her I was fed up with her attitude and a massive row followed.
She then rang dh to complain about me. He told her she was wrong and he wasn't going to put up with her crap anymore either. Mil and Sil have not spoken to us since. We have both tried to make amends but all letters and calls have been ignored.
I feel a huge guilt because of this. Dh misses his dm (even though he admits she is a complete nutcase). He wrote and told her he missed her just before christmas but she didn't repl

Does he sulk often? Do you think he sulks when he feels strongly about something but is unable to express himself?

It seems as though he does have some pent up feelings and it must be extremely frustrating for you, that he is unable to voice those.

But you start by saying you love each other dearly. Don't let that love be eroded by this problem in communication, what a waste that would be.

I would try Relate again, as it seems there is so much worth saving here, but this massive block in communication that you alone, or as a couple, are not going to be able to solve.

suncottage so do you just accept the good stuff. I don't know if I can. I don't feel we have any emotional closeness

His family sound a nightmare. It's not surprising he struggles himself with communication! Even more reason to go to Relate IMO.

I think you need to do all you can to work on this together. He must feel pretty lonely if he misses his DM so much.

I love him but he does not talk to me - he is kind, sweet, generous etc etc, even when we have friends round (my friends as he doesn't have any) he sits in silence. It is a happy silence, he is smiling and nodding along and I watch as people try harder and harder to get him to join in the conversation.

His family 'talk' by text - even the news of the death of his favourite aunt was delivered that way - his Dad is the same. I only know his father has a mouth because food goes into a whole in his beard at mealtimes.

I have no idea what goes on his head.

Some people just don't talk much. That isn't necessarily a bad thing as some people talk too much and can't keep the contents of their heads to themselves under any circumstances.
I think you might need, actually, to accept that your DH is who he is and stop trying to change him into someone else.

Yep I accept the good stuff but acknowledge that if I say nothing then we are in for a very quiet evening.

Also I wish he would get a hobby too.

Are you sure you want him to leave?

sosososad is he intimate with you in ways other than talking? Does he stroke your legs if you lie together on the sofa or express his love for you in non-verbal ways?

I would agree about not changing someone who is quiet, but if you have very little intimacy it must be soul destroying.

His family sound exactly like my inlaws. Dh is a very quiet guy, to do with his family and also the fact he talks non stop all day at work, it's his job.

It does sound like you still have something worth working on. Is your heart now totally not init? I think if I were you I would be hurt that he isn't putting up a big enough fight for you. He probably just doesn't know how, but it's sad.

suncottage I think we are married to the same man. Dh has no close friends and we rarely go out because when we do he is exactly like your dh.

SGB I am one of those who will talk about anything to anyone we are complete opposites.

window yes he is very tactile, always kissing and stroking me. Although our sex life has suffered really badly because I honestly feel like I could be a prostitute to him. He cannot talk about what he likes in bed anymore than he can talk about anything else.

He did tell me last night (by text) that he is trying to see a counsellor but he has promised this before and it didn't happen.

And sinpan no I don't want him to leave but if I say so he will say he is sorry for what has happened, cuddle me then carry on as if nothing has happened. I really need to talk about what has happened.
I do know how lucky I am compared to the troubles some have. Maybe I have built this thing up over the years to be more important than it is. At the moment it is taking over my life which could be so good.

But it is really helping me to get it off my chest. I am going to read all this back later and try and get some perspective.
Thank you

perfume you know what, if he would only grab me, tell me to shut the fuck up, snog me hard and tell me how fab I am. That would work.

Sososad

Passion - that is the word, not just sex but passion about life, a hobby - show some excitment or wonder at the world. Jump fully clothed into a river, I want to see what makes him 'feel' alive.

I have no idea whatsoever.

Give me his number and I'll text him a few pointers

Sadly, if he had a better sister, that's what she would do for you both. Caring for her brother and sisinlaw, she would step in and tell him to man up. What hope with that nutter he has instead?

Could you tell him you don't want him to go, but you do want to try relate again?

It seems such a shame to split up when you obviously love each other. Some men never show affection, so that's great he is always kissing you.

Sososad your post at 15.55 made me . Why don't you write it down and give it to him? Some men do need explicit instructions

Hope you are ok Sososad.